Whats the funniest thing you've heard over the radio?

[amcflyboy]

Last week, I was on my way to MSP for a Guardlift, and was talking to Minneapolis center and heard this:

Mesaba Jet: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome aboard Mesaba flight ###. We're crusing at an altitude of 32,000 feet....." blah blah blah.

This went on for a solid minute, then went something like this:

My A/C: "WAFER!!!"

Me: "That was beautiful!!"

Mesaba Jet: "Ah darn it! I hate it when that happens!"

Another Jet: "Dude that was better than my speech to the passengers!"

MSP Center: Multiple laughter from controllers followed by "Mesaba flight ### contact MSP center on ###.x"

About 5 seconds later:

Mesaba jet thinking he switched freqs: "Center, Mesaba..crap!"

Immediately by another jet: "GIGGITY!"

Everybody in the cockpit was in tears for the rest of the flight!

[Toro]

Student went to key the mic, forgot what he was going to say and left the mic keyed. After a few seconds, you can hear the IP in back yell "get off the f'ing radio!"

In the realm of cussing on the radio, I've been lucky enough not to get caught up to this point, but I had a wingman who wasn't so lucky. During a Lakenhell Tac Eval, we were cranking our jets when we heard a call over for the C models to scramble. Basically this means they jump into the hot-cocked (sts) jets, taxi to the closest runway (even if it's not the active) and takeoff. The only thing they need to do is call ground for taxi and tower for takeoff - from start to takeoff is a matter of minutes.

No kidding 6-9 seconds after that call came out, I could hear my wingman doing his starting checks. Being hot mic on the ops (aux) frequency would have been bad enough, but he was on ground freq. For the next minute or so guys were yelling "hot mic" into the aux radio, but you can't hear the aux when you're talking in the main and the WSO either wasn't paying attention or had his radios turned down/off. I told my crew chief to disconnect, run to his jet (until a couple hundred feet away) and tell him he was hot mic. My chief ran up to his chief and yelled into his ear. A couple seconds later I heard my wingman on the radio, "What? Hot mic...what the f*** is he talking about, how does he know I'm hot mic?" He looks over at me and I'm holding up my left hand to key an imaginary mic switch.

Brief pause, followed by hot mic being unkeyed.

C models: (extremely pissed off) Ground Eagle 1 request scramble taxi!

[Guest regularjoe]

Along the lines of Toro's C model scramble, I was sitting in line one day at the local airport and I think I was about 3rd or 4th back in line and American is cleared to position and hold when all the sudden you see the alert hanger doors open and out come roaring two C models bound for the runway.

Here is what followed the best that I can remember.

Chit flight - Tower request immediate takeoff with climb to angels 20

### Tower - Chit flight cleared as requested take immediate runway and departure approved as requested.

### Tower - American ### make 90 degree and exit runway asap

AA Flight (sitting on said runway in position and hold) - negative we are position and hold

### Tower - acknowledge AA please make 90 degree and exit runway for departing F-15's

AA - negative tower are we cleared to depart?

### Tower - negative AA exit the runway immediately

Chit flight - Tower/AA we will just go around them

About this time I think the dumbass in the cockpit of the AA flight finally looked to his left and realized what was going.

AA - tower where are we supposed to go these F-15's are coming onto the runway with us

Chit flight - AA don't worry we will be out of here shortly

About that time the lead F-15 plugged the burners about 150 feet in front of the AA flight followed by the wingman.

Shortly after the second starting his takeoff roll you hear on the tower freq. - "Well I guess you don't have to be smart to fly a bus."

Personally I think it was Delta flight in front of us but who knows.

[Guest DmodelBUF]

In position and holding on R25 at DEN, I looked up the taxiway to see a Beech 1900 behind us with a United 747 behind it. Looked like an elephant staring down at a grasshopper. We roll and then hear the tower clear the Beech for takeoff. Then, the 747 takes the runway.

TOWER: United 923 heavy, cleared for takeoff runway 25, caution wake turbulence, departing Beech 1900!

UNITED 923: Roger, cleared for takeoff, R25, will watch for the turbulence...

[Skyryder]

Montgomery Airport in Alabama I was behind a student about to take off, he was holding short of the Active runway when he recieved these instructions from the tower:

ATC "Cessna 1234, Taxi to position and hold"

Student "Roger, Taxi to position and Roll"

ATC "NO! Stop! I said Hold, that means don't go!."

Student "Oh right...Hold...Uh taxi to position and hold"

Later after the same pilot made it off the ground, controllers radioed again.

ATC "Cessna 1234 Say altitude..."

Student "Uhh.....Altitude..."

ATC "(Laughter), no no, Say what altitude you're at"

Student "What altitude am I at?"

ATC " I don't know you tell me..."

Student "OH! 1200"

ATC " Thanks..."

True story. Gotta love it.

[bfargin]

ATC "Cessna 1234 Say altitude..."

Student "Uhh.....Altitude..."

ATC "(Laughter), no no, Say what altitude you're at"

Student "What altitude am I at?"

ATC " I don't know you tell me..."

Student "OH! 1200"

ATC " Thanks..."

True story. Gotta love it.

