Whats the funniest thing you've heard over the radio?

[daynightindicator]

Couple years ago while preflighting a jet out at the Deid...

"Any player, BoneXX, radio check AC-1"

"BoneXX, Wizard has you loud and clear."

"Wizard, BoneXX has you same, thanks."

(30 sec. later)

"BoneXX, Wizard - turn right IMMEDIATELY!!! Traffic BRA 069/6.9 FLXXX opposite direction!!"

"Uhh, Wizard, BoneXX is on the ramp at Al Udeid..."

"Bone, uhh, Wizard....copy all...traffic no factor"

[kack911]

We decided that intercom antics are fair game, right?

From the jumpseat:

Captain - "Gear down, Flaps 45."

F/O - "Drop it like it's hot!"

[snoopyeast]

Tanker getting ready to leave the airshow. Fighter after fighter are leaving ahead and all asking for unrestricted to FL really high. Tanker at the hold short line, waits for the last fighter to make his request, then keys the radio and asks for unrestricted to 20k.

Tower: Aircraft 69, would you like me to read the convective SIGMET?

Aircraft 69: Go ahead.

Tower: Proceeds to read for 5 minutes the SIGMET.

Aircraft 69: Roger, thanks for the info

Tower: Aircraft 69, can you read all that back to me.

That was funny.

[Ferg]

That was funny.

I guess you had to be there.

[BQZip01]

Tower and Cessna 172

Tower: Aero Club zero seven, winds 320 at 12 cleared for takeoff, runway 33 right

AC 07: Aero Club zero seven heavy cleared for takeoff 33-right

AC 07 IP (not realizing he's got a hot mic): I didn't eat that much at lunch you little f***er.

Tower: Aero Club zero seven heavy, you may have a hot mic.

[abmwaldo]

Conversation between a JTAC and GFC.

JTAC: We've secured the compound but it's the wrong one.

GFC: We're going to have to get civil affairs out here ASAP to pay for the gate. (which was destroyed during the infil)

Random station: I can't get MY f*$King travel voucher paid out that quickly.

[Guest Crew Report]

Couple years ago while preflighting a jet out at the Deid...

"Any player, BoneXX, radio check AC-1"

"BoneXX, Wizard has you loud and clear."

"Wizard, BoneXX has you same, thanks."

(30 sec. later)

"BoneXX, Wizard - turn right IMMEDIATELY!!! Traffic BRA 069/6.9 FLXXX opposite direction!!"

"Uhh, Wizard, BoneXX is on the ramp at Al Udeid..."

"Bone, uhh, Wizard....copy all...traffic no factor"

Anything out of Wizard's mouth (sts) is the funniest thing on the radio.

Edited May 9, 2010 by Crew Report

[abmwaldo]

Anything out of Wizard's mouth (sts) is the funniest thing on the radio.

First: Each of the AWOs (WDs) listens to four external nets; more often than not they are not the same net and every bit of information which is transmitted to Wizard isn't shared among the controllers or the rest of the crew (I'm sure you can imagine the amount of information which comes across 13 different UHF let alone 2 satcom, 3 vhf, 3 hf, etc...) So when BoneXX radio checks AC-1 he may be talking to someone, potentially not a controller, who doesn't share that non-mission essential bit of information with the rest of the crew and our training supports that. Do we make sure that things like TICs, CSAR/SAR, tanker information is shared amongst the crew? Absolutely and our crew TTPs/contracts are set up to support that information flow.

Imagine for a second that you, your copilot and your loadmaster (or engineer or other crew position XX) each listened to 4x different nets. Do you think all information passed among those 8-12 nets would get shared even with two-three crewmembers? If you're a single seat guy imagine if all of your wingman were listening to 3x different nets with a single common?

Second: We're system limited as to the # of SIF we can load to have the computer display your callsign when it senses your unique SIF. I'm positive that every aircraft which takes off in the AOR uses their ATO assigned mission # and has a valid M4 (sarcasm) While M4 doesn't mean much in certain theaters it means quite a bit in others. While that comm interaction is commical, thereby meeting the intent of the thread, I'm sure that there is no way someone could have loaded the incorrect mode 2/3 or stepped to spare and didn't reset the modes (sarcasm) thereby increasing the chances that the AWO (WD) would think Bone XX is airborne when in fact it was Bone XY.

Third: Wouldn't you rather have that comm instead of not having it and potentially swapping paint? Not likely but then again I'm positive that everyone, everywhere (sarcasm) is always on their ACO/ACP/SPINS/COF assigned altitude and in their corridor. I'd prefer the controller has the SA to not make that call in the first place but I'd rather that piece of extraneous SAFETY related comm instead of not having it.

Waldo

[Buddy Spike]

We decided that intercom antics are fair game, right?

From the jumpseat:

Captain - "Gear down, Flaps 45."

