What's UPT like for wives?

[Guest jillian1506]

Hi! My husband is an ROTC cadet who recently received a pilot selection and will be going to UPT next year. I've heard that UPT is a really difficult year for the pilot trainees and that it is also hard on their families. I've looked all over the internet trying to find out what other wives have said about enduring pilot training and I couldn't find anything. Could someone give me some information on what it will be like and what we can do to prepare for it now?

Any help would be greatly appreciated!!!!

Thanks!

[Boxhead]

My wife said it was no harder to be a spouse in UPT than any other spouse of someone who works long hours and has a decent amount of stress. (Based only on her talking to other spouses not in UPT...so not real science here)

I think the hard part (and where the horror stories come) is that a majority of UPT couples are still newlyweds...UPT is not the standard first year of marraige and that coupled with just learning to be married can make things seem worse.

There is nothing you can do to prepare, nothing you need to do...just be supportive like you should be anyway, and tell him to do the same. Life is life.

It will be tough on him...just communicate to each other and try to meet each others needs...wait...do that even not in UPT and life will be good. :)

[Guest jillian1506]

The work hours are typically 12 hour days right? And then there is a lot of homework? Do you have any free time on the weekends? I am really trying to get some of it figured out so that when we get there we are both aware of how life could be and make the best of it.

[Guest KM]

The work hours are typically 12 hour days right? And then there is a lot of homework?

For the first couple of weeks (academics), the days will be shorter. Then, yes, 12 hours days with lots of studying. You can help him study some of the stuff; sometimes he'll need to get together with his classmates to study.

Do you have any free time on the weekends?

Yes, and take advantage of it! Get away from the planes and relax Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday morning. Then he'll have to hit the books again.

The best thing you can do is to keep him fed and loved during the week so he only has flying to worry about.

[Guest ilovermont]

I know that it probably seems impossible right now considering how little you know, but try not to worry. The hours can be long and the training can be stressful but the rest of the experience is all what you make of it. Do your best to be supportive and stay positive. We had a LOT of fun and made some really wonderful friends. There will be plenty of support for you too, from the other spouses associated with your husband's class and the squadron/base usually has a larger spouses group as well which is a great way to learn what you can expect next :) Hang in there, and enjoy!

[Guest AFwife62406]

Congrats to your husband! My husband is in UPT right now and he's close to finishing up phase 2 at Whiting right now. Up until about a week ago, it hasn't really been all that bad at all. I was expecting to not get to spend much time with him because he'd be busy all the time, but training at Whiting is pretty laid back. There were more days than not where he didn't have to go in to training at all or if he did, he went in and came back before I got home from work, so we could easily spend the evenings and weekends together. I think training at AF bases are a little different than at a Navy base. (Whiting is a Navy base.) A couple of months ago I was in your shoes wanting to get tons of info about what the future would be like too. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask!

[Guest sierrahotel]

Seriously, it's not that bad. I guess I was prepared for the worst, too...since everyone said it would be so hard. THere was only a time or two that I was frustrated with the lack of attention. I worked, too, though, so I wasn't home all day to worry about it I guess. I got pregnant there, and after I was home a while, my husband did say that it was nice having me make lunch and dinner for him. (While I was working, we did grilled cheese and quick meals a lot.) He went nuts for a month when I was gone, because he had no time to do laundry, make dinner, clean, etc. So the house was a wreck when I got home!

The best thing you can do is to NOT act needy. The guys have enough on their plate without having to worry about problems at home. If something serious comes up, address it right away and get past is ASAP so he can move on. There was one time when he walked in the door, I gave him a hug and he pushed me away and said "I don't have time......" as he walked away to get his stuff to study! I was a little frustrated, but after a short reminder that I WAS still his wife and I DID need a hug every now and then, we were fine. Communicate and everything will be fine.

There is usually a lot to do on base with the other wives. Get out and do stuff. Organize stuff yourself if there's nothing to do. We had a blast, and most people that I knew did, too. There was only one break-up between a girlfriend/boyfriend that I knew about. The rest of the class got through it just fine.

There will be REALLY long days, and there will be really short days, too. Enjoy the time he's home during academics. Sundays were my hardest day, because I wasn't prepared for my husband to study ALL day. But he did. Hardly a break for lunch. So after a few weeks of that, I found things to occupy my time on Sundays. Saturdays he was all mine, and we would usually go out to eat with friends, see a movie, go to the lake, etc. Sunday mornings was my date with him at IHOP, and I found myself helping him to study those mornings, too. The year goes fast, and it's so worth it in the end. People say UPT is bad, and it is in ways, but I think deployments are probably worse. At UPT he's home every night, so enjoy it.