The student's IP should be smacked.

[Goblin]

Later after the same pilot made it off the ground, controllers radioed again.

ATC "Cessna 1234 Say altitude..."

Student "Uhh.....Altitude..."

ATC "(Laughter), no no, Say what altitude you're at"

Student "What altitude am I at?"

ATC " I don't know you tell me..."

Student "OH! 1200"

ATC " Thanks..."

True story. Gotta love it.

Haven't heard that one before

[AFCS_Actuator]

The following occurred in the RSU pattern here at Laughlin with a dude in my class on his last T-6 ride with this pattern being the full stop, keep in mind there weren't any other T-6s in the pattern:

Stud: "Texan XX, gear down, full stop... T-6 Complete."

Honcho controller: "Final Turn, restricted low approach."

Following the penalty low approach:

Stud: "Texan XX, request closed."

Honcho: "Negative Closed."

The stud got a talking to, but his IP put him up to it, so nothing really happened to him.

[zrooster99]

Two Stories:

One of my classmates at Laughlin apparently had a stuck mic on one of his solos and was doing one hell of a Darth Vader impression...when the mic finally got un-stuck all you heard was: "Honcho Copies Heavy Breathing"

Me to a female Gander controller with a nice voice as we started our second ocean crossing in 3 days: "Reach 069 switching 1xx.xx, Have a Luscious Day!"

[amcflyboy]

Two Stories:

One of my classmates at Laughlin apparently had a stuck mic on one of his solos and was doing one hell of a Darth Vader impression...when the mic finally got un-stuck all you heard was: "Honcho Copies Heavy Breathing"

Me to a female Gander controller with a nice voice as we started our second ocean crossing in 3 days: "Reach 069 switching 1xx.xx, Have a Luscious Day!"

Yeah I think I've heard her too whenever we have to make a stop up at Goose!

[JarheadBoom]

Heard earlier today, on a busy NY Center freq:

NYC: Citation xxx, cleared direct HAMPTON.

Unknown aircraft: Huh?

<brief pause>

NYC: Citation xxx, NY Center.

Citation: Ahhh Center, we heard you, but whoever pulled that "Huh?" crap stepped on us. Direct HAMPTON, Citation xxx.

NYC: [chuckling voice] NY Center, roger.

And, I heard a dumbass on another freq call himself "Cessna 6-triple-nickel-x". Repeatedly.

[brabus]

And, I heard a dumbass on another freq call himself "Cessna 6-triple-nickel-x". Repeatedly.

Maybe that was one of the LSI guys who flies his 152 to initial and breaks at the local airport. Seriously, that's great you flew the eagle 20 yrs ago, but let it go dude.

[Buddy Spike]

Maybe that was one of the LSI guys who flies his 152 to initial and breaks at the local airport. Seriously, that's great you flew the eagle 20 yrs ago, but let it go dude.

HAHAHAHA... This wouldn't happen to be an IFF LSI guy that would always begin every sentence with "In the Eagle..." would it?

[brabus]

HAHAHAHA... This wouldn't happen to be an IFF LSI guy that would always begin every sentence with "In the Eagle..." would it?

It just might be. I'm pretty sure I've spaced out for minutes at a time while he's talking.

[Guest RabidWombat]

Desert Shennanigan's Ensue

Interphone FE: Anybody want anything from the cooler

Copilot: I'll take a sandwhich, a grape juice, a delicious cookie, and a hug

Ali Center: Sooo a sandwhich and a juice?

Mysteriously heard over Ali Center: Claton Bigsby

The following controllers are Local Mideast controllers(so add the mideast accent to their lines), If you recognize the callsigns then you know where this is. For the uninitiated, Moose is a C-17 callsign, and the Herk's own the Crome callsign:

Tower: Crome XX, please give pirep.

Crome XX: standby tower.

Crome lands, and taxis clear

Tower: Crome XX, sttiiiiiiilllllllllllll waaaaaiiiiiiiittttiiinnnngggg...

Tower: Crome XX, What was vis on final?

Crome XX: 8000meters

Tower: No Crome XX, I don't think so, you must have x-ray vision to see that far...

Crome XX: 4000meters

Tower: Much better Crome XX, taxi to park.

Tower: Moose XX, did you call clear of the runway?

Moose XX: We are clear of the runway.

Tower: I know you are clear Moose, did you call clear of the runway?

Moose XX: ...... yeah, sure.

5mins later

Crome XX: Tower, Crome XX is clear of Runway 30R on Golf.

Tower: Thank you Crome XX. Some pilots would not think it is important to report clear of the runway, but you remembered to report clear of the runway.

Crome XX: We are hear for you, sir.

First 1000' of runway is notam'd unusable for landing

Moose XX: Tower, Why can't we use the first 1000?

Tower: I don't know moose. C-130's say it is fine for them, but C-17's say they cannot use it.

After reading these, they may not be that funny. I am afraid living out here has numbed my sense of humor. I have desert goggles AND desert humor!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! Only 70 more days until I come home. Unless I Q3 or get and Article 15..... hmmmmmm. Abilene seems like such a far away paradise!

