Whats the funniest thing you've heard over the radio?

[LockheedFix]

Heard on ATIS in the background during a pause between the altimeter setting and NOTAMs: "I'm getting drunk tonight!" When I called ground, the chick that cleared us to start engines was definitely the same voice that announced her intentions for that evening on the tape loop every thirty seconds for the next hour.

[FourFans]

Heard on ATIS in the background during a pause between the altimeter setting and NOTAMs: "I'm getting drunk tonight!" When I called ground, the chick that cleared us to start engines was definitely the same voice that announced her intentions for that evening on the tape loop every thirty seconds for the next hour.

It would be even funnier if you hear that in the desert.

I've always been a fan of Ali Center complimented by Eagle Ops.

Cheers,

FourFans

[HerkDerka]

During an AEF swapout with the new controllers in the tower for the first time:

"Al Udeid ATIS information charlie, uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh."

Three sweeps and the ATIS when off the air for a few seconds.

"Al Udeid ATIS information charlie, 0458Z, winds 170/10, sky cond......uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh......fuck."

Five full sweeps of it until they realized their mistake.

HD

[Guest illini52]

"Uhhhh, Chicago Center, I think my GPS just took a dump"

[Guest Viperfixr]

This takes place during a nightime flight into Green Bay with my girlfriends little brother (16 yr old). Its his first time flying in a small plane so he's talking ALOT "look at that, look at that." He loves picking out the Walmarts because of the bubbles on the roof. I told him when we get into GB airspace to be quiet so I can talk to the GB controller. I was in the downwind and I see a landing light on long final. Little bro is glued to the window over the city. About a second later the controller requests I perform a short approach to land in front of the jet, or extend downwind and come in number 2. I initiated the turn, keyed the mic and sure enough out it comes "HEY THERES A WALMART DOWN THERE." I looked at him with a "what did we talk about earlier" tone. He asks me if they heard that. I nodded yes and told him to be quiet so I could confirm our turn. He turned very red and did not say another word there or back. Good story for the family during holiday dinners, he still turns VERY red. Controller took it in stride.

[Guest Cam]

Female Controller: "DOOM 91, your mode 3 is intermittent. Could you wack it?"

(recycled the IFF) Me: "Center, I just wacked it. Is it working for you now?"

Female Controller: (brief laughter) "Oooh yeah!"

[ClearedHot]

Trying to launch out of a forward location on an E-CAS Mission. The ground controller treis to tell me to hold position so he can recover and park a C-17 on a 20 mile final. I respond "Negative, we are on a real world mission", the C-17 never even lets the controller respond when they answer, "We are real world too"....YGBFSM!

Edited April 11, 2007 by ClearedHot

[Guest sleepy]

"Podunkville Unycom, this is, uh, Pie-per BR549. [long pause] Uh, ah, could we git an airport advisory?"

549, we got a long runway and the grass is green, what else you wanna know?

[Guest Cam]

While pulling I was pulling SOF one day, there was a crew, "SKULL 21," that was working maintenance issues in the hammerhead. After their problem was fixed and as they were getting ready to call number one, another aircraft from the same squadron, "SKULL 22" taxied right past them and started running pre-takeoff checklist items at the hold line. By doing this they blocked SKULL 21 from leaving the hammerhead, who had roughly 5 minutes to get airborne in order to make their range time in Utah to drop live weapons. Naturally, SKULL 22 took their sweet ass time getting ready for takeoff, and SKULL 21 was cancelled and ordered back to the chalks.

When that happened, I shook my head in disgust and said "Way to f*ck your buddies, assholes." As I finished that sentiment, I noticed that the transmit light on my radio control panel was blinking. I smacked the transmit button, which was stuck in the transmit position, and it popped back out, extinguishing the transmit light...

Over 311.0, "Foxtrot, SKULL 21... er nevermind."

Immediately the phone started ringing. It was the OG/CC's exec. "Yeah, Cam, 'Charlie' said to check your mike."

"Roger..."

The phone rang again, this time it was the Ops Sup for the squadron in question, "Foxtrot, this is LtCol Bagadonuts... eh, forget it." And he hung up.

Needless to say, it took quite a while for me to live that one down, and people still talk about it...

