Divorce

[Sua Sponte]

Before he was jerking off in front of chicks, he had a great skit on divorce.

 

[Springer]

With your new airline career ahead, you will soon put this all behind you.  My first day at a major was just as exciting as my first day at UPT.  Like someone said, don't get involved, enjoy single life.  I div before going to the airlines and unless you are flying boxes, it is a very target rich environment.  Stayed single for 28 years then married a wonderful lady going into retirement.  The day of my div was one of the happiest days of my life, a huge weight off my shoulders.  Best of luck.

[war007afa]

It sucks, brother. Been there. Solid advice from the bros above. I had help from a good number of great dudes (many here on this forum). 

Stay healthy. Relax your mind. Avoid assigning blame or wasting time trying to make her act rationally (you can’t want it more than the other person). People change and there’s nothing you can do about it. Be yourself and keep the job in the crosscheck. And most importantly: be the best dad you can possibly be.

Mine turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I moved on to a much different relationship and didn’t know what I’d been missing. Any time you need help with anything, don’t be afraid to reach out. You aren’t the only person to ever go through it. 

Good luck. 

[SocialD]

Hate to hear this brother.  Been there, thankfully mine was super easy as we didn't have anything together (no kids), and she actually had a pretty level head and didn't want anything.  Annulments are very cheap.   

All I can say is enjoy the single life...it's been/continues to be a great run for this guy. It seems like chicks can actually smell the divorce on you and they come out of the woodwork.  

Also from here on out, a pre-nup will be mandatory for this guy.   I'm buying all my assets and toys now, and they come with the package.  If she don't like it (toys or pre-nup), there are plenty more fish in the sea.  I may be slightly jaded, but I'm living life the way I want and on my terms from here on out.  Life's to short.    

Great advice above.  Good luck brosef!  

[brickhistory]

Damn, I am sorry to read this.   As so many have testified in this thread, you aren't the first to have it happen, but it still hurts intensely personally.

So, mostly my advice echoes what's been offered:

1. Lawyer

2. Freeze assets

3. If you can stand the loss, cut your material losses and let her have it.  Eventually, you will get new stuff and she'll have the by now old stuff that breaks and is utterly not your problem.

4. Lawyer for any communication if at all possible.  Even if this is "amicable," using a lawyer can help prevent another last minute surprise as like what set this sad thing in motion.

5.  If you can afford it, and this sounds like the absolute worse time for it - starting airline pay, temp Guard time, etc., offer big on child support in return for reduced or no spousal support.  She can get a job as her newly acquired license shows.  And if she does become successful, there's nothing that prevents you from seeking spousal support in a community property state.  'Sacrificing' now for and with the kids will eventually end and you are shed of her and any further commitments to, for, and around her.  Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, you'll be free at last.

6.  If possible, I might disagree with the staying in the house stand.  Too much opportunity for her to say you lost your temper and she needs more compensation.  If you aren't there, and you both are gonna have to sell the house anyway (1/2 the sales cost is on her, btw), it doesn't really matter.  And keeps you in the use a lawyer for any communication mode.

That 1/2 of all bills/expenses from her execution day forward should be split in a community property state (Ask me how I know...).  That's a fact that she may not be expecting; some substantial debt starting now vs. the pay-off she might've expected.

That's leverage for you - "I'll take X amount of debt now in return for no/smaller percentage of spousal support."  Again, some pain and money out of pocket now and a cauterizing of the financial/emotional wound fairly soon.

[ViperStud]

11 hours ago, war007afa said:

Mine turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I moved on to a much different relationship and didn’t know what I’d been missing.

Truer words have never been spoken. It’s amazing the crap we’ll put up with when we think we are doing it for the right reasons. 

It’ll be painful in the short-term, but if you learn from it and really think about what’s important for you in the future, you will end up far happier than you ever thought possible. 

[Bigred]

I don’t know your particular situation, but I’ll second/third the staying in the house if you can.

