Whats the funniest thing you've heard over the radio?

[FourFans]

I think my favorite was last year at Salem.

C-17 is taxiing in to park and has to reverse taxi into one of the finger parking spots. As he's about to do this, you begin hearing his loadmaster start with the reverse taxi briefing responses...on ground freq. Immediately, about 7 different Herk crews started transmitting every .5 seconds telling him he's on ground...but to no avail. He performs the longest reverse taxi i've ever heard...on gnd freq. But it gets better...his hot mic up...we hear:

"Keep coming...keep coming...give me more...keep coming...start turn...give me more...keep coming...keep coming...that's great...bring it back...keep coming..."

Maybe it's a Budda thing, because I've NEVER heard a Herk loadmaster use phaseology like that.

Cheers,

FourFans

[JarheadBoom]

My last Marine Corps squadron's callsign was "Hustler"; i.e. "Hustler 404, cleared for takeoff".

So we're in the lead aircraft on Day 2 of a 3-day, 2-ship X/C from MCAS New River to Edwards AFB to trade aircraft (CH-53E's) with our sister squadron. We're somewhere over Texas, headed to Kirtland to RON, and my pilots are talking to someone (I forget who) to request VFR Flight-Following. The controller can't seem to grasp the request; comes back like 3 times asking us to "say again your callsign?".

Finally, my copilot, who is the squadron OpsO, says over the radio "It's HUSTLER, just like the magazine!"

Dead silence on freq for like 5 seconds... meanwhile, we're laughing our asses off in the back, and the pilot (the squadron CO) is shaking his head and saying "I can't believe you just said that on the radio"... but at least he was chuckling when he said it.

Finally, the controller comes back with our (correct) callsign and squawk, accompanied by plenty of laughter in the background.

------------------------

Same X/C, next day:

Departing Kirtland, we had some comm issues (common in the -53E) and Tower tells us we're weak & unreadable. Same copilot flip-flops the Tower freq into the other radio in record time, and says on-freq "Can you hear me now?" just like those annoying Verizon commercials that had just started airing a couple weeks earlier.

Tower comes right back with "Good!", just like the commercial.

[D-ron]

Reminds me of a book I read called "Blue Skies" an autobiography of a Spitfire pilot. here's a copy and paste....

... "My first view of the tiny island of Malta is still a vivid memory. Through the mid-morning haze, it looked like a small golden leaf floating on the sea. I thought it looked ridiculously small, measuring roughly seven miles by fourteen miles, and our new airdrome, Takali, stood out as obvious and exposed.

"Gonda control," called Duke (Arthur), "Tampax squadron requesting landing instructions."

The reply came from Malta control: "Say again."

Duke returned, "Tampax leader requesting landing permission."

Gonda control again asked, "Say again, please. What call sign?"

Duke, now impatient, "Tampax leader."

"Please repeat call sign," intoned Gonda control.

By now Duke was obviously exasperated and certainly still seething over the loss of Cam. He roared into the radio, "Tampax leader. Tampax! Tampax! The stuff you shove up your snatch."

I could visualize the horror, the giggles, and the consternation that must have swept through the operations room. After another delay we finally received a polite and quiet reply instructing us to land at Takali airfield."

My last Marine Corps squadron's callsign was "Hustler"; i.e. "Hustler 404, cleared for takeoff".

So we're in the lead aircraft on Day 2 of a 3-day, 2-ship X/C from MCAS New River to Edwards AFB to trade aircraft (CH-53E's) with our sister squadron. We're somewhere over Texas, headed to Kirtland to RON, and my pilots are talking to someone (I forget who) to request VFR Flight-Following. The controller can't seem to grasp the request; comes back like 3 times asking us to "say again your callsign?".

Finally, my copilot, who is the squadron OpsO, says over the radio "It's HUSTLER, just like the magazine!"

Dead silence on freq for like 5 seconds... meanwhile, we're laughing our asses off in the back, and the pilot (the squadron CO) is shaking his head and saying "I can't believe you just said that on the radio"... but at least he was chuckling when he said it.

Finally, the controller comes back with our (correct) callsign and squawk, accompanied by plenty of laughter in the background.

