Whats the funniest thing you've heard over the radio?

[Gravedigger]

In light of our recent livening things up, I thought I'd start a thread that contained the funniest radio calls you've ever heard. These must be real. I know we have done this before, but I'd like to hear some new ones.

Dover Approach: Attention all aircraft, previous controller no longer a factor.

[Guest Aces-High]

Stuck mics are funny, especially when the pilot and his "navigator" are lost and arguing with each other over landmarks.

One time at our airport we had a flight instructor returning solo from a trip and on final to runway 20. Well that same day and at that same time we had a bunch of hotrod racers trying to beat each other to the approach end of 20. They were all flying kitbuilts and probably traveling close to 200 kias. Some intellectual decided that the checkpoint would be on the touch down bars of 20, and needless to say the instructor was buzzed pretty badly. The conversations went something like this:

Instructor: Final 20

Kitbuilts: Negative, this airport is closed go somewhere else to land (the airport was not closed and the racers had no official or unofficial priority, in fact no one knew when, or even if due to weather, they were coming)

Insturctor: This is my homebase airport, its not closed and I'm now on short final.

Kitbuilts: We are two miles out, on final, exit the pattern!

Instructor: Like hell!

At this point the kitbuilts raced by the instructor at full speed at about 300-400 AGL. It scared the **** out of our poor instructor so much so that he almost jerked the plane into an accelerated stall. After that I don't think anyone at that airport ever heard as much cursing on the radio as that day.

Not really funny, but somewhat interesting!

[HerkDerka]

Some of the best ones I've heard.

Out in the MOA one day at Vance AFB:

Student Pilot: All right Sir, I've got On-Normal-Normal, good blinker, good pressure, zero-delay disconnected.....oh fuh(end)

Instructor somewhere else in the Area: "Roger, my visor's down, how about you?"

Holding short at NAS Corpus Christi waiting on a C-5 to turn around and back taxi to a perpendicular runway:

Tower: Montana 423 Position and hold runway 34, traffic is a C-5 on back taxi.

Lead: On to hold and ummmmmmmm.........traffic in sight.

In the MOA at Vance AFB during formation phase.

Italian student (very garbled): Wire 12 break out!

wingman: Two

another plane: Two

another plane: Two

another plane: Two

[ClearedHot]

Straight through initial at Laughlin AFB rolled left to look down and watch my best friend taking the barrier at 150Kts with his left engine stuck in Mil:

Just before impact he tightens every muscle in his body including his thumb and broadcasts on Guard “OHHH SHHHHHIIIITTTTT!”….a few more seconds of noise….F%#$, that SUCKED…click.

Watched him un-ass the jet and was glad to buy him a few beers later that night at the club.

[Guest C-21 Pilot]

Flying to Monterrey about 6 months ago...

Pilot (on Uniform Guard): "Salt Lake City radio, Claw 35 request."

SLC: "Claw 35, go ahead."

Pilot: "Claw 35 request FL600"

SLC: "Cleared as requested, if you can make it."

Other pilots: "Yeah right, etc, etc."

Pilot: "All right smartasses, leaving FL750 for FL600."

Pilot: "Smile dumbasses, your on Candid Camera!!!"

Apparently, the controller/other pilots didn't know that it was a U-2 flying into Beale.

***********************************************

While on our first T-1 "Out-n-Back" flying co-pilot duties to Fort Smith, I was jumpseat, while a Native Bostonian from our class was on the radios.

Although I don't remember the conversation, the controller had a such a hard time understanding his accent that he (the controller) asked...

Controller: "Vandy 37, approach."

Vandy 37: "Vandy 37, go ahead" (remember in thick Yankee accent)

Controller: "You have another pilot on board."

Vandy 37 (IP and student looking at each other): "Yes."

Controller: "Approach Control request that other pilot speak on radios to avoid confusion."

*************************************************

Finally,

During an Alaskan Trainer, we were cruising from McChord to Elmendorf, when VHF Guard 121.5 started to buzz with Alaskan Airlines Flt 123.

Alaskan Airlines Co-Pilot: "Good evening folks, this is First Pilot John Doe, Your Captain is Jane Doe. Fight time will be ................................................................................

......... thank you for choosing Alaskan Airlines."

This conversation lasted a good 15 minutes. It told of landmarks they would be flying over, the inflight meal, movie, etc.

Finally, someone transmitted: Alaskan Airlines Flight 123, this is Delta 456 on Guard. If you hear me, you have the most professional and articulate voice that the Guard frequencies have had in the last 15 minutes. Please change to your interplane freq and try again."

A simple "Oh, sh!t" was heard, then silence.

[Guest mphamer]

Overheard at LNK,

TOWER: Bonanza 123 Lincoln Tower, traffic, 12 o'clock, T-38 on a left downwind.

