Help with a Divorce

[Learjetter]

USFPA is an abomination, and should be repealed immediately. My spouse agrees.

[Cornholio5]

My lawyer was a Lt Col in the Army JAG. She knew about these women who latch on to military guys and sap them dry. She also knew all the ins and outs of military divorces--best decision I made, next to divorcing my ex.

[Unknown_Rider]

Thread Resurrection:  BLUF I'm starting UPT in a few weeks.  SO's alcoholism is starting to take its toll, and I'm considering serving papers.  Obviously it can/will be very difficult to have significant life distractions while chasing the dream.  As I see it, I have a few options in no particular order:

1.  Let the marriage, such that it is, ride another year till I'm complete and reap whatever will come of the added stress and distraction (plus pay out more of my retirement if I get there).

2.  Fess up to my commander, end up on admin hold till this is done (it will get real messy, could take a long time)

3.  Use the weeks I have left to work the touchy-feely shit to get the marriage back on track and worry about having to serve papers at some point before the graduation if we don't get there.

What do I do to guarantee UPT success?

Edited March 21 by Unknown_Rider

[Runr6730]

As someone who went through UPT with a marriage on the rocks, my advice to you is this.  If you are convinced that this is a marriage that’s not going to work, it’s not worth the stress you’ll endure trying to keep your marriage afloat. 12-14 hour days plus home study isn’t conducive to building or fixing relationships and is difficult for even the strongest of marriages. 

That being said, if you think there’s something to be saved then by all means make your marriage the priority, fess up about your situation to your CC, get the marital help you need, THEN worry about UPT.  UPT is only the start of your new career. Your marriage is your life. 

[Guardian]

The AF is there to help you and vice versa. And they are suppose to be a some what family. If you get so far through and then tank because of family issues sometimes things like that at UPT are beyond repair and you will likely trash your marriage and chasing your dream of being a pilot. If you take care of the personal life first on admin hold the AF is likely to get a better more focused product that they would rather have instead of you washing out and going to intel or missileers or something.

Tell the cc.

[Hacker]

Definitely go to your Commander and let them help you before going much further.

[Fud]

20 hours ago, Unknown_Rider said:

Thread Resurrection:  BLUF I'm starting UPT in a few weeks as a prior rated with several years in.  SO's alcoholism is starting to take its toll, and I'm considering serving papers.  Obviously it can/will be very difficult to have significant life distractions while chasing the dream.  As I see it, I have a few options in no particular order:

1.  Let the marriage, such that it is, ride another year till I'm complete and reap whatever will come of the added stress and distraction (plus pay out more of my retirement if I get there).

2.  Fess up to my commander, end up on admin hold till this is done (it will get real messy, could take a long time)

3.  Use the weeks I have left to work the touchy-feely shit to get the marriage back on track and worry about having to serve papers at some point before the graduation if we don't get there.

What do I do to guarantee UPT success?

I'm sorry for the situation you're going through.  While I'm off Active Duty now, I have some advice as well.  I'm at the tail end of divorcing an alcoholic and it has been brutal.  Our marriage problems started two months after we tied the knot when she cheated on me, with a former groomsman, while I was away TDY.  I forgave her and we had three sons together, even though the cheating continued.  Even though the divorce is emotionally tough and financially draining, I'm honestly happier than I've ever been. 

My advice:

1.  Always think about the children's best interests (if you have kids), and never make it about you or your ex or your problems.  Never badmouth the other parent to your kids, because they will figure it out in the long run.

2. Push for 50/50 custody (legal and physical) of your kids if you can.  Kids raised with equal time are far less likely to have substance abuse problems in the future.  I'd be happier if my kids were primarily with me, but I'm very fortunate, as a man to have my kids week on week off. 

3. Realize that money and stuff is just money and stuff.  I gave the ex everything on the list she wanted, but I am fighting tooth and nail to prevent alimony.  What I mean here is that you will likely blow through all of your assets and be in debt at the end of the divorce.  Even worse if you have to pay alimony and child support.

4.  This really should be number one.  If you are thinking about divorce, I guarantee that she is already twelve steps ahead of you.  Document everything and have witnesses who will testify to your character as a parent and a spouse.  See if your STBX is willing to move out and go to rehab.  I told my ex that if she didn't go to AA, then I was leaving her.  Her parents could also be one of your biggest allies if you play your cards right.  This is a slam dunk for custody. 

5. Start listening to every podcast (dadsdivorce, etc.) or videos on youtube.  You also need to understand how the law works in the state you're in. 

6. Hire a private investigator if needed.  The thousands of dollars I spent equated to cinematic gold that will be shown in the courtroom (I live in an at fault state). 

I could put about 1000 things on this list, but you can PM me for any more advice.  Best of luck to you. 

