Chuck Norris Tactics, Techniques and Procedures

[Toro]

You've probably seen the original 'Chuck Norris' list - well here are some new ones straight from the source document for all you Tactics guys.

Excerpt from CNTTP 3-69 (Chuck Norris Tactics, Techniques and Procedures)

(UNCLASS)

1) Chuck Norris executes a banzai gameplan regardless of awareness and AMR. Short-skate tactics are for the weak.

2) Chuck Norris is always in the “advantageous element.”

3) Chuck’s commit criteria is JFS Start. Mr. Norris doesn’t need avionics or a weapons system to be lethal.

4) Chuck Norris once had a wingman call a KIO for a PTO shaft failure. Chuck said he was “rejoining chase” and subsequently gunned the guy for being “worthless and weak”.

5) If Chuck Norris is conscious he’s inside your turn circle.

6) Chuck Norris does not jink. Under any circumstance. Period.

7) Chuck Norris once had a wingman go blind. Once.

8) Chuck once decapitated a SEFE for telling him he was in his 4th Month for a Mission Check.

9) If you’re an “W-Prefix” don’t let Chuck Norris get wind of it. If he does, QC your last will and testament

10) Chuck Norris doesn’t do SEAD. The word suppress is not in his vocabulary.

11) If Chuck Norris is airborne, ACM is one-role by his mere presence. There is no 2 vs 3-role argument.

12) If you fly with Chuck Norris, do yourself a favor and don’t brief a shot doctrine. As a matter of fact, don’t brief any contracts, except killing. On second thought, don’t brief that either. It’s assumed.

13) Chuck Norris’ right eye has 4 times the acuity of a Sniper Pod.

14) Need an EA plan? Try having Chuck Norris hum the 2nd verse of Metallica’s “Enter Sandman.”

15) Threat criteria . . . . . . not with Chuck!

16) Don’t use the term “Ten Chucks” during the adversary coord brief when Mr. Norris is around. He just doesn’t like it. Shortening AA-10D to “ducks” is fine.

17) Chuck Norris guides all LGBs with a standard Life Support issue fingerlight. It’s still unclear how he does it but he uses continuous lase as a general rule.

18) Chuck Norris refuses to do any GP delivery except a 90 degree DB, thus completely negating the need for CWDS. This attack should normally be flown as a direct pop.

20) JMEM weaponeering does not apply to anything employed by Chuck Norris. His normal SSPD is 1.4 regardless of target composition.

22) The F-pole of a Chuck Norris employed AMRAAM may vary by up to 6nm based on Chuck’s mood. Just something to consider when you “build your numbers.”

23) Chuck Norris was once told to “retrograde” by OCA escort when he was a striker. Chuck killed the entire blue OCA escort 4-ship, then banzai’d into 6 red-air groups inside FR. Since this took a few minutes, AWACs subsequently asked if he needed a TOT extension. Chuck kamikaze rammed the E-3 and proclaimed “Chuck Norris on guard, picture clean.”

24) Chuck Norris maintains the Link-16 network using an abacus, a 30-minute hourglass, and 8 two-way CB radios. That’s all you need to know.

25) Chuck Norris will be supersonic south of the Mormon Mesa whenever he wants.

26) Chuck Norris only operates under Type 3 CAS as Type 1 and 2 imply some reliance on someone else. Tomahawk FAC-As use caution.

27) Chuck Norris is the GLIB I.

28) Chuck Norris does not float, action, loft, crank, WEZ deny, take second shots, abort, or notch. I think you know why.

29) Chuck’s ownship position is always bullseye.

30) As a general ROT, Chuck Norris is able to VID at TR + 5, thus completely negating the need for a PID matrix.

31) Chuck’s MESL:

32) Chuck Norris dug Groom Lake by hand at the conclusion of the Vietnam War.

33) Chuck Norris’ controlled ejection altitude is -6 feet AGL.

34) Chuck Norris has never in his life been denied GPS acquisition.

35) Chuck Norris has never left anything to the RTO.

36) Ronnie did not leave the Tomahawks for a better “job opportunity.” He was killed by Chuck when he entered the wrong takeoff time into PEX for a Chuck Norris 4-ship.

37) Chuck Norris noise abatement procedures: 2 strafe passes with 20mm on anyone golfing on Shadow Creek’s 7th hole.

[Guest Hydro130]

OUTSTANDING!...

A 'must' for the wall of any respectable W&T shop...

Hydro

[Guest sleepy]

Do I need to bring back my old signature?

"If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris."

[Guest Hydro130]

37)b.)

Local Command Post records:

"Sir, did the noise-offending aircraft have a Red Star on the tail?"

