The Mall Ninja

[Guest Darbytee]

Hey guys, I've been lurking here for a little while and finally found something worthy of posting. I found a link to this on another forum and it was just too good not to share. It was really hard to pick out a favorite line, but I think mine was, "BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual." Enjoy...

Mall Ninja

[Guest bullseyekp]

For those of us who were once part of the firearms forums (The Firing Line, GlockTalk, etc.) this is a classic. From the wall climing boots to catching rounds with his body while his partner assembles an 18" bbl .300 Win Mag NEF rifle, it's all fantastic entertainment. If you want to take the time (I don't cause I read it all 7 years ago) to look up the original GlockTalk thread, it's amazing. IIRC, the responses are almost as entertaining as the original poster.

Back to my Sierra Nevada 2007 Harvest Fresh Hop Ale and President Bush telling the U.S. that the IRS accepts checks and money orders for voluntary "tax payments".

Cheers!

[Toro]

Fakes outed everywhere.

Personally, if I want to read about ninjas, I go straight to the source.

[Guest Bender]

Nice...f_cking...link..Toro.

How did you find that little gem; Just wow.

I'll think twice before I click on the next link you post...then probably do it anyways.

BENDY

[Guest MizzNav]

"But it is not my martial arts skills that make me so vital to the security of the mall, it is my tactical and strategic skills honed by years of intens on-site on the job training"

"My “Black-Ops” history ensures that you will never know about the missions I accepted in my younger days, and Vietnam still shudders when it hears the name of a an assasin so skillful and deadly, he is remembered decades later"

"Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor"

"As I said, my orders go far and while my reasons for protecting this mall remain a matter of national security"

" the small of napalm in the evening breeze, as I crouch behind a shopping cart in the parking lot"

These all look like great sigs, which one should I put on mine? These people probably lie in the sweetest trailer you ever saw out in the middle of appalachia. Too bad there was no real pwnage like some previous imposter types.

I will say, I used to be a bouncer at a club here in Columbia MO and there were a few employees that kinda acted like that, but they always got fired pretty fast.

[Steve Davies]

Nice...f_cking...link..Toro.

How did you find that little gem; Just wow.

I'll think twice before I click on the next link you post...then probably do it anyways.

BENDY

Agreed. I almost cried with laughter reading his hate mail. Brilliant site.

And for the record Bendy, I am not lazy!

[GrndPndr]

Fakes outed everywhere.

Personally, if I want to read about ninjas, I go straight to the source.

"Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants."

Priceless (maybe even timeless).

[Steve Davies]

Priceless (maybe even timeless).

I thought that this particular bit of hate mail was the best (added emphasis mine):

...ninjas don't flip out. they dont play guitars. they dont use crap like lasers. you have no idea what a pirate is... how the hell can you publish this sort of shit? ninjas CANT FLY. they CANT USE MAGIC. they dont kill whoever they want...their targets were NOT pirates

[Ferg]

Personally, if I want to read about ninjas, I go straight to the source.

The Hate Mail is the best page.

I just visited you f***ed up little piece of s**t ninja site, and you don't know Jack Sh** about them do you? First off, how f***in old are you, you little SOB, and how the F**K long have you studied NINJAS? If you honestly believe in what you put on your site you should just do the world a f**kin favor and bend over, put your d!ck in your mouth and bite it the f**k off so that everyone knows the planet won't be tainted by someone else genetically related to a dumb f**k like you....NINJAS DON'T FLIP OUT YOU F**KIN RETARD!!!....But please get your f**kin bullshit site off the f**kin net or COMPLETELY reF**KINGdo-it.

EDIT: Steve beat me to it (sts)

[Karl Hungus]

Fakes outed everywhere.

Personally, if I want to read about ninjas, I go straight to the source.

Legendary site on the world wide net. For some reason the Big Pimpin MIDI won't work though.... hope he didn't get rid of it.

[Guest Bender]

Oh, no..the MIDI is still there and it's truely something to behold. All, I believe, 6 notes of it.

..and no chit Steve, don't go getting all defensive on me!

BENDY

[Vandal]

I have had this for a while and it needs to make appearance here.

This is a satirical piece about all those who think they are uber-tactical badasses for packing heat to help defend the world.

So there I was....what really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight

As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands", that away nobody can see what I'm packing.

I had my Centinial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry.

Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was reading for anything.