BONANZA 123: Bonanza 123 looking....um......er....no joy.

TOWER: Don't worry 123, you won't catch him anyway.

MPHamer

[Guest deweygcc]

Ohare tower: UA 123 I need a left 360

UA123: Negative, unable

OT: UA123 Right turn 145, contact Lexington center for hold instructions

UA123: Roger Tower, in left 360

[Guest deweygcc]

And THis one time, in flight school:D

I was on my first solo, and I was #2 on final. The homebuilt in front of me cycled his gear 2x on t/o so he put them up on landing, and bellied in. Thankfully he had the left side hang up so somhow that enabled an easy removal.

Anyway tower asked me to do a 360. At this point I was 350 below pattern alt and on a 1/4 final.

Im about 100 degrees into the turn, when I hear an instructor from another school, ask ME Cessna XXXX whats your alt?

Before I could answer tower says, He's lookin like 1100 for 1200 and hes fine.

Boy was I glad, the FAA was on the field monitoring the Freqs because of the accident( they had an office on the field)

I was low, but comeone I was a teenager just allowed to solo, with a major crash 1/2 in front of me. I was trying to figure out what had happened in the crash... fire trucks a big flash etc, and hearing the tower asking the pilot if he was ok that I didnt understand the left 360 the first time. He called back, and told me a left hand orbit.

[Guest JArcher00]

At Vance in one of the areas. A solo student must have gotten a liitle confused on landmarks in his area when RAPCON says: "Scare 123 you are 5 miles north of your area turn right heading 180 or contact Kansas City Center for vecors to your new destination."

[flynhigh]

This is kind of off subject, but still relevant I think? :confused:

July 4, 2001, a friend and I were circling over downtown Wichita, KS, when Wichita Approach came on and said "Cessna XXXX two B-1 heavies 9 o'clock five miles" we knew beforehand of the annual flyby over where the fireworks were lit off and quickly responded, "Wichita Approach traffic in sight," expecting to be vectored out of the area. Wichita Approach contacted the lead B-1 to inform them of our position, and not a minute later we had two B-1's fly no more than 500'-1000' feet below us! Got it on film! It was awesome!

[Guest Wxpunk]

Flynhigh - Scan and post.

Okay, this isn't really humor, but still. I was on a rental 172 checkout flying into Clark County, IN (No Tower). The primary runway being used was 14 and I was demonstrating a 10 knot x-wind landing on 18. I called out all intentions over local CTAF and was the only one in the pattern. Just before touchdown, a 172 calls out "Clark County traffic Cessna ### crossing runway 18, Clark County." I look down the runway and saw him start to mosey across runway threshold. I toggled mic and screamed "DO NOT CROSS RUNWAY 18! DO NOT CROSS RUNWAY 18!" I saw the guy's brakes jerk his Cessna right at the runway as I scurried by. After a long pause he said "Thanks Cessna 123."

Just goes to show not to get complacent. Make sure you always check both ends of the runway when you're getting ready to take or cross.

-----------------

Wxpunk

[Guest ifrflyer]

I once participated in an aero club fly in to KSNY Sidney Nebraska. This place is uncontrolled. Well, it was packed w/ aircraft and I couldn't see any place for me to park. So I keyed the radio on the unicom freq and asked for "progressive taxi instructions". Apparently this was hilarious.

I was a brand new private pilot and had very little experience w/ uncontrolled fields. I still don't like uncontrolled fields.

[Gravedigger]

Alright, all of you southerners will know what I'm talking about. We have a ton of "Good Ole' Boys" flying down here in Atlanta and most of them rarely fly into Class B. Anyways I was flying back to my home airport when I hear this:

Redneck: Well McCollum, Im a Cessna 152 just over here on the yonder hill lookin to land at your airport how bout it.

I kid you not. The guy said those exact words to the tower at the third busiest airport in Georgia. Sometimes you just gotta wonder.

By far the best thing I've heard was from the former Miss Nevada trying to get her first solo done.

Tower: Cessna 9982V, make a right 360 and report rolling out on downwind.

9982V: No thanks, we're fine.

Gotta Love it.

[ 26. September 2004, 21:12: Message edited by: c17wannabe ]

[Guest HueyPilot]

Here is one of those "I KNOW he didn't just say that to us" moments.

Cruising in the C-21 at FL330, the controller points out oncoming traffic to us by saying...

"JOSA 123, you've got a Delta 737 5 miles opposite direction, FL 350...he's gonna be coming in your face"

Not good.

[Guest HueyPilot]

Other quotes:

ARTCC: "Speedbird ###, slow to 200 knots and turn to heading 270 for spacing"

Speedbird ###: "Unable, we're running well behind schedule"

ARTCC: "OK, Speedbird ###, fly heading 360"

Speedbird ###: "Center, how long will we be on this heading?"

