Divorce

[matmacwc]

I second Mr. Di, seen that many times as well, just her way of keeping some sort of ties to a good time in her past, or her rescuer.  Dudes I know have stayed in the divorce court system for 10+ years, cut ties other than the kids!

[Lord Ratner]

If she wants the house, she can get a mortgage for it on her own. Agree with the others, do not allow any part of your new finances to touch.

Don't worry about the kids, they're like cats. Two hours in a new house and they think they own the place.

[viper154]

Agree with above comments. Make her get own mortgage. If she fights it offer to let her keep the equity to help with a new down payment. Shows you are willing to work with her and you can use that to leverage against spousal/child support or to get another asset you want. Sucks because you are going to loose money short term but it’s hell of a lot better than paying a mortgage for a house for her to live in when she can’t make payments. The only thing you ever want to have to talk her about after this is over is the kids. 

[Bergman]

7 hours ago, Duck said:

Quick question guys. She has been pretty agreeable on working through splitting the assets. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I have video of her and her boyfriend having sex in vehicle in a public parking lot in broad daylight but I digress.

She wants to stay in the home which is under my VA home loan. I am fine giving it to her, but with her chosen career there is no way that she is going to be able to keep up with the payments. I also want to free up my VA loan so that I can have a place to settle down.

Any advice? I know that if she keeps the home and assumes the VA Loan (she’s not a vet) that I am still responsible if she defaults, which she most likely will. We don’t have a heck of a lot of equity although I did put 10% down on it about a year and a half ago. Not sure what it would cost for her to refinance into an ARM or conventional.

Any ideas?


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As has been said already, but I’m saying it again for emphasis, do NOT under ANY circumstance keep a mortgage or any other financial asset with her.  The horror stories I’ve heard would water your eyes.

I let my Ex stay in our house in lieu of alimony for over a year and even that was a mild disaster.  The condition of the house wasn’t good when I finally got it back and some utilities had gone unpaid (that were in my name).   The one thing I wish I had done differently is to have sold the house.  I let her stay, and then moved myself back in, with the thought that it would provide stability for my kids but that hasn’t really been the case.  They’re doing better with it now but the first 6 months of my being back in there were rough.  Should have sold it and started fresh.

also, steer clear of any language in the decree about who pays for college.  It’s a whole can of worms that you want nothing to do with.  They’ll be 18 by then anyway so figure it out later and don’t have it in writing.

[Duck]

Thanks guys. That’s in line with what I was thinking. Sucks to be her.


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[Lord Ratner]

Keep positive, keep sober, and keep notes.

And remember, there's an all-you-can-eat international buffet of strange and wonderful "adventures" out there awaiting you, and the company pays for the hotel room. Patience.

[matmacwc]

And then we want pictures.

[war007afa]

13 hours ago, Duck said:

She wants to stay in the home which is under my VA home loan. I am fine giving it to her, but with her chosen career there is no way that she is going to be able to keep up with the payments. I also want to free up my VA loan so that I can have a place to settle down.


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Have your lawyer draft the agreement for her taking sole possession of the home and refinancing under sole ownership in a set amount of time in the decree. Did this with my ex and made it nice and clean and protects you in court should she fail to do so or pay. 

[Duck]

Have your lawyer draft the agreement for her taking sole possession of the home and refinancing under sole ownership in a set amount of time in the decree. Did this with my ex and made it nice and clean and protects you in court should she fail to do so or pay. 

Perfect, so it doesn’t necessarily have to be done before the divorce is finalized. I think she would be able to get a loan, but I’d be willing to guess at a higher Interest Rate and bigger payment that would probably freak her out. I’m trying to just keep her calm and rational at least until we get paperwork signed.


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[BashiChuni]

14 hours ago, Duck said:

I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I have video of her and her boyfriend having sex in vehicle in a public parking lot in broad daylight but I digress.



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that's a Q1E in the ISR world well done sir! expert POL with some pretty darn good zoom/focus/visual ID.

[waveshaper]

Here's a couple things to check that may give you some legal leverage on the property (your house splitting negotiations/Florida AO); Check your Florida - County Property Appraiser website and see "owner information (Grantee/Deed info)". If you are listed as the sole owner - you have a chance/if the house is listed in both your names - you're toast. Same goes for who's name is on the mortgage/loan documents and did all the funds used to purchase the house come from your personal account or a joint account. FYI, For folks just getting married (newlyweds/particularly military members) - a good realtor "hopefully" will give the purchaser (GI) of a new house a wink wink nod nod on this subject and steer you in the right direction. I got divorced in Florida (Okaloosa County), I had a great realtor (friend) that provided this savvy advice when I purchased our house, and when the smoke cleared I got 100% ownership of the home and the X didn't get a penny (note; no kids were involved).