I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nefarious looking girlscout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incomming rounds and to make look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunantly, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my weaner. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. Thats when I noticed the girlscout shouting somthing to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then duckwalked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I just threw myself into telephone pole, but I landed on right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the womans SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the girlscout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT tactical truck. I jumped into the driver seat forgeting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though, half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to tase me. At which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell window but I still had my Centenial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunantly I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background, I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I layed it down, I still had my bayonet after all, attached to my ass. The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunantly my Oakly shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passanger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch, unfortunantly the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to had now. I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw here merely carried a Glock 17, not a mans gun. So I immediatly threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle, I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him.

Apparantly the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side steped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew I was unconcious. That'll teach 'em.

[hd5032]

So I immediatly threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light.

I love that part.

[Guest Sparky]

Anyone see the news where gun fire errupted in a crowded mall? Sure could have used the mall ninja there....

[Guest regularjoe]

Hey guys, I've been lurking here for a little while and finally found something worthy of posting. I found a link to this on another forum and it was just too good not to share. It was really hard to pick out a favorite line, but I think mine was, "BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual." Enjoy...

Mall Ninja

Seriously man you need to post some sort of disclaimer warning before putting stuff like this up.

I almost had an Aneurysm because I was laughing so hard, not to mention spilling beer on the keyboard.

[Guest AlphaSigOU]

Seriously man you need to post some sort of disclaimer warning before putting stuff like this up.

I almost had an Aneurysm because I was laughing so hard, not to mention spilling beer on the keyboard.

Snarfing beer through your nose ain't much better! Laughing my ass off...

Jeez... these guys are living the ultimate jackoff fantasy, even though they've been found out!

Edited February 11, 2008 by AlphaSigOU

[PaddyPilot]

There's a new contender for the title of MALL NINJA!!

EVEN A THIRD CONTENDER!!

I also found this message board with a member calling himself gecko45, but I don't think it's the same guy, he doesn't have the same smooth cat-like style and immaculate vocabulary that our virginity guarding friend has.

Edited August 24, 2008 by PaddyPilot

[brabus]

I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage now.

Hahaha, I think that has to be the best part.

[wings]

Fakes outed everywhere.

Personally, if I want to read about ninjas, I go straight to the source.

This was priceless laughed my ass off!

But if you want to commit Seppuku and you’re like me, you don’t have access to stuff like lasers. But there’s hope. I tried to kill myself by swallowing a frisbee a couple of times—and believe me, it’s pretty cool. The only catch is you have to be really super pissed to do it.

Step 1 Get a frisbee from the store or friend.

Step 2 Clean the Frisbee.

Step 3 Make sure your parents aren’t around

Step 4 Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.

Step 5 Get really super pissed.

Step 6 Fold the Frisbee hard (this is crucial)

Step 7 Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth hard.

Step 8 Push hard until you can’t see it.

Step 9 Wait.

Step 10 Die.

[PaddyPilot]

I walked through the neighborhood and I saw the illegal immigrants sitting on the stoop watching me with a keen eye. I suspect that they were intimidated by my presence (I am 6'1" and 325 lbs) with a 50 inch waist. I dont understand Spanish but they must have been talking about me.

As a side note, what does Gordo mean?

A 50 inch waist? I didn't think that was physically possible.

[Guest soflguy]

A 50 inch waist? I didn't think that was physically possible.

Of course.. but you have to be one of those "Black-ops" types. That's how you know someone was a deadly assassin in Vietnam... they have rock solid 50 inch waists...

[PaddyPilot]

And what an assassin he was, Vietnam will always shudder when the name of such a deadly and skillful assassin is spoken.

[B*D*A]

My favorite line:

"A local Food City supermarket was designated Sector Alpha-Niner, the Jiffy Lube was Bravo-Lima-Fiver, the local $1 movie theater was Golf-16 and finally, the most coveted assignment, the local mall or Zebra-1."

WTF phonetic alphabet is that haha, Zebra, fiver?

[M2]

A 50 inch waist? I didn't think that was physically possible.

You've obviously never been to San Antonio...here's how life progresses for my people down here...

Cheers! M2

[budderbar]

Mall Ninjas arrested!

CLIFTON — Two "modern day Ninjas" calling themselves Shinobi Warriors on a quest to rid the area of drug users and drug dealers have been put out of business by police.

Haahahah! at least it was for a good cuase.