Flying is fun (the lighter side)

[Guest rin tin tin]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff

queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground! Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last

known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a

hard

right turn a! t the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not

able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the

lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing

because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,

behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance

time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on

frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern

702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,

we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short

of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,

turned around, and taxied back past ! the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a

real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours

and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways

747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main! taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I

didn't land"

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right

onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I

know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but

get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew,! she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to

sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and

I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I

tell you!

You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance

engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind Tension in

every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

_____

[Guest KoolKat]

This stuff was great! If anyone has more, I'd enjoy reading it...I wonder you can be bigger jerks, controllers or the pilots? Yeah, ok, probably us!

[Guest Piperpilot2004]

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff

queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground! Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

about that^^^ what if u said that!! HAHA what would happen to you, anything? Yeah guys if anyone has more of these post them, there really funny!!

[Gravedigger]

Search jokes thread 1 jokes thread 2

[Guest KoolKat]

Awesome...Thanks.

[Guest lovelacm]

Apparently Piper missed the 3rd joke down the list.

And needs to check the grammatical difference between the usage of there, their, and they're. - Sorry... pet peeve of mine. That and the whole 's thing..

OK.. I'll stop razzing you.. Have a instead!

Cheers!

Linda

[Guest Duck Dodgers]

I heard a funny once flying out of Istanbul International (that's in Turkey, Piperpilot). It hit me that maybe they've got the heirarchy between aircrew and controllers figured-out a little better than we do in the states.

Center (in hardly discernable English): "Turkish 123, I have revised route of flight, advise ready to copy."

Turkish 123 (in deep, Schwartzenegger voice) "Not now. I'm eating."

There was no reply.

[Guest Pogo]

Too much fun?

https://www.ntsb.gov/ntsb/brief.asp?ev_id=2...212X18632&key=1

[Flare]

Mile High Club when you're the pilot and there's no autopilot......not the best of ideas!

[Gravedigger]

Mile High Club when you're the pilot and there's no autopilot......not the best of ideas!

All you have to do is keep the stick straight and stay in control. STS.

[Guest dumaisj]

"THE PILOT IN COMMAND'S IMPROPER INFLIGHT DECISION TO DIVERT HER ATTENTION TO OTHER ACTIVITIES NOT RELATED TO THE CONDUCT OF THE FLIGHT."

Wow, that's PC if I've ever seen it.