[Eli]

Duck,

I already mentioned I am in the middle of a nasty divorce.  Here is one more piece to look at that I did not see mentioned - Taxes. 

I have not lived at the house all last year because she refused to let me come home (I voluntarily left because she felt that was needed to "work on our marriage," I tried to come back after a while).  I did not fight her on this to protect the kids. 

Well she dose not work - actually she went back to school for a second degree (she has one and is fluent in Spanish) and she is claiming food stamps. I don't know how this is possible. 

So I go to file my taxes today turns out she has claimed all the kids as dependents and I paid for everything last year. 

So when you get the Temporary court order also out line taxes.  I went from a refund to a debt owed.  Not all is lost because the IRS will work with you and understand these situations (so their website says). Now I have another time waster to add to my to do list. 

 

 

 

Edited March 19, 2019 by Eli

[Duck]

Duck,

I already mentioned I am in the middle of a nasty divorce.  Here is one more piece to look at that I did not see mentioned - Taxes. 

I have not lived at the house all last year because she refused to let me come home (I voluntarily left because she felt that was needed to "work on our marriage," I tried to come back after a while).  I did not fight her on this to protect the kids. 

Well she dose not work - actually she went back to school for a second degree (she has one and is fluent in Spanish) and she is claiming food stamps. I don't know how this is possible. 

So I go to file my taxes today turns out she has claimed all the kids as dependents and I paid for everything last year. 

So when you get the Temporary court order also out line taxes.  I went from a refund to a debt owed.  Not all is lost because the IRS will work with you and understand these situations (so their website says). Now I have another time waster to add to my to do list. 

 

 

 

There has to be some crazy ex bitch playbook that they all use. My wife said the exact same thing about needing some space to work on the marriage. Fortunately in my case I had already been told not to move out of the house because of abandonment.

 

Great advice on who claims the children as dependents. I will talk to my lawyer about that today. Thank you guys again for all the advice keep it Comin. y’all have helped me get through it.

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[AirGuardianC141747]

That is Painful Duck, so sorry to hear about this and may your pain be brief as possible. Based upon others I have flown with:

1. Push as fast and hard to get it done and over. Get your life back straight and level.

2. House is a normal loss/buy out. Lucky no retirement to lose at this juncture.

3. I know it’s hard, but consider yourself lucky timing wise as you are at the beginning of an airline gig = lowest pay!!! 

Imagine being a 12-15 year 76, etc Airline Captain pulling in an avg $360K annually or more. Super unfortunate, but you may have dodged a significant financial bullet now vs later....

My friend has remained an FO for 2 years now to keep the courts from using Capt pay to calculate alimony. XWife to be has been pushing him out his apartment door to fly overtime AND also pushing him to sign up for Capt, hence she is dragging the divorce out... He lives in FL.

Stay strong for your kids AND stay strong for you!

Godspeed!

[Yoda]

Hey Duck,

Wish things were better, but they are the way they are.  I've not been divorced myself but I have had at least 20 of my peers, subordinates, and superiors in my Army time. Here are my insights added to what has been posted and I hope that are helpful:

1) Do not date until after your divorce is finalized.  Especially if you are subject to UCMJ (which it doesn't appear is the case for you now?) as it is still adultery, even if legally separated, until divorce is final. Even outside the UCMJ you do not want the other party to muddy the process with "evidence" as well. You probably already know this, but there have been some fairly senior folks that were blindsided by this. I had a spouse who was encouraging girls to make passes at her soon to be divorced husband so she could "win" at the divorce.

2) The divorce process will corrupt even the nicest people sometimes. There are people who will see her behavior and see her honestly as the victim due to having the toughest job in world. In their eyes, her actions are just a symptom of the duress the military life put on her. They will coach her to do irrational things. Another spouse was coached to claim physical threat and even violence to get restraining order for "points" in the divorce proceedings. When they found out that path would lead to a Lautenberg amendment discharge, no retirement to get 50%, and a much reduced income to siphon off of when the Soldier exited the Army, they complete recanted. Be prepared for insanity to ensue due to coaching to lawyers, friends, and others and protect yourself from whatever accusals may come your way.

3) Watch what you say, write, text, email, post, snapchat, instagram, facebook, myspace, charge to your card, etc... It is all subject to discovery and usable as leverage.  If you don't want the whole world to see it, including your children, do not do it.