[disgruntledemployee]

You will be much better off with a solid resolution before UPT. Maybe help, therapy, intervention, and the such can get you there.  You probably know the outcome in your heart regardless of what advice you get.

UPT is hard. My class had a lot of older folks. Those with good marriages did well, even the guys with kids. A few that had rocky personal relationships struggled; one almost failed out, one dropped out.  The spouses do a lot to help with success.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution

[Fud]

1 hour ago, disgruntledemployee said:

...You probably know the outcome in your heart regardless of what advice you get.

Huge 2 on this.  Best of luck. 

[matmacwc]

Not to scare ya but I have seen these types (of what we know) relationships tube students at UPT, IFF, RTU and even WIC.  You are right, get a resolution before you start.

[Guardian]

Agreed. And bitches be crazy. So be careful. Words of advice after a giant amount of money spent to deal with crazy.

[Champ Kind]

Agree with everything said above.  My best friend went through this when he started pilot training about a year behind me.  He washed out in phase 3 and was divorced shortly afterward.  Whether you decide to work at the marriage with counseling, or decide to divorce, my advice to you would be to go to your commander NOW, air out your dirty laundry (he/she's going to find out eventually anyway), and try to get your class rolled several months.  That will give you time to work it out (whatever path you choose) before you are dealing with the rigors of UPT.  

 

[Unknown_Rider]

Thank you everyone for your words of advice and support.  I’ll take this to my commander and get it resolved before starting training in earnest.

[YoungnDumb]

Thread revival.

Wife dropped a bombshell  on me recently that she wants a divorce.  Just looking for some advice/what to do next.  Some context on us, been married 3 years, no kids, I've been in the military for almost 6 years now, currently about to PCS for B-Course.  Any help is appreciated.

[gearhog]

sorry, brother. 

[Vertigo]

17 minutes ago, YoungnDumb said:

Thread revival.

Wife dropped a bombshell  on me recently that she wants a divorce.  Just looking for some advice/what to do next.  Some context on us, been married 3 years, no kids, I've been in the military for almost 6 years now, currently about to PCS for B-Course.  Any help is appreciated.

Talk. Talk with friends, counselors, mentors, whomever... just don't let depression get ahold of you. If you have guns in the house, ask a friend to hold them for you for awhile. The stress of going through the break up will cause you to not sleep very well and could affect your appetite. Those two things can mess with your head and put you in a dark place you wouldn't ordinarily go to. 

Don't jump into a new relationship right away. You will need time to grieve and heal. 

As much as I despise them, go through a lawyer. They'll think of things to cover in the divorce agreement you'd never think of covering.... all of it to CYA. She's not entitled to any of your retirement (must be married a minimum of 10 years during your service) so don't let her go down that road. Everything else should be split 50/50- assets AND debts.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Vertigo
Spelling

[Trogdor]

1 hour ago, Vertigo said:

Talk. Talk with friends, counselors, mentors, whomever... just don't let depression get ahold of you. If you have guns in the house, ask a friend to hold them for you for awhile. The stress of going through the break up will cause you to not sleep very well and could affect your appetite. Those two things can mess with your head and put you in a dark place you wouldn't ordinarily go to. 

Don't jump into a new relationship right away. You will need time to grieve and heal. 

As much as I despise them, go through a lawyer. They'll think of things to cover in the divorce agreement you'd never think of covering.... all of it to CYA. She's not entitled to any of your retirement (must be married a minimum of 10 years during your service) so don't let her go down that road. Everything else should be split 50/50- assets AND debts.

Two on consulting with the lawyer and everything else Vertigo said... no kids should hopefully make it an easier process.  You should know that different states can have different rules on what is considered marital property.  Some states, the only stuff that gets divided are debt/assets you accrued while married (you keep what you brought into the marriage).  Some states, it doesn't matter, everything is common property/debt once you are married.  Standards on alimony payment varies with states, length of marriage, her job before the military marriage and her job now, did you pay any of her debt, living standard increase on her part (or yours), etc.  

Also, a lawyer can help with the peculiar nuances of being married in one state and getting divorced in another.  Although, if you two can do this amicably, some states will do a no contest divorce.  Basically, it is pretty cheap with no lawyers.  You show up to the judge and anything in your possession/name on the day of the divorce is now yours.  If she/you want to fight about anything... then that wont be an option. 

Additionally, knowing the state laws will keep your expectations (and hers if she/you choose to fight something) within the realm of reality.  So, after initial consultation with a lawyer you could go down the path of a no contest divorce and save some money in lawyer fees/court costs (which is how mine went down).  

Talk to your commanders, get their advice on your class dates.  Last thing you want in B-Course is constant syllabus dev's due to dealing with this situation...across state lines.  I would recommend getting this closer to a resolution or way ahead before starting formal training.  

I say all this in the implication that the marriage is in fact over. 