[Guest John Cocktoston]

It was a somewhat busy night last night here in Columbus, OH. Several airlines were checking in with approach with no problem, but there was a Chautauqua flight that called several times and approach would not acknowledge. He kept trying to get thru and with each try was getting a little more frazzled. He tried once more and almost immediately an unidentified voice screamed out "WOULD YOU SHUT THE FVCK UP already!!!? He will get to you when he can!" Approach quickly came on and cleared the Chautauqua flight in and said "We don't use the F-Bomb on public frequencies, do we?" which was followed by the unidentified voice "Well I just said what we were all thinking". Approach: "Yes you did, just clean it up for the kiddies next time"

[Toasty]

We were listening to local traffic at the GA field we were flying over in eastern Florida. Two guys, one airborne, and one guy in the FBO, were having a conversation on UNICOM.

Pilot: "How was dinner with Nancy?"

FBO: "It was good, what did you and your wife do last night?"

Pilot: "Oh nothing, she went out with some friends I think."

Random pilot: "Your wife was with me last night, man." (laughter from other A/C)

[Guest latro]

I was doing some night dual touch and go's for my multi rating and I noticed my instructor squeaming a little bit. He kept looking at the Hobbs, so I asked him if he was alright. He said he had to take a dump. We had .8 left to go too. Next thing I hear is:

"Duke 123 inbound rwy 22"

My instructor: "Man, I'll be dropping a Duke soon"

[Guest Dwight Schrute]

Dragging two A-10's from Afghanistan to Iraq we encountered the other flight of KC-135x1 and A-10'sx2. Our A-10's request a discrete victor. We give them tanker common. The two female pilots, one in each flight, proceed to discuss how they have "warmed up" a fella' or two for the other one at their respective destinations. Details follow, hilarity ensues. I am not sure anybody was listening to the freq, but if anyone was they got an earful.

We also played Trivial Pursuit with them for about six hours. They new who the creators of the Human Genome project, but could not answer who the world's richest computer tycoon was in 2003 (Bill Gates)...WTF?

My personal favorite:

ATC: "TANKR 51, cleared approach. Call eight mile final."

TANKR 51: "Eight out, gear down. Full stop."

I love that.

[Guest Hvyplt]

The funniest thing had to be the 'fck' over the radio at the Deid a couple summers ago, followed by the ground controller asking 'Who said ###### on the radio?'

Chuck

How it went was....

?????: Fck

Ground: Last calling say again

15 Flt lead: Ground what he meant to say was disregard

On discrete: Beer…….2,3,4,5

[nrodgsxr]

The funniest thing had to be the '######' over the radio at the Deid a couple summers ago, followed by the ground controller asking 'Who said ###### on the radio?'

That's when everyone should respond

"XXXX did not say FU(K on the radio"

Edited June 25, 2007 by Kraeji

[JarheadBoom]

Heard a couple weeks ago; the receiver was returning to precontact after a briefed radio-silent disconnect....

Rcvr: "Hey boom, just a heads-up, the PDI's went out for a couple seconds before the disconnect, and the next light I got was a steady AFT light"

Me: "xx, that's correct"

Rcvr - "Are they supposed to do that?"

--pregnant pause as my instructor and I stare at each other in disbelief--

Rcvr: "Uhhh, disregard"

Tnkr AC [interphone]: "Did he really just ask you why the PDI's went out??"

Me [interphone]: "Yep"

Tnkr AC [interphone]: "Some people's kids..."

[PaddyPilot]

(kagc)

ATC: N##### Advise motorcycle on taxiway

later that year

we're downwind for 28 and these alarms start going off on the atc frequency and some random hillbilly pilot keys his mike and just starts screaming. it was the funniest thing i ever heard.

[Guest Boom]

After briefing a practice radio silent separation.

Receiver - "Why are you flashing your lights at me? Oh shit, my bad."

[FallingOsh]

Last week

Aircraft: Sheppard ground, Poker xx, taxi with Mike

Ground: Banger xx, taxi 15C

Aircraft: Confirm Poker taki 15C

Ground: Afirm, Banger

Aircraft: Negative. POKER xx for taxi

Ground: Say again callsign

Aircraft: POKER xx, POKE HER!, POKE HER TAXI!!