F/O - "Drop it like it's hot!"

Funny not found.

[HossHarris]

(words words words) ...

Waldo

Lighten Up, Francis.

[capt4fans]

First: Each of the AWOs (WDs) listens to four external nets; more often than not they are not the same net and every bit of information which is transmitted to Wizard isn't shared among the controllers or the rest of the crew (I'm sure you can imagine the amount of information which comes across 13 different UHF let alone 2 satcom, 3 vhf, 3 hf, etc...) So when BoneXX radio checks AC-1 he may be talking to someone, potentially not a controller, who doesn't share that non-mission essential bit of information with the rest of the crew and our training supports that. Do we make sure that things like TICs, CSAR/SAR, tanker information is shared amongst the crew? Absolutely and our crew TTPs/contracts are set up to support that information flow.

Imagine for a second that you, your copilot and your loadmaster (or engineer or other crew position XX) each listened to 4x different nets. Do you think all information passed among those 8-12 nets would get shared even with two-three crewmembers? If you're a single seat guy imagine if all of your wingman were listening to 3x different nets with a single common?

Second: We're system limited as to the # of SIF we can load to have the computer display your callsign when it senses your unique SIF. I'm positive that every aircraft which takes off in the AOR uses their ATO assigned mission # and has a valid M4 (sarcasm) While M4 doesn't mean much in certain theaters it means quite a bit in others. While that comm interaction is commical, thereby meeting the intent of the thread, I'm sure that there is no way someone could have loaded the incorrect mode 2/3 or stepped to spare and didn't reset the modes (sarcasm) thereby increasing the chances that the AWO (WD) would think Bone XX is airborne when in fact it was Bone XY.

Third: Wouldn't you rather have that comm instead of not having it and potentially swapping paint? Not likely but then again I'm positive that everyone, everywhere (sarcasm) is always on their ACO/ACP/SPINS/COF assigned altitude and in their corridor. I'd prefer the controller has the SA to not make that call in the first place but I'd rather that piece of extraneous SAFETY related comm instead of not having it.

Waldo

From a previous AWACER to a current one.

Waldo guess you've heard this phrase a few times huh? "Hey GoatGoat, where's the traffic?"

Unwad your panties and and then remember these words that should be posted on top of every Goats console in the back of the Wacker.

"GET IN, SIT DOWN, SHUT-UP, HOLD ON"

[BQZip01]

First: Each of the AWOs (WDs) listens to four external nets; more often than not they are not the same net and every bit of information which is transmitted to Wizard isn't shared among the controllers or the rest of the crew (I'm sure you can imagine the amount of information which comes across 13 different UHF let alone 2 satcom, 3 vhf, 3 hf, etc...) So when BoneXX radio checks AC-1 he may be talking to someone, potentially not a controller, who doesn't share that non-mission essential bit of information with the rest of the crew and our training supports that. Do we make sure that things like TICs, CSAR/SAR, tanker information is shared amongst the crew? Absolutely and our crew TTPs/contracts are set up to support that information flow.

Imagine for a second that you, your copilot and your loadmaster (or engineer or other crew position XX) each listened to 4x different nets. Do you think all information passed among those 8-12 nets would get shared even with two-three crewmembers? If you're a single seat guy imagine if all of your wingman were listening to 3x different nets with a single common?

Second: We're system limited as to the # of SIF we can load to have the computer display your callsign when it senses your unique SIF. I'm positive that every aircraft which takes off in the AOR uses their ATO assigned mission # and has a valid M4 (sarcasm) While M4 doesn't mean much in certain theaters it means quite a bit in others. While that comm interaction is commical, thereby meeting the intent of the thread, I'm sure that there is no way someone could have loaded the incorrect mode 2/3 or stepped to spare and didn't reset the modes (sarcasm) thereby increasing the chances that the AWO (WD) would think Bone XX is airborne when in fact it was Bone XY.

Third: Wouldn't you rather have that comm instead of not having it and potentially swapping paint? Not likely but then again I'm positive that everyone, everywhere (sarcasm) is always on their ACO/ACP/SPINS/COF assigned altitude and in their corridor. I'd prefer the controller has the SA to not make that call in the first place but I'd rather that piece of extraneous SAFETY related comm instead of not having it.

Waldo

QUIBBLING!!!

[abmwaldo]

QUIBBLING!!!

Valid and on to the next "funniest thing you've heard over the radio" so as to not derail another thread.

[Guest Crew Report]

Third: Wouldn't you rather have that comm instead of not having it and potentially swapping paint? Not likely but then again I'm positive that everyone, everywhere (sarcasm) is always on their ACO/ACP/SPINS/COF assigned altitude and in their corridor. I'd prefer the controller has the SA to not make that call in the first place but I'd rather that piece of extraneous SAFETY related comm instead of not having it.