Especially in Florida, if you move out she can try to use that against you wrt child custody, etc, as she can phrase it as ‘he left the family’. I had a few bros get divorced in Florida and they moved out and their hindsite was they should’ve stayed there as long as they could.

 

Edited March 8, 2019 by Bigred

[Duck]

Yeah I’m staying in the house till the final minute. I take the kids to school and workout/run errands, whatever until it’s time to pick them up. I will never be left alone with her. All guns relocated to my dads safe.

Last night she went out till midnight, drove home, stumbled in drunk, woke up me and my oldest daughter, and crashed in my oldest daughters room (she moved in up there about 2 months ago, my daughter moved into our room and sleeps on the king bed with me). She woke up this morning throwing up around 0600 and begged me to make lunches, take them to school etc. Looks like she got up just in time to get out the door for her 1100 interview with a real estate broker. Fantastic.


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[Day Man]

16 minutes ago, Duck said:

Yeah I’m staying in the house till the final minute. I take the kids to school and workout/run errands, whatever until it’s time to pick them up. I will never be left alone with her. All guns relocated to my dads safe.

Last night she went out till midnight, drove home, stumbled in drunk, woke up me and my oldest daughter, and crashed in my oldest daughters room (she moved in up there about 2 months ago, my daughter moved into our room and sleeps on the king bed with me). She woke up this morning throwing up around 0600 and begged me to make lunches, take them to school etc. Looks like she got up just in time to get out the door for her 1100 interview with a real estate broker. Fantastic.


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sounds like you dodged a bullet...good luck dude

[HossHarris]

3 hours ago, Duck said:

Yeah I’m staying in the house till the final minute. I take the kids to school and workout/run errands, whatever until it’s time to pick them up. I will never be left alone with her. All guns relocated to my dads safe.

Last night she went out till midnight, drove home, stumbled in drunk, woke up me and my oldest daughter, and crashed in my oldest daughters room (she moved in up there about 2 months ago, my daughter moved into our room and sleeps on the king bed with me). She woke up this morning throwing up around 0600 and begged me to make lunches, take them to school etc. Looks like she got up just in time to get out the door for her 1100 interview with a real estate broker. Fantastic.


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Take detailed notes. 

[tk1313]

Yep, FL is 50/50 regardless from 3 bros I knew who got a divorce there. It was well worth it to them... They're much happier now. As for kids, they didn't have them, but I was the child of divorced parents and we recognize REAL QUICK who the bad parent is. I still can't get my "good parent" to say a negative thing about my "bad parent", but ask any of my siblings who they prefer and they'll laugh because it's a joke... we're all 18+ and holiday visits to the "bad parent" are minimal at best. Looks like your oldest daughter already knows... Just don't EVER let them see you show negative emotions towards her... Your wife seems like she's doing a great job ruining everything for herself so far, but (and this might sound counter-intuitive) be the adult and help her out... the kids will pick up on that as well.

Sucks to hear, man. But I doubt very seriously that she's not going to be in full regret mode once all is said and done. Here's to wife #2 wherever she may be! 

[fire4effect]

I had a good friend in Florida who went through this with his BS Crazy ex a couple years ago. She pulled the victim card and he was taking out the trash one day when 4 deputies showed up and after they patted him down they took all his guns. Fortunately they didn't haul him in and a few months later he got all of them back minus the ammo they took when the system figured out she was off her rocker. She still took him for ton of cash😖 Sounds like your guns are taken care of however. If you do have a concealed carry permit in Florida be careful. An accusation can get it suspended and just because you are found to have not done anything wrong it doesn't automatically get reinstated. Buddy found that out not all that long ago when he saw it was expiring and went to renew it and found out he didn't really have it anymore. All his moving meant he never got any notice. Good Luck

[FDNYOldGuy]

Sorry to hear about the struggles, Duck. 