Edited April 12, 2007 by Cam

[DC]

Not the funniest EVER, but it made me laugh. Last T-1s coming home for the day, we were coming back from a singleton mission fam O&B. I had a great flight w/ the only problem being a tendency to mix up my radios. While descending into Vance my instructor is joking w/ me the whole time looking at the clock about overflying. I'm doing my best to stay as high as I can to keep TAS up on the descent and then plumet in at the end, which backfires into them giving us retarded vectors. We're the only aircraft on Approach North's frequency. Right after getting vectors he keys up the mic:

My IP: "Hey Tora 2, I can't believe these fukers are going to overfly me on a Friday." (he was referring to me and the other student)

ATC: "Tora 71, Approach. Its Thursday, sir."

My IP (w/o missing a beat on now on correct freq.): "Hey Tora 2, I can't believe I just said that to ATC."

A couple minutes later ATC: "Tora 71 flight, contact tower channel 5, and we did the best we could for you, sir. I don't see why you had to be so rude to us."

All was well when I pointed out we didn't have to take ALL five minutes of taxi time. He didn't have to fill out overfly paperwork and I didn't buy any downgrades for comms.

Edited April 11, 2007 by DC

[Techsan]

I have heard several airline passenger briefings over guard, and once over center freq....and they never seem to get old. Especially after their wafer listening to everyone step on each other so they could make fun of the dude.

I'm wondering if its an initiation that airline guys have. I know that just about every time I key the mic I take a glance at what radio I'm transmitting on...however I still end up with occasional radio buffonery.

[JP84U2]

Cam's story reminded me of something that happened 20 years ago at RAF Bentwaters: We were sitting in the specialist truck covering launches, I was but a lowely wing nut, half asleep on the bench in the back. The guy driving the truck was talking about banging a one legged girl and then started in on a rather lengthy and graphic description of oral sex on a chick and how close to the turd chute your tougne was..... his description was so vivid that one of the guys was about to about that time the ProSuper truck comes flying up at the speed of heat, the ProSuper screaming "Your mic is stuck, your mic is stuck!"

The boom formerly known as Humps.

[capt4fans]

OIF flying out of a base in the Med........16 pulls off the tanker, and checks the code words for the day.

Female 16 driver, "Viper 56 is CAMEL TOE"!!!!

I thought I was gonna shit myself.

[C17Driver]

Sitting on the ground at Pope during a JFEX at halftime (middle of the night). A maintainer (female) working on a -130 across the ramp with a stuck mic on the ground freq. She apparently had quite the night of getting drunk, eating pizza...and "messing" around with her roommate...

[Herk Driver]

Back when I was at Ramstein, we had taken four Herks on an off-station trainer to Budapest, Hungary. Well, to set the story up, the Hungarian national airline is Malev and they have quite a few Fokker aircraft.

Well, we had started engines and dutifully noticed that taxi time was upon us. Lead keys the mike, right on time, and request taxi. The controller, in a very heavy accent, says Herky 70 you are cleared to taxi, follow the Malev Fokker. I look over at my AC and ask, did he just say follow the motherfvcker? We both laugh but then look outside and waaaay to the right. We see the Malev airline Fokker jet taxing from right to left. Well, lead is too our left and back just a little so he can't quite see the same aircraft that we do. It was really all a matter of a about 5 seconds before lead's copilot comes back with "Ground, say again". The controller repeats, "Herky 70, you are cleared to taxi, follow the Malev Fokker". The co-pilot didn't miss a beat. He said, "Roger, Herky 70, cleared to taxi. We'll follow the mother fvcker". The ground controller didn't say a word.

Funniest thing I had ever heard on the radio, up to that point.

[Guest Boom]

I was refueling a C-17 and the pilot was moving all around the envelope. I was also using the Boom Interphone.

When I thought I was talking to the tanker pilots I was actually talking to the C-17 cause I forgot to switch the interphone off.

"Yeah, this guy version of stable is a inadvertent limits demo on his part."

C-17 - "Sorry! It's sorta turbulent out here!"

Oops.

[Guest Tertle]

Today at work I heard "can some help me, I've got this nut sack with a hole in it and nuts might fall out"

[dmeg130]

Empty leg from LAX back to the Springs, 'round '97...

Take off, then settle in to watch "Terminator 2" on the laptop. After about 20 minutes, look at the other dude -- "You heard ATC for a while?"

"Nope." Looks at wafer switch. "Oops." Thought he was playing the audio from the computer over hot mike.