Ground: Poker taxi 15C

And the always classic:

FWC: Banger flight, after Beavr, cleared Goree

Banger: Banger, Beaver, Goree

[Cooter]

In the last week with AWACS (always a pleasure) on secure:

AWACS: Are you going to be moving track soon?

Us: Negative we'll be staying here for the duration of on station

AWACS: Copy, out...(he thinks he waifers off the radio) "those guys are the laziest crew out here"

Us: Copy your last

AWACS: Herk 69 are you up this net? RJ is not up this net.

Us: AWACS we are up this net. BREAK BREAK Herk 69 radio check

AWACS: Herk 69 AWACS has you LC, contact RJ on this net

Us: This is RJ we're up this net

AWACS: Copy Herk 69 will relay to RJ

We finally called it quits and tried other routes, AWACS never realized they were only talking to us the whole time. This also doesn't cover the dozens of times they do compartment calls over the radios.

Cooter

[JarheadBoom]

After briefing a practice radio silent separation.

Receiver - "Why are you flashing your lights at me? Oh shit, my bad."

On that same note:

"Hey Boom, your PDI's are all flashing at once..... uhhhhmm....."

[C-17 gets smaller in the sighting window]

"Sorry 'bout that, Boom"

Last week, F-16 on the boom, 5 others on our wings:

me - "x4, forward limit, back 5"

[F-16 proceeds to back out rapidly to the aft limit and I kick him off the boom]

Lead F-16: "Beer"

"2"

"3"

"5"

"6"

[brief pause]

"Damn..."

[PirateAF]

I wish I could remember the exact details as it was told to me - this was told to me by a wizened old instructor of mine in the C-17 at CHS who used to fly the KC-10.

Flying home from Europe talking to Boston center, this 10 pilot responds to a female controller check-in and then not realizing that the mic is still keyed indicates something like "with a voice like that I'll bet she'd like me to " etc...so of course the controller asks "Calling Boston say again"...and this retard instead of keeping his mouth shut actually says his callsign and "disregard".

Long story short, Boston ATC called his unit on the west coast, and shortly after he arrived back home the wing/cc ordered him to fly on his own dime commercially to Boston and apologize in person to the controller.

[Guest Hueypilot812]

While flying a C-21 up to ADW, we had a center controller tell us this:

ARTCC- "JOSA 123, there's a Delta 737 at FL350, and he'll be coming in your face"

us- "Uh...in sight, JOSA 123"

ARTCC- "Sorry about that"

And I heard this one while flying a Huey at an uncontrolled airfield with a couple closed runways:

Cessna- "Cessna 123 is left base for runway X-ray"

The IP flying with me- "Runway X-ray is a closed runway"

Cessna- "Cessna 123 is going around from runway X-ray"

[Guest RabidWombat]

At C-130 School house, (Little Rock for the uninitiated), on tower

.......: Alright, unless you guys need me, I'm gonna head to the back and take a leak.

(without hesitation)

Tower: Roger, cleared back.

Again, at the school house, on tower, on long final

Me: Before Landing Checks are compleeeeettteeeee...co-PILOT!

Tower: ..... Thanks. copilot.

Engineer: Beer

Loadmaster: Beer

[Guest xtndr50boom]

Pirate,

Close enough for the effect.

The actual story was it was a March or SJ KC-10 coming back from desert storm. Boston woman controller gave the Gucci direct to wherever, and followed with "is there anything else I can do for you?" to which he inadvertently replied "how about a blow job?". The next day the pilot AND his sq/cc flew out to Boston ARTCC and apologized for his stupidity

I flew with your instructor back in the day at the circus. Cool dude. Quirky. But cool

[Guest Hueypilot812]

A few months ago at LRF (Little Rock AFB) when the assault zone was still open:

We had just full stopped on the assault zone, and the taxiway at the end connected to the main runway (taxiway Hotel) and on the other side of the runway it was called taxiway Charlie. Standard practice was to have the aircraft that full-stopped either hold short for traffic to the main, or as in our case, tower thought the traffic was landing to the assault, and we would normally taxi onto the main to allow the following traffic land on the assault zone. Unfortunately, the tower controller lost his SA on who was doing what...add into it the WIC aircraft (Outlaw) apparently wasn't paying attention to what was unfolding in front of them, plus we missed Outlaw's base call where they probably had advised tower of their intentions:

tower: Jody XX, taxi onto Runway 25 at Hotel and hold, aircraft on final for runway 25 assault zone

us: Jody XX, on to 25 Hotel to hold

(we then saw the aircraft over the approach end lights as we were taxiing onto the runway, but he was lined up on the main)

us: Tower, Jody XX, is the aircraft on final for the main or the assault?

tower: Outlaw XX, are you to the main or the assault?