As a kid of divorce, I might be one of the weirdos that thinks it was a great thing. Not seeing my parents fight in front of me, not learning how relationships work from watching 2 dysfunctional people who didn't really like each other try to coexist, and actually forming 1 on 1 relationships with them was huge and well worth not having the two of them under 1 roof. As a couple others have stated, don't let the fog between you and her creep in between you and your kids. It seems like your daughter already knows the deal by moving out of her room and choosing to be closer to you; just keep being an awesome dad and don't bring them into the fight. They'll know the deal.

Secondly, just from what you've said about some actions, it sounds like the relationship hasn't been a partnership for awhile. As many others brought up, this could be the start of your new life and your ability to find someone who is truly your partner in life and compliments who you are now.

Take care of yourself, keep being a great dad, and don't hit the booze too hard. It'll get better. 

[Skitzo]

In this day and age on Baseops I’m really surprised no one has brought up MGTOW or Men Going Their Own Way. YouTube it.

If I could go back in time I would have told my younger self to listen to Tom Leykis in the mid 2000s.

Here’s a more recent offering

Best of luck bro.


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[Gazmo]

Yeah I’m staying in the house till the final minute. I take the kids to school and workout/run errands, whatever until it’s time to pick them up. I will never be left alone with her. All guns relocated to my dads safe.  

Last night she went out till midnight, drove home, stumbled in drunk, woke up me and my oldest daughter, and crashed in my oldest daughters room (she moved in up there about 2 months ago, my daughter moved into our room and sleeps on the king bed with me). She woke up this morning throwing up around 0600 and begged me to make lunches, take them to school etc. Looks like she got up just in time to get out the door for her 1100 interview with a real estate broker. Fantastic.

 

 

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Damn... sorry about the shit show.

 

Another thing I thought of. If she pulls the, I'm not going to work and live off alimony/child support while her newfound fling supports her ass, have the court impute income on her. Especially if she has a real estate license.

 

 

 

[YoungnDumb]

Went thru this last year, no kids thankfully.

Lots of people have mentioned it already but stop drinking, I didn't adhere to this and said/did some pretty stupid things, thankfully none have come back to haunt me (yet).  Get yourself around some good bros and as much as you may want to shit talk her with them, I don't recommend it, too many people are intertwined between you and her and you can burn more bridges than build that way.  Military One Source was a great resource, they hooked me up with a counselor and 10 free visits, and I'll be honest, talking to the counselor and getting my emotions out there and not elsewhere was probably the best move I made. I've had mixed results with the Family Advocate or whatever they're called on base, but all the people I've talked to off base have been amazing.

As far as money and assets, I went to the ex and had her write down a list of everything she wanted as far as furniture, plates, linens, personal stuff, pictures, etc and what she thought was fair.  This turned out to be very helpful as what she wanted was actually less than I was willing to give her so I made out decently.  Now we did do some minor negotiating over alimony, but again, in the end I walked away paying less than I was prepared to because I let her make the first move (never show your cards if you can help it).

Being civil is going to be the hardest part of all of this.  You'll want to scream and lose control, but don't do it.  Bite your tongue so hard it bleeds if you have to, but do not give her ammo to take more than she already is.  It'll hurt now, but in a year you'll be proud of how you acted.

As far as kids go, I grew up in a divorced family.  Saw my parents fight, got used as a pawn once or twice.  In the end that's not what I remember.  I remember the good times with my dad (he passed a few years ago) and how he was always there for me at concerts, sporting events, graduations, you name it.  Every chance you can make your kids feel loved, don't spoil them, be the parent they need in their lives and they'll turn out okay.

You need anything, we're all here to help.

[Duck]

Thanks for all the advice. I have really leaned on a lot of these posts going forward. I have to say that the way I was blindsided by this I didn’t have too much time to assess how I felt. After taking the time, I realize that I’m mostly bummed for my kids but I was getting pretty tired of her $hit. I realized that I was doing my best to hold this together while she was busy trying to blame me for her failures as a mom, a friend and a wife.