Dehydrated and Tired,

RW

[busdriver]

We're flying between the runways at a desert location practicing. We're flying our patterns at ~50ft agl. On downwind we're passing a 130 on approach, I don't remember how close we were, but it was apparently closer than comfy for the 130 landing. I hear "Dude, not cool! Tower, we almost just hit a helo." Tower responds "that helo wasn't anywhere near you." 130: "we'll talk about it later." Good on the 130 AC for not yammering on tower freq. On the other hand, well I guess the 130 types aren't used to the separation we helo types are used to. In all honesty, he probably didn't see us at all until he said that, and it startled him. Still, my whole crew had a good laugh.

[Rifleman96]

Desert Shennanigan's Ensue

Interphone FE: Anybody want anything from the cooler

Copilot: I'll take a sandwhich, a grape juice, a delicious cookie, and a hug

Ali Center: Sooo a sandwhich and a juice?

Mysteriously heard over Ali Center: Claton Bigsby

The following controllers are Local Mideast controllers(so add the mideast accent to their lines), If you recognize the callsigns then you know where this is. For the uninitiated, Moose is a C-17 callsign, and the Herk's own the Crome callsign:

Tower: Crome XX, please give pirep.

Crome XX: standby tower.

Crome lands, and taxis clear

Tower: Crome XX, sttiiiiiiilllllllllllll waaaaaiiiiiiiittttiiinnnngggg...

Tower: Crome XX, What was vis on final?

Crome XX: 8000meters

Tower: No Crome XX, I don't think so, you must have x-ray vision to see that far...

Crome XX: 4000meters

Tower: Much better Crome XX, taxi to park.

Tower: Moose XX, did you call clear of the runway?

Moose XX: We are clear of the runway.

Tower: I know you are clear Moose, did you call clear of the runway?

Moose XX: ...... yeah, sure.

5mins later

Crome XX: Tower, Crome XX is clear of Runway 30R on Golf.

Tower: Thank you Crome XX. Some pilots would not think it is important to report clear of the runway, but you remembered to report clear of the runway.

Crome XX: We are hear for you, sir.

First 1000' of runway is notam'd unusable for landing

Moose XX: Tower, Why can't we use the first 1000?

Tower: I don't know moose. C-130's say it is fine for them, but C-17's say they cannot use it.

After reading these, they may not be that funny. I am afraid living out here has numbed my sense of humor. I have desert goggles AND desert humor!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! Only 70 more days until I come home. Unless I Q3 or get and Article 15..... hmmmmmm. Abilene seems like such a far away paradise!

Dehydrated and Tired,

RW

That tower controller was my favorite. I heard he has been working the tower since before Gulf War I. His antics always lightened things up a bit. And the Q3 isn't a sure thing of a plane ticket home either. Not that I know from experience or anything.

Edited August 6, 2008 by Rifleman96

[PirateAF]

The tower guy is hilarious...a buddy of mine started turning on his formation lights while taxiing there and the controller thought it was the neatest things ever. We landed and he asked us "Moose XX, why don't you have your pretty green lights on?" (Granted green is the color of Islam). Anyway, from then on, whenever we were on the ground we'd have our form lights on.

Keep trucking Wombat!! I think it's funny.

[Guest Boom]

Hearing Moose's and Reach's not calling point Pinax is a pretty funny daily occurrence and the controller wrath that ensues.

[Guest Technique only]

That guy is actually the chief up there. If you get ever get the chance to tour the tower, try to do it when he is working. He has some pretty crazy stories including when he was a POW.

[zrooster99]

Hearing Moose's and Reach's not calling point Pinax is a pretty funny daily occurrence and the controller wrath that ensues.

BTDT: "RRRReach (rolled R) why you not call Pinax 10 min prior...always call pinax 10 min prior...tell your friends, call pinax 10 min prior"

We had our revenge...we called and he responded...then at pinax he chews us out again for not calling piror to pinax so we say: "check your tapes" ...silence, then he says "Reach, I'm sorry, you are right" apparently he checked his tapes...

[Guest Boom]

That guy is actually the chief up there. If you get ever get the chance to tour the tower, try to do it when he is working. He has some pretty crazy stories including when he was a POW.

Dushanbe?

[GBock]

Same desert location:

Tower: "Reach ###, say conditions on departure"

Guard copilot gives AC blank stare

AC: "Man, it's pretty shitty"

CP to tower: "Reach ###, pretty shitty"

Tower: "Say again?"

AC: "Did you just say shitty on the radio?"

CP to tower: "Reach ###, pretty shitty"

AC to tower: "Switching departure"

[Toro]

Just got this emailed to me. 10% rule probably still applies, but still good

---------------

In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute "heads up" that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the emergency frequency 121.5 Mhz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this ...

Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself."

Aircraft: "This a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."

Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!"

Aircraft: "This is a United States fighter. Send 'em up!"

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

[POKESC17]

Just got this emailed to me. 10% rule probably still applies, but still good

---------------

In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute "heads up" that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the emergency frequency 121.5 Mhz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this ...

Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself."

Aircraft: "This a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."

Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!"

Aircraft: "This is a United States fighter. Send 'em up!"

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

heard several transmissions like this while deployed. It's always good for a laugh