Edited March 21, 2007 by sierrahotel

[Guest 1derwoman]

I had a very difficult time while my husband was in UPT. Looking back now (only a few months later) I could've sucked it up a little more. Here is my advice to you.

There will be very long days for him. There were times my kids didn't see my husband for weeks on end. Make friends with your neighbors and have a community meal night once a week so you don't feel like you are making crappy meals. This is especially important when he night flies. This way you can get together with other spouses and get to know each other.

Get involved in the spouses groups. They will help pass the time and there are many women you can learn a lot from.

Be patient! This will only last a few months, then you will have time to figure everything else out.

Find at least one woman who you can talk to openly and won't judge you. There are tons of people who will say to suck it up and it could be worse, or how horrible you are for being selfish and missing your husband. Don't listen to those guys. Talk it out to your friend who is going through or has been through the same thing. Sometimes it helps to just hear that someone understands and you aren't crazy for feeling a little lonely.

When you think you can't take anymore, say tomorrow will be better. It will be over before you know it.

Some of the people on here may disagree with me, and maybe they weren't as weak as I was, but this is just my opinion alone.

Try to have as much fun as possible and take up a new hobby! Make this time for you as well as him. They need support, but don't forget about yourself.

Oh yeah, and have study groups at your house! The single guys, especially, love it when someone cooks for them, and your husband will appreciate you being so supportive!

Good luck!

[Guest KC]

How bad UPT is probably depends on a few factors. The most imporant is how well your husband does. The guys who fly well handle things, the guys who end up hooking rides or failing tests are obviously going to be way stressed out. I think a lot of it is how naturally inclined your husband is to be a pilot, I don't know how much you can fix that. The vast majority do OK. I will mention that my husband went and paid for 10 aerobatic flight hours before coming here and he said it helped his confidence.

Yes there are days they come home and study the rest of the night, but it's not every night. The weekends are really a good time to have fun together, no one can physically and mentally study ALL weekend. My husband started out saying I have to study "all weekend". Later he realized that just made him feel guilty when he ended up watching sports. So pick a time or a day to just have fun, guilt free.

Yes there are days that are long, but I've said it before on this forum, if you husband has not had a career before UPT, it can seem like a lot of work. Welcome to the real world where many career fields are high stress, demanding, and include 12 hour days, at least in flying they're not stuck in an office. My husband loves to watch Office Space to remind him how fun it is to be a UPT student.

Now if you have kids that's a whole different story. We've ate dinner anywhere from 4:30 to 11:00 at night depending on when he comes home. If you have kids that would not work so well, so keep that in mind when you hear from people with children who have had a rough time here.

Good luck!

KC

[Guest 1derwoman]

I admit, I not only have three children, but I was also a very needy person. I needed a lot of attention from my husband. Not a good thing, not something I am proud of, but the truth. I am trying to change that now, of course. I think more independent people would probably do better.

I think that everybody's situation is different. My husband was doing very well flying, but he was determined to be the best, so he was stressing himself out. My husband also had a career before this in the military and the scheduling was totally different. The bad part for me was not knowing until the day before what he was going to be doing, whereas in his other career field, his schedule was generally posted a month in advance.

We just all have different experiences in life. Everything is what you make of it. I try to keep that in mind with everything we do now.

[brabus]

Good advice all around...just try to be as independent as possible. The average weekday, I spend maybe 15 min of time w/ my wife during the day (not all days are like this, but probably 95% are)...and that's when I'm shoveling food into my mouth at dinner so I can hurry up and get in the office to study. Luckily for me, she's a very independent person, works 40 hrs a week, etc, so I think she has dealt w/ it pretty well. Are you planning on working? No offense to wives who don't work, but at least from my perspective, it'll be much easier for you if you have a big thing (like a job) to keep you busy during the day. It will be much worse on you guys if you just sit at home/bake cookies all day and just wait for him to come home from work. I'm sure that works for some people, but sitting at home most of the day is probably going to eat at you, thus leading to you being very needy and what not. You'll have all weekend to do things together (or at least Fri night thru Sun morning/early afternoon). You just have to be willing to deal w/ him not having much time at all for you during the week. I think this is harder during your first year of marriage, but as long as you fully understand that he will not have time for you during the week, then both of your lives will be much better. Sometimes you may have to let things slide that maybe at other times you normally wouldn't, but he'll need you to just support him, not nag him about things and don't take it personally when he comes home all stressed out and needs to get shit done and doesn't have time to ask you about your day. Those nights will happen, so the more you can just let that roll off your back, the better support you will give him.

[Guest sierrahotel]

Oh yeah, and have study groups at your house! The single guys, especially, love it when someone cooks for them, and your husband will appreciate you being so supportive!

Good luck!