"No..."

"Sir, did you see Chuck Norris situated anywhere upon or within the aerospace vehicle?"

"Why, yes, yes I did!...."

"Well then, YOU'RE WELCOME!, and have a nice day... God Bless America!"

Oldie but goodie

Cheers, Hydro

[ 03. April 2006, 14:13: Message edited by: Hydro130 ]

[GreasySideUp]

Chuck Norris is military aviation. Anyone who doubts that has their account locked, and then they are flogged by Chuck Norris for their insulence. After one month they can return only after Chuck Norris spits on their public apology.

[El Duderino]

Here is a Chuck Norris fact that is definately Air Force related:

From Airman Magazine Feb 2001

Chuck Norris named 'Veteran of the Year'

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. (AFPN) -- Chuck Norris is an international action star best known for his roles in movies like "Delta Force" and "Missing in Action" and the "Walker, Texas Ranger" television series.

But few people know he's an Air Force veteran who served with security forces in South Korea in the early 1960s. Or that he started studying the martial arts while there.

Fewer people know of his philanthropic work with children and military veterans. He's the spokesperson for the Department of Veterans Affairs. And in 1990, he established the "Kick Drugs out of America" Foundation.

Because of his work, the Veterans Foundation Inc. chose him "Veteran of the Year" for 2001. A national selection committee representing the entertainment industry, the military and corporate America chooses the honoree.

Gen. John W. Handy, Air Force vice chief of staff, presented Norris the award at the American Veteran awards show in Beverly Hills, Calif.

The taped show will air on The History Channel, Feb. 11. The show is designed to commemorate America's past, present and future military members, raise awareness and encourage public support for the 26.4 million veterans and present service members.

------

Now back to the moderation debate and any random facts about his Chuckness.

-Dude

[ 04. April 2006, 00:07: Message edited by: El Duderino ]

[Guest Rainman A-10]

A few facts you might not know about Mr. Norris and A-10 CAS:

Chuck Norris only does Air to ground Maverick Boresights on SA-20 sites.

Chuck always uses Fuel Flows override and briefs the Engine Hot Lights are an indicator of Max Thrust.

Mr. Norris does not use Risk Estimate Distances because “Frag tastes Good”

Chuck uses Chuckmax and Chuckmin for artillery deconfliction.

Chuck may eject during a CSAR over the survivor to expedite the recovery.

Chuck Norris does not need an AO update and he will strafe the JTAC’s position if told to read back ANYTHING.

The Chuck Norris fighter check-in is as follows: “Chuck Norris checking in, I’m cleared hot.”

The only initials Chuck Norris needs are his own. He IS the ground commander.

Chuck Norris once ejected from a perfectly good jet just so he could punch the SA-8 operator in the face for not following his T.O.

Chuck does not use WP rockets, he eats white phosphorus for breakfast.

Chuck typically marks targets with kamikaze predators he controls with his IPOD.

Chuck burned down the entire city of Indian Springs when a predator shot a hellfire through his block

Chuck was given a run in restriction….once

Chuck dropped a MOAB off station 6 on the CAOC for using “CAS” and “Bomber” in the same sentence.

Chuck can mensurate coordinates with the #2 needle and canopy references but only uses it to pass the location of wingmen that miss a check in.

[AFCS_Actuator]

Chuck Norris is real, Jack Bauer is not!

I thought the Chuck Norris doesn't jink line was the best too! :beer"

[sky_king]

Originally posted by BeerMan:

If Chuck Norris was an internet message board administrator...

... the term firewall would take on a whole new meaning.

[163 FS]

Thread revival!

There have got to more mil aviation Chuck Norris jokes out there...or just regular ones for that matter.

--Chuck Norris can do a wheelie...on a unicycle.

--Chuck Norris doesn't wear condoms...nothing can protect you from Chuck Norris.

--Chuck Norris' altimeter is always set to 00.00"...Mr. Norris is never under pressure.

--Chuck Norris doesn't get vectored to final, final gets vectored to Chuck Norris.

--Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman lives.

--Chuck Norris once got in a sperm fight with a sperm whale...the whale drowned.

Keep em comin'

[Guest thegotoguy]

Chuck Norris once had sex in the cabin of a tractor trailer and left some "residue" behind. We now know this 18-wheeler as OPTIMUS PRIME.

[StoleIt]

I though Chuck Norris jokes were out of style? Regardless:

Chuck Norris doesn't request clearances, he states intentions.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to land on runway 37.

Hijackers squawk 7400 when Chuck Norris is on board

If you ever lose sight of Chuck Norris, check your six o'clock.

When Chuck Norris taxies onto the