I chime in: "Ah, SOCAL, JOSA 123, you still up?"

"Roger JOSA, we've had some kind of music or something on freq... Contact LA Center now on..."

Glad they didn't have DF equipment.

[Phil Ken Sebben]

T-6 cross country and we had a group of 4 coming into SDF during their big UPS push requesting multiple instrument approaches each. Controller is starting to get edgy and tells us we probably won't get more than one to a full stop. First two guys get their wish for a second approach when our number three dude makes his request... "Louisville Approach, Ball XX, request ILS 17L, FU(K! 35R" Controller grants his request amid much laughter in background. We call up next and are told to expect the full stop. Once we're up on ground freq they give us a phone number to call, and we're expecting to get bitched out. Turns out it was their SUP apologizing for not being able to accommodate our request and next time if we come between this time and that time we could have as many approaches as needed. Overall cool bunch of guys there! Much consumed downtown that night too!

[HerkDerka]

Just yesterday:

"Control, Pat Five Five."

"Roger Pat Five Five. Are you looking for higher today?"

"Pat Five Five, that would be gay.............great."

HD

[LockheedFix]

At Al Asad a couple of days ago, their radar was down and we were coming in from the east with a Marine KC-130 coming in from the north. Approach kept asking us for radial/DMEs off the TACAN to keep us deconflicted. Then I hear this:

Asad App: Midas 21, say your radial/DME.

M21: We are on the 377 radial for, uh, 2-0, uh, 3-0, uh.....we're due north 25 miles!

AA(laughing): Say again your radial?!

M21: We're on the uh, uh.... (other pilots steps in) we're on the 035 at 20 miles, we've got the other C-130 in sight.

AA (still laughing): Midas 21, follow him in, you're cleared for the overhead, runway 27 left.

[Guest rotorhead]

After the first PAVEHAWK deployed a team into an LZ with a knoll in it, the pilot lifted out of the LZ, and wanted to advise me that on this moonless NVG flight, "be careful as you land in the LZ, because there are ground troops on the knoll"...his words on the radio: GHOST 77, BE ADVISED, WE'VE GOT TROOPS ON THE KNOB.

On the same flight, I was to take formation lead from the other bird, during a turn. He wanted to advise me "it is permissible to turn inside his turn, and take lead"...his words on the radio: GHOST 77, YOU CAN COME INSIDE ME.

[Scooter14]

Tabletop EP, Tweet Formation

"Simulated" radio call...

IP - Two ship departure, two's gear won't come up...you have the aircraft.

Me - "Sir, I will maintain aircraft......blah, blah, blah. Two, you have the lead on the right."

The other student - "Roger, I have the lead on the right. Sir, uh, I think, uh, I'll have two check my landing gear to see if it's a sequencing malfunction."

IP - "OK, fine. How would you go about doing that?"

The other student - "Reno Two, I uh, need you to do a, uh, battle damage check. I think I, uh, have a main gear sequencing malfunction, so I need you to check that out for me. Oh, AND WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE..."

That's as far as he got before I looked across the table at the other IP's and the three of us just busted up laughing.

[Rocker]

One from this weekend that made me chuckle, I think it was ABQ center. There were lots of storms and associated turbulence this past weekend in the SW USA, and we were flying to Nellis from Barksdale. We'd been on whatever center freq for a while, hearing all the airliners talking about all the turbulence and asking for higher and the controller sounded a little frazzled with the non-stop chatter and requests. Then a new aircraft checks in, from the east where I guess it'd been smooth.

Airline: "Albuquerque, American 123, flight level 380, good ride."

And the controller responds (as if he's happy to report), "American 123, Albuquerque Center, roger, expect moderate turbulence for the next couple hundred miles."

American's only response was an annoyed, "Oh, thanks!"

I know some of the Herk drivers on here must have some funnier ones than that since the only difference between intercom and transmitting on the selected radio is the difference between pushing or pulling the same switch. I'm sure most aircraft are similar. And if you're getting a little complacent at high level, you can end up saying some horrible and funny stuff to the world, depending on what you and the crew are talking about right then...

[Dead Last]

I have heard my fair share of Co-Piglet GT sessions in the Desert that were supposed to be on interphone but transmitted over Ali Center. I can never resist the "Waifer" call just to add a little humiliation...

Cheers