This is ABSOLUTELY true! The single guys eat like crap while they're there and they ALWAYS love a home-cooked meal. A good way to make friends for your husband!

[HerkDerka]

The most imporant thing is how well your husband does. The guys who fly well handle things, the guys who end up hooking rides or failing tests are obviously going to be way stressed out. I think a lot of it is how naturally inclined your husband is to be a pilot

I disagree.

1) Everyone is stressed out in UPT.

2) Flying well and natural ability have little to do with the overall experience. UPT is desgined to suck.

3) The overall experience in UPT depends on your attitude and your classmates.

HD

[Guest AFNurse]

All of the advice that has been given so far is very helpful! From my experience, there were three pieces of advice that helped me get through UPT as a soon-to-be-spouse.

First, realize that sometimes you have to be placed on the backburner. That doesn't mean that your spouse loves you any less or isn't thinking about you every spare second that they can, but when life is throwing a lot of stress at you, sometimes it's easier to take for granted the things that you always expect will be there, like your family. You'll notice it when your spouse forgets to call their parents/etc for a month at a time. Your family is supposed to be your staple, something that you can always rely on and even though they are the most important thing to you, sometimes life dictates that you have to give all your attention to something else for a while...just don't let it be a pattern and don't be afraid to say when you need family time too, maybe just not the first thing you say when they walk in the door after flying all day.

Second, be independent!! The previous posting on this subject really hit the nail on the head. Keep in mind that doesn't mean you have to go to work. Depending on your family situation and where pilot training is, it may be hard to find a job, but find something to keep you occupied. The worst times were when I sat around all day, waiting for my husband to come home, and then when he came home busy/tired/crabby, of course it caused an argument. Spend time with the other spouses, a large portion of your class will be married or have significant others, these people can be your outlets. Take up a hobby, volunteer, just do something so that you have something other than just your spouse to look forward to every day.

Thirdly, stay involved. Don't think of UPT as something temporary that you have to get through, this is part of your life. My husband often thinks about UPT and says it was the busiest, but the best year of his life. You'll make friends that will last a lifetime and will always be running into the folks you met, the military is a small community. Go to the O-Club, cook dinner for the single guys, help your spouse study and nod your head when you have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Remember that life is what you make of it and sometimes these may be the only quality time that you get.

On a final note, please don't think of UPT as this horrible thing you have to get through, we had a wonderful time! You work hard but you play hard too! Just learn to enjoy it when you can and don't hold grudges, as those can ruin the fun times you do have. It's a crazy ride, for both the pilot and their family, but for a large number of people it's also your introduction to military life so take it in a stride, learn what you can and have fun!!!

[Guest PWMOMOF2]

OK guys, (and gals) sorry but Im new to this so if these questions have ben asked before Im sorry. My Husband starts UPT next month, what is zero day? is there any way that the spouses of the class members get together to get to know eachother? How involved are the spouses?

Thanks for any replies...

[HerkDerka]

OK guys, (and gals) sorry but Im new to this so if these questions have ben asked before Im sorry. My Husband starts UPT next month, what is zero day? is there any way that the spouses of the class members get together to get to know eachother? How involved are the spouses?

Thanks for any replies...

I've never heard the term "zero day". My guess is you're referring to the first day of UPT. The first day is nothing more than inprocessing, meeting classmates, and briefings.

For class spouses, there aren't any official functions. It's up to the students and their wives to plan activities for the class outside of duty hours. It's a good idea to have the class get together for a cookout/boozefest the first weekend.

HD

[brabus]

I know at Vance anyways the OSS/CC's wife had a spouse get together the 2nd week of UPT or something to give the wives info on UPT, etc, etc.

it's a good idea to have the class get together for a cookout/boozefest the first weekend.

Definitely a good idea. Gives everyone a good time to hang out and meet outside of the endless hours of boring briefings, CAIs, etc. Plus it's a good way for all the wives to meet I guess.

[Guest PWMOMOF2]

That does sound like a good idea (cookout/boozefest).

It just seems like there isnt a whole lot to do here in wondeful Enid. So I was just wondering about other ways to get to know people. and I wasnt sure if the spouses got together at all to do things for the squadron like getting events planned or Christmas dinner or anything like that.

[HerkDerka]

and I wasnt sure if the spouses got together at all to do things for the squadron like getting events planned or Christmas dinner or anything like that.

While your husband's in UPT, you won't be doing a lot of stuff with the actual squadron. The students, although officially stationed at Vance, aren't really "squadron members" per se. The whole permanent party vs. student thing. The class has to take care of itself when it comes to social stuff. It will be what you make of it. Some classes do zero stuff outside of the flight room and some classes are like a frat house.