Every situation is different, it sucks, time does heal the wounds, immediately seek help from friends/family if you see any self-destructive tendencies in your actions, and I wish you well.  

[Trogdor]

One more thing, go to your local AFRC.  They used to have counselors that would do a certain amount of sessions for situations like this free of cost that was completely anonymous, nothing recorded, and nothing pushed to the med group.  I cant imagine that program has gone away.   The one they had at my base was someone from a local city that would do this part time.  So, she wasn't military and she had seen it all.  After hearing my story she help immensely with my thought process, my ex's thought process, and also talked about avenues to fix the marriage (if that is possible).  You could do it as a couple or by yourself.  Thought it could be something you could look into. 

[Smokin]

Do not go to the B-course yet.  You want to be through and done with this stuff before that starts.  Most B-courses are hard enough for guys who are happily married, let alone someone going through something like this.  Talk to your flight commander.  He'll talk to the SQ/CC and he should be able to roll your class back.  Last thing you want to do is to try to tackle two of the more difficult things you will likely ever do in life at the same time if you can avoid it.

[ATIS]

16 hours ago, Vertigo said:

Talk. Talk with friends, counselors, mentors, whomever... just don't let depression get ahold of you. If you have guns in the house, ask a friend to hold them for you for awhile. The stress of going through the break up will cause you to not sleep very well and could affect your appetite. Those two things can mess with your head and put you in a dark place you wouldn't ordinarily go to. 

Don't jump into a new relationship right away. You will need time to grieve and heal. 

As much as I despise them, go through a lawyer. They'll think of things to cover in the divorce agreement you'd never think of covering.... all of it to CYA. She's not entitled to any of your retirement (must be married a minimum of 10 years during your service) so don't let her go down that road. Everything else should be split 50/50- assets AND debts.

SHACK SHACK SHACK

Try to make it a clean break if possible.  20 years ago I was in the same situation but at the 5 year mark (no kids is a good situation).  Similar MO: out of the blue, no idea it was coming (low SA on my part). 

Start working out.  Running, swimming/whatever...get into a routine and keep your mind/body engaged.  Sleep if vital. 

Talk to your leadership and inform them of what's going on.  If they blow you off as a slacker when asking for guidance/help...they just peaked on the douche-meter.

Realize there is a "business" and a "personal" side to divorce.  Try not to let the two cross.  Be self-aware of which part of the brain/heart has to be engaged.  Try to compartmentalize but realize you need to be clear and focused on the business side...and embrace the stages of divorce (Denial/Anger/Bargaining/Depression/Acceptance) on the personal side. 

Years from now, and you may think I am making this up...you will know yourself a lot better.  Divorce sucks, but you will learn from it. 

You are now on a rollercoaster.  Be able to stop, breath, step outside yourself and look at the situation. Realizing you are going through this process helps you deal with the process.  

All the best in your situation.

ATIS

[ClearedHot]

On 7/24/2012 at 1:01 PM, Stitch said:

 

When I was outprocessing for retirement I heard of a story about some bitch who was in the process of divorcing military husband number three and working on hijacking his retirement! WTF? Something is seriously wrong with the system. You can't tell me this chick just had a string of bad luck with military guys; this bitch knew what she was doing and was fvcking these guys for her own gain IMO.

 

NOTE: I know sometimes things just don't work out for lots of reasons which results in divorce and the ex-spouse is awarded a percentage of the military members retirement, but this bitch was in a leauge all her own.

I flew with a dude who separated at 19 years so his wife wouldn't get half of his retirement.  He joined the reserves and was still flying there last I heard. 

Best of luck.

[Vertigo]

1 hour ago, ClearedHot said:

I flew with a dude who separated at 19 years so his wife wouldn't get half of his retirement.  He joined the reserves and was still flying there last I heard. 

Best of luck.

She'd still be entitled to his reserve retirement when he hits 60.

[ClearedHot]

50 minutes ago, Vertigo said:

She'd still be entitled to his reserve retirement when he hits 60.

He was a flight engineer and was 38 at the time, his idea was to delay as long as possible, "She is a smoker and I will out last that bitch"...Savage.

[matmacwc]

1 hour ago, Vertigo said:

She'd still be entitled to his reserve retirement when he hits 60.

Have it worded in the divorce something along the lines of "if ever entitled to an "active duty" retirement she will get a percentage, its tough to notice or know the meaning of it if not a really good lawyer, she won't get nothing.  I've seen it, it works, but its dirty.  Kinda like BQZip's mom.  The guy I knew got 7250 points right before he retired, checked vMPF daily his last year of being an ART just to make sure he didn't go over 7300.

[RASH]

He was a flight engineer and was 38 at the time, his idea was to delay as long as possible, "She is a smoker and I will out last that bitch"...Savage.

That could be any one of about 50 engineers I flew with...