Outlaw: We're to the main

us internally: Oh sh!t, go straight across!

tower: Outlaw XX, go around, aircraft on runway

Outlaw: Outlaw XX on the go (as they were in the flare over the numbers)

us: Tower, Jody XX is exiting the runway at Charlie

tower: Contact ground

I nearly had to change my shorts that night...nothing like looking out the left side of your aircraft to see six bright aircraft lights as another aircraft is about to land on you. Reminded me of Tenerife in the Canary Islands.

[RangerMateo]

Okay, really all I've got under my belt is IFS, but still two good stories made it out of my class...

First was the kid from the class before us that was on his solo about the time we got done with the short academic program. We were all sitting in the flight room listening on the radio so we could learn the radio calls. He calls tower for his takeoff clearance, receives it, then taxis out for lineup and throws the coal to it. The mic key is on the front of the stick in the DA-20 and he was so nervous that he was holding it down through his takeoff roll and the whole time you could hear "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god....etc"

Second story is better. When we're flying dual we're a "Tiger" callsign then solo is "Kitty". Needless to say, you get pretty used to Tiger and during your solo you get a bit nervous and are thinking more about landing than your radios (Probably a good idea too!)

Kitty 60: "Kitty 60, downwind 08R"

Tower: "Kitty 60, report base"

Kitty 60: Titty 60, base 08R"

Tower: "Kitty 60, cleared full stop [Laughter in background]"

There was also a story from before of us a guy that decided to add the Super Troopers "meow" to the end of his Kitty calls. Ended up having to write a paper on the importance of correct radio procedures...

(Yes, I realize that was three stories...)

[magnetfreezer]

Myself and 3 other IFT guys met the instructor at KCEW to do our pattern solos; while each of us went up (sts) the instructor would take a radio and go out to the end of the taxiway to watch the landings/give the guys on the ground some pointers.

C-130 flying into the rework facility at KCEW: "Crestview Traffic, ### 10 miles out, straight in for runway XX"

Student in the pattern: silence

C-130: "Crestview Traffic, ### 5 miles out, straight in for runway XX, any aircraft in the pattern please advise"

Stud: silence

C-130 is finally visible from the ground and we notice the stud turning base,

Instructor: "###, this is a CFI on the ground with a Skyhawk in the pattern on his first solo"

C-130: "Roger, Skyhawk in sight"

Stud: "uhh...Crestview Traffic, Aero Club XX turning final runway XX, full stop"

[Ice Cream]

While waiting 45 min. for ground clearance out of Love field (Dallas):

Tower: (busy giving clearance to other aircraft)

Pilot: I'm f*^king bored!

Tower: (continues giving clearances)

Pilot: I'm f*^king bored!

Tower: Quiet! (then still continues giving clearances)

Pilot: I'm f*^king bored!

Tower: WHO IS THIS, IDENTIFY YOURSELF!!!

---brief pause---

Pilot: I said I was f*^king bored...not f*^king stupid!

[Guest xtndr50boom]

^^ LOL!!! Wow! That is fresh! Bored....not stupid.... How rich!

[Gravedigger]

While waiting 45 min. for ground clearance out of Love field (Dallas):

Tower: (busy giving clearance to other aircraft)

Pilot: I'm f*^king bored!

Tower: (continues giving clearances)

Pilot: I'm f*^king bored!

Tower: Quiet! (then still continues giving clearances)

Pilot: I'm f*^king bored!

Tower: WHO IS THIS, IDENTIFY YOURSELF!!!

---brief pause---

Pilot: I said I was f*^king bored...not f*^king stupid!

This must have happened at every airport, once a week, for the last 20 years...