Waldo

You're right, I would rather have comm. However what I really want are British or Aussie GCI instead of Wizard. Why? Because they are better and don't suck at the radios. They have their moments, however they aren't remotely as bad as AWACers. Don't believe me? Start a poll on this forum asking us who's better in the AOR, we're your customers over there.

Funniest Wizard communication:

"Bone 21, uh, cleared uh elevator."

"I HAVE THE RADIOS!"

Then some other controller started talking.

[BlackKnight]

You're right, I would rather have comm. However what I really want are British or Aussie GCI instead of Wizard. Why? Because they are better and don't suck at the radios. They have their moments, however they aren't remotely as bad as AWACers. Don't believe me? Start a poll on this forum asking us who's better in the AOR, we're your customers over there.

Funniest Wizard communication:

"Bone 21, uh, cleared uh elevator."

"I HAVE THE RADIOS!"

Then some other controller started talking.

Vote 1 for the Brits. Outstanding job.

[Guest Alarm Red]

How on earth can anyone possibly bring up Wizard's shortcomings without even a passing reference to the abortion of a C2 agency that is Pyramid? I'd rather ask the Pakis to vector us around than work with the circular reporting C2 agency that Pyramid is.

+1 on Crowbar being great though.

[Guest Crew Report]

How on earth can anyone possibly bring up Wizard's shortcomings without even a passing reference to the abortion of a C2 agency that is Pyramid? I'd rather ask the Pakis to vector us around than work with the circular reporting C2 agency that Pyramid is.

+1 on Crowbar being great though.

Pyramid are AWACers just as ground based CGI. Which is why they suck.

[abmwaldo]

Pyramid are AWACers just as ground based CGI. Which is why they suck.

Prior to condemning another community I recommend gathering facts; the controllers on the Pyramid (and all the CRCs both CONUS and OCONUS) freq are actually enlisted WDs (who no longer fly on AWACS). Their "supervision," if you will, is drawn from both AWACS and JSTARS. If you're referring to their lack of capabilities(system limitations) I'd be more than happy to discuss that, and provide amplifying data, on SIPR baseops (if it still exists?).

Mods: I recommend moving these last few posts to "ABM (Air Battle Manager) info" in the "General Discussion" board in an attempt to prevent this thread from derailing further.

[Guest]

Vote 1 for the Brits. Outstanding job.

Bondo/Fat Bastard.

[Guest Crew Report]

Prior to condemning another community I recommend gathering facts; the controllers on the Pyramid (and all the CRCs both CONUS and OCONUS) freq are actually enlisted WDs (who no longer fly on AWACS). Their "supervision," if you will, is drawn from both AWACS and JSTARS. If you're referring to their lack of capabilities(system limitations) I'd be more than happy to discuss that, and provide amplifying data, on SIPR baseops (if it still exists?).

Mods: I recommend moving these last few posts to "ABM (Air Battle Manager) info" in the "General Discussion" board in an attempt to prevent this thread from derailing further.

So they're not Brits? Checks.

[daynightindicator]

Waldo

waldo,

definitely didn't mean to start a AWACer bashing thread. merely pointing out some funny comm - i'm sure there were valid reasons it occurred, but at the time it was still funny to hear. that said, i've screwed up comm before and i'm sure i'll do it again. we all make mistakes and as long as we debrief it, learn from it, and don't repeat it, we'll all get better. i know you guys are working a job that's not your primary role with less than adequate equipment. i've been flying in this region for the last 3+ years on and off, and i think the improvement has been dramatic, honestly. still some speed-bumps, but it's better than it was.

/thread derailment

another funny comm snippet from Iraq circa 2007...

"Kingpin, BoneXX request killbox 69AA, two-four block two-five."

(attractive-sounding female controller) "Bone, Kingpin, unable. Can you stay hard at two-four for the next thirty minutes?"

(after confirming with the rest of the crew that she had really just said that)...

"Kinpin, BoneXX can stay hard wherever you want for as long as you need."

[slacker]

"Kinpin, BoneXX can stay hard wherever you want for as long as you need."

Winner.

[Tinker51]

I was about 15 miles from a large airport at 7000' doing 250 knots.

Approach. N##### turn right 30 degrees. Traffic at your six o'clock, Airline 737 at 9000' with a 50 knot overtake.

Us. If he is at 9 and I am at 7 doing 250 knots how is he passing me?

Approach. Airline 123 reduce speed to 200 indicated.

[Right Seat Driver]

I was about 15 miles from a large airport at 7000' doing 250 knots.

Approach. N##### turn right 30 degrees. Traffic at your six o'clock, Airline 737 at 9000' with a 50 knot overtake.

Us. If he is at 9 and I am at 7 doing 250 knots how is he passing me?

Approach. Airline 123 reduce speed to 200 indicated.

Huh?

[booze]

Huh?

Hint...it has to do with max airspeed below 10K...