I made a promise to my 10 year old daughter a couple months ago when things started getting weird around the house that I was never going to file for divorce against her mom. I’m really glad I did that because once she found out about the divorce she knew immediately that I had given 100% to try and keep the family together, even to my own detriment. My wife’s paranoia that my 10 year old is plotting against her has completely turned the 10 year old against her. While I was drilling out of state, my wife took away my daughters phone, disconnected the house phone and refused to answer my calls to talk to the kids. She basically destroyed any chance she had of having a good relationship with our oldest and the two little ones aren’t too far behind. I try to just stay neutral. I don’t think it’s my job to cover for her bull$hit anymore, so while I don’t encourage the ill feelings towards their mom, I also don’t think it’s my job to fix her problems for her.

Ultimately, I’m actually excited to get a fresh start. My lawyer is pushing for a 50/50 split with the kids which would be easy for me as an airline guy. Now that she has a job, she can’t claim 0 income so that will hopefully help me when alimony and child support is calculated. To be honest she was such a big leech on our finances I feel like I am even going to make it out better financially with the CS/alimony payments. I would be willing to bet, she will end up being broke though within 2 years. Thanks to her draining all our financial assets over the past 4 years with her frivolous spending we are both going to be leaving with pretty close to nothing. I really owe her though for going crazy/stupid now on Training Pay and not waiting till the real cash starting flowing in. Thank God that she is 100% emotion driven and not a logical/strategic thinker.

Now to figure out this whole Tinder thing I guess? Kidding.


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[YoungnDumb]

Duck, one other thing I forgot to mention earlier is I also got out of a significant amount of alimony by offering to pay off some of her debts.  It did hurt me a bit financially at the time, but in the long run it paid off as it gave me more bargaining room for other things.  Just an idea for ways to get more time with the kids or to pay less alimony.

[Duck]

Duck, one other thing I forgot to mention earlier is I also got out of a significant amount of alimony by offering to pay off some of her debts.  It did hurt me a bit financially at the time, but in the long run it paid off as it gave me more bargaining room for other things.  Just an idea for ways to get more time with the kids or to pay less alimony.

That is actually a great idea. We owe my dad (promissory note) around $56k so maybe me taking that on would help with some of the other crap.


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[ATIS]

On 3/6/2019 at 6:00 PM, LJDRVR said:

Sorry to hear that, Brother.

Wrap your brain around the concept that she will get half of everything you ever earned while you were together. If you're able to come out better, then it's all gravy.

Do everything you can to remain civil and professional with her. Never let your kids hear you say anything bad about her. Ever. Not once. As strange as this sounds, moving forward your relationship with her, and it's failure are none of their business. No matter how badly she may behave, she's their Mom. If you can sit down at the kitchen table with her and put it all on a legal pad, you'll save yourself a lot of angst and attorney fees. If you can "give in" to certain things she wants in order to facilitate a quick agreement in return for certain things you want, it's worth every penny. People will give you advice like:

"Roll in on that cunt and fight her tooth and nail!"

Ask those people to compare what they think they "won" in court financially to what it cost to litigate it. It isn't worth it.

Moving forward, your relationship with her is going to be jointly parenting your kids. That relationship will be healthier for the kids if the two of you can agree to act like adults ad settle as amicably and quickly as possible.

Now;

You.

You're a pro. Compartmentalize like a MF and work your way through indoc and IOE. When you get a chance, take some time for yourself. Nonrev to Hawaii and put it all out of your mind for a few days. Exercise is your friend - the more the better. At some point in all of this process, you'll have come far enough and gotten past the anger enough to look at what happened a little more objectively. When that happens, the single most important thing you can do is forgive her and yourself for what happened. Let it fucking go.

You're also about to re-learn who your real friends are. Lean on those folks. Bigtime.

Don't medicate with booze or food.

That's it. The day you have to tell your children is the worst day of your life. Everyday after that will be just a little bit better.