The initial cookout/boozefest is a great opportunity for the class members to get together and for the wives to get to know each other. From there you can exchange contact info and start hatching plans. Plan to have class parties for all of the "next steps" in UPT. (i.e.- academics complete, midphase checkrides complete, solos complete, track select, etc. etc. etc.

If the studs have something to look forward to outside of training, UPT will be easier for everyone.

HD

[Guest PWMOMOF2]

While your husband's in UPT, you won't be doing a lot of stuff with the actual squadron. The students, although officially stationed at Vance, aren't really "squadron members" per se. The whole permanent party vs. student thing. The class has to take care of itself when it comes to social stuff. It will be what you make of it. Some classes do zero stuff outside of the flight room and some classes are like a frat house

I guess that the hardest part for me "the student thing". My husband is prior E and has already been in for 9 yrs. So most of the students are a lot younger than us. So I really hope its not a frat house type of class but I do hope that the people will want to get together and do things.

I love being involved in squadron stuff too so I guess that may be a little hard for me.

[Guest AETC IP]

I guess that the hardest part for me "the student thing". My husband is prior E and has already been in for 9 yrs. So most of the students are a lot younger than us. So I really hope its not a frat house type of class but I do hope that the people will want to get together and do things.

I love being involved in squadron stuff too so I guess that may be a little hard for me.

I wouldnt worry too much about it. The fact of the matter is that there will be married guys/gals in the class and single guys/gals in the class...they will most likely hang out with their own kind (married and married...single guys hangin' with single guys). The single guys will all party together, and the married guys...well, when you girls let them out on the weekend:) The age difference isnt going to be as much as you think....your husband won't be much more than 3-4 years older than the youngest students, remember the non-prior students spent 4-5 years in college and the better part of last year casual as Lt's. I was a prior E student pilot on active duty as well, and wasn't more then 2-3 years older than the youngest student and many of the students were actually my age. This will only be for the next year...you will have plenty of future opportunities to participate again in the future with ya'lls next squadrons.

[The Kayla]

If I remember correctly, the 71st has a spouse's "club"-- and I use that word sparingly- and I want to say that some of the other squads have like a group of wives that put together the fundraisers and what have you. And I think* that there's a spouse's orientation once your husband starts UPT to give the wives an understanding of what's going on.- But that is just a guess from what I've been told from other spouses.

[Guest sleepy]

The age difference isnt going to be as much as you think....your husband won't be much more than 3-4 years older than the youngest students, remember the non-prior students spent 4-5 years in college and the better part of last year casual as Lt's.

Differing viewpoint:

The age thing has been an issue for me, even as a single guy. IMO, there is a difference between early 20's and late 20's--I am 4+ years older than most of the guys in my class. Getting up every morning for four years and having to go to work in order to pay the bills, including student loans, versus hanging out for a year making popcorn and partying every night without a care in the world, not even student loans for many, ages one considerably.

FAIPS are no different. I ended up having to do a quick sober-up at our solo party in order to keep their asses out of trouble, too.

Of the student pilots I hang out with regularly, they are all older and have had jobs, be it as prior E's or as civilians.

Maybe it will be an issue for you, maybe it won't. Everyone in my class is/was good people, but I don't exclusively hang out with them as much as they think I should. Eh. Regardless, you'll meet some great people and have a good time if you want to. UPT is what you make of it.

[Guest PWMOMOF2]

Differing viewpoint:

The age thing has been an issue for me, even as a single guy. IMO, there is a difference between early 20's and late 20's--I am 4+ years older than most of the guys in my class. Getting up every morning for four years and having to go to work in order to pay the bills, including student loans, versus hanging out for a year making popcorn and partying every night without a care in the world, not even student loans for many, ages one considerably.

FAIPS are no different. I ended up having to do a quick sober-up at our solo party in order to keep their asses out of trouble, too.

Of the student pilots I hang out with regularly, they are all older and have had jobs, be it as prior E's or as civilians.

Maybe it will be an issue for you, maybe it won't. Everyone in my class is/was good people, but I don't exclusively hang out with them as much as they think I should. Eh. Regardless, you'll meet some great people and have a good time if you want to. UPT is what you make of it.

well I agree there is a big difference between early and late 20's and it all depends on what the persons priorities are too. But like you also said pilot training is what you make of it and I am trying to make the best of it so I know it will be long and hard for both my husband and I, but it will also be fun! This is a huge change in our lives and its all for the better so when you look at it a year isnt really that long to better the rest of your life.

[Guest metal]

I've been going through the whole process of trying to become an officer and if I get selected and at some point on down the road, I get lucky and get the chance to go through UPT, what's it like for civilian husbands/ boyfriends? I ask because I'm female. There's an ex-marine at my current job and he said that male spouses don't really fit into the community and that it's uncommon.

Also, what's it like in general for a civilian husband?