4) Hopefully you have a lawyer and they understand your wishes. Some lawyers are really good at "winning" and burying the spouse.  Just make sure you see eye to eye on the outcomes you want.  As others have said, if you need to change lawyers midstream - do it.  The wrong lawyer can be more wrong than no lawyer.  No lawyer is pretty bad.

5) As others have said -- find positive activities and people to surround yourself with. With one caveat, if you do need to vent about the process -- suggest doing that with someone that has some sort of client/patient privilege and is obliged not to share information with other parties. 

Hope for a smooth path and tailwinds for you -- your posts have been very helpful in my move to the Air Force.

 

[AirGuardianC141747]

Definitely, but our airline gig is not so savvy in this area as all the others. No trip trades or give aways unfortunately. Burn vacation, get sick or fly the trips awarded. Or just go somewhere else. Doh...

[fire4effect]

Since Florida has been the scene of much buffoonery in this thread and I try to post actually useful information once in a while I'll add it here. Recently a young married couple I know well down in Florida ran into this issue a few weeks ago. Young husband goes out for milk one evening and cop pulls him over. I think cop had automatic license plate reader and that was the reason. Car had Florida registration and husband and wife were both listed on vehicle. More importantly both on the same auto insurance policy. Cop tells husband that wife's license has been suspended because DMV doesn't have her listed on policy. Fortunately she was at home and not driving at the time.  They had moved about 3 months earlier so no notice was received from the DMV. Long story short is if you your name is on a Florida registered vehicle you must have Florida insurance and not an out of state carrier. DMV website is very specific about that. Fortunately there's a  place on the state DMV website https://services.flhsmv.gov/DLCheck/  where you can check the status of your Florida license with you DL number. If you do in fact have Florida insurance it's relatively simple on the same website to find your Florida carrier in a drop down menu and submit an update and reinstate the license. At least in this case it was relatively simple after some online searching. Fortunately in this case no penalty was assessed as those start at $150 and go up for other infractions.  

[WheelsUp]

Florida is a terrible place for any man to get divorced. If you ever have to deal with child support good luck. 

50/50 is going to difficult unless she is very agreeable to your airline schedule and you live in the same school district. Make sure you get joint legal so it makes it harder to take off with the kids. Don’t pay for her house, she can go to the bank and get her own mortgage. 

 

Doesnt sound like she makes too much so that might hurt you in child support. I pay $1000 for 1 and I know she’s just sitting back and waiting for me to hit my 1 year with the Airlines to recalculate, probably has the paychart as her iPhone home screen. 

As for visitation, there’s something called airline pilot possession order, I’ve read through it once and it was helpful but never had to use it. Better for you if your close location stays close to your kid, 

[Herkman]

Pay chart as her iPhone home screen 🤣

 

[Herkman]

 

When the pilot is away.....

Where all the decent looking women at they aren’t money hungry and can keep their pants on for a solid week at a time? 

[WheelsUp]

11 minutes ago, Herkman said:

 

When the pilot is away.....

Where all the decent looking women at they aren’t money hungry and can keep their pants on for a solid week at a time? 

Unicorns...

[WheelsUp]

Duck, have you looked into a divorce where she is at fault instead of a no fault divorce? Meaning she was the one who broke the marriage. I’m not sure how Florida is, but you usually fare better when you can prove fault, and if you have videos then you have it 

[17D_guy]

12 hours ago, Herkman said:

 

When the pilot is away.....

Where all the decent looking women at they aren’t money hungry and can keep their pants on for a solid week at a time? 

Church

[matmacwc]

14 hours ago, 17D_guy said:

Church

‘‘Tis true.

[Fud]

I've read some interesting advice on here and will provide the following.  

1. Realize the need to always be reasonable, but do not be a doormat to her demands.  Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint, and you should never give away something without gaining something in return.  

2. Always ask for what is reasonable in court.  The party who is unreasonable will not get everything they want. 

3. Your ex sounds like an alcoholic and someone who would rather be out with her boyfriend than taking care of the children. Have your lawyer use this to your advantage.

4. Manage your lawyer, they work for you.  Not the other way around.  

5. Set precedent, if able, to only receive communications via email or a service like myfamilywizard.  BTW, MFW is free for Vets and Active duty, but costs the non-Veteran. 

6. VA Compensation is not divisable in divorce. It is not an asset or considered income in child support or alimony calculations. 

7. Finally, for now, remember that everything you agree to in the beginning, can/will likely be permanent in the future.  Do not budge on custody if you want 50/50.  

Best of luck.