Good luck, chum. Those of us who've been through this are rooting for you. Hell, you can at least call yourself a real airline pilot now!

What LJDRVR said x 1000.  All of those points served me well, and was the very advice handed down back in the 90's when my shit show happend.

It's a roller coaster.  There is a business side and a personal side to this...keep that in mind and try to keep seperate.  It's hard, but in the end it will work out.

The comments above about a blessing in disguise...couldn't agree more.  

Keep your head up, you are not alone.  

ATIS

 

Edited March 11, 2019 by ATIS
added comment

[Lord Ratner]

I'll add something a bit different here. The above advice is solid, especially not drinking. Remember that everyone you deal with other than your wife and kids has seen this a million times. When a judge/lawyer/mediator asks what you want, it's just a test. You're getting half. If that's what you ask for, they know which party is acting in good faith.

 

"I want my children to have a great relationship with both of their parents going forward, and to split the assets we accumulated while married right down the middle."

 

Don't date for now. You have kids, I didn't. But they won't understand I'm guessing, and it sounds like the soon-to-be-ex will tell them if she finds out. You're going to get so much ass it'll make your head spin, so be patient.

 

Write down everything that was wrong in your relationship. You determine the detail, but it should include what she would do that you didn't like, why you didn't like it, and how it made you feel. For bonus points, also write down the things that she didn't like about you.

 

Trust me on this. When you meet that flight attendant that turns your stomach into butterflies, if it ain't written down, you won't remember it. Make sure the woman you decide to make into your kids' second mom isn't a recycled script. Do not trust this to your memory alone. The smaller brain is always an optimist.

 

Think about how many people you know. Then think about how many of them are good friends. Then think about how many of those are best friends. The friend you can go on a month long backpacking trip with and not get annoyed with or tired of once. Pretty rare, huh? Now add sexual compatibility to that. If you find your forever-mate after 3 months and a few tinder dates, you'd better be buying lottery tickets too...

 

 

[FUSEPLUG]

6 hours ago, Lord Ratner said:

Think about how many people you know. Then think about how many of them are good friends. Then think about how many of those are best friends. The friend you can go on a month long backpacking trip with and not get annoyed with or tired of once.

Great... now I suddenly hate my wife. Thanks, asshole! 

[ThreeHoler]

Great... now I suddenly hate my wife. Thanks, asshole! 

I hate you wife too!


#rimshot (sorry Duck)

[Duck]

Quick question guys. She has been pretty agreeable on working through splitting the assets. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I have video of her and her boyfriend having sex in vehicle in a public parking lot in broad daylight but I digress.

She wants to stay in the home which is under my VA home loan. I am fine giving it to her, but with her chosen career there is no way that she is going to be able to keep up with the payments. I also want to free up my VA loan so that I can have a place to settle down.

Any advice? I know that if she keeps the home and assumes the VA Loan (she’s not a vet) that I am still responsible if she defaults, which she most likely will. We don’t have a heck of a lot of equity although I did put 10% down on it about a year and a half ago. Not sure what it would cost for her to refinance into an ARM or conventional.

Any ideas?


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[di1630]

Quick question guys. She has been pretty agreeable on working through splitting the assets. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I have video of her and her boyfriend having sex in vehicle in a public parking lot in broad daylight but I digress.

She wants to stay in the home which is under my VA home loan. I am fine giving it to her, but with her chosen career there is no way that she is going to be able to keep up with the payments. I also want to free up my VA loan so that I can have a place to settle down.

Any advice? I know that if she keeps the home and assumes the VA Loan (she’s not a vet) that I am still responsible if she defaults, which she most likely will. We don’t have a heck of a lot of equity although I did put 10% down on it about a year and a half ago. Not sure what it would cost for her to refinance into an ARM or conventional.

Any ideas?


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Spin it to let her keep some equity in return to help fund the refinance.

Do not stay financially tied to that chick at any cost.

Get the f-ck away from anything that ties her spending to something that affects you or gives her leverage.


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