ARTCC: "Until you slow to 200 knots"

Speedbird ###: "Roger, slowing to 200 knots"

Something else I heard while flying with a college buddy in a C172:

"Cessna 123 is left base for runway X"

[flynhigh]

I can neither confirm or deny the validity of any of these!

At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the

"Information so-and-so" identifier when they make their initial radio call. Sometimes, the results can be hilarious... The scenario: it was night over Las Vegas and "Information Hotel" was current on the ATIS. Mooney 33W wasn't too sharp, but he didn't let that stop him from talking to Approach Control.

Approach: "33W, confirm you have 'Hotel.'

33W: "Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet."

After that, Approach was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went something like this call to United 583 (which didn't make it any easier to stop laughing)...

Approach: "United 583, descend to Flight Level 220."

United 583: "United 583, down to Flight Level 220. We don't have a hotel room, either."

It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this...

Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!"

Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

[Gravedigger]

Approach: Reach XXXX, climb to FL270 for noise abatement.

Reach XXXX: What kind of noise were we making at FL250?

Approach: You ever heard the sound of a C-130 hitting a 747 head on.

Reach XXXX: Roger, up to FL270.

[HercDude]

A friend of mine who went to Vance told me this one about a Tweet solo on his first trip into the MOA, who aparently had busted through the bottom of his block without knowing it:

RAPCON: "Sire XX, confirm altitude"

Sire XX: "Roger, altitude confirmed"

[Stiffler]

Heres one. A new student pilot here at vance was overloaded in the jet, and was consistently told to "say altitude" from Rapcon. Of course you know where this is going. This student, flustered, responded with "Altitude."

On another note, I attempted to give a Pirep on my 4th flight. Upon calling "Echo", the RSU asked for "pireps on the Northern Areas" I assumed this was a test to see if I remembered how to give pireps from Academics, so I keyed up and said "uhh, well it appears that...." I finished, looked over, and saw my IP Staring at me with the radio turned off. You can guess that conversation after that.

And finally, I had a free solo after finishing tweets cuz i was like .1 under the required solo time. I went to the area, came back, and heard a chase ship procedure occuring...cuz a student went around the container, called initial (the whole time confused as to why he couldnt get above 185 K on mil power) and the RSU noticed his gear down...the whole time around the container. Sorry if it was you and you are reading this.

not too funny, but my 69 cents.

Kinz

[BFM this]

Scenario:

Me: fairly new CFI

Stud: had his hands full but doing well on a night XC through West Lafayette, IN (Purdue).

We did a touch and go intending to proceed to our second destination to the northwest.

Shame on me: the controller had cleared us to land. Oh well, the deed's been done, I decided to sit back and see how the student handled this tense situation. Couldn't get any worse, right?

Climbing out on our touch and go:

LAF TWR (sounding rather perturbed): "Cessna 45G, I cleared you to land on runway 10, say intentions."

I could see my student figet for a moment while he reached for the mike button.

Stud: "Uh, Cessna 45G,... intentions ."

[Guest rumblefish_2]

One of the best radio calls you can make at Sheppard:

FWC: "Banger 1, following BEAVR you are cleared direct to Vera, cleared to fly Vera."

Banger 1: "Banger 1 cleared to Vera through BEAVR."

Not the most precise reply, but opportunity is like gold...

[Flare]

I don't think this has ever been posted on here before.

There's 32 pages of posts, so it might be alot to tackle in one reading. Some are pretty stupid, and repeats, but some were hilarious. If anyone wants to, feel free to add more to the baseops webpage.

https://www.airlinepilotforums.com/showthread.php?t=2263

[Toasty]

Does this grate on anyone else's nerves?

"I was flying from Tulsa to Dallas, when I heard a Bonanza check in on Fort Worth Center: Fort Worth Center Bonanza 1234 WITH YOU (hate that) at 7,500 bla bla bla. Center comes on and says squawk 0123. After a while the center asks the Bonanza to squawk altitude.

The next transmission I hear is the craziest thing:

Bonanza 1234 confirm squawk please, he replies yes squawking 7500. Center comes on screaming (with bells going off in the background);

Sir, 7500 is the Hijack code, you need to be squawking the code I gave you. You have the whole nation alarmed."

So, you're telling me that if I'm discretely squawking 7500, Center's gonna come over the mic and say "HEY, ARE YOU BEING HIJACKED?"

FAN-tastic.

[Insubordinate & Churlish]

Over UNICOM:

"If you taxi with yo' flaps down, put yo' hand down."

[Guest Razorback10]

Not over the radio but over the mic in the T-6:

Me: "Sir, if I start my descent now- where will I be when I cross the fix?"

Triple turned IP: "The Earth's mantle!- where did you go to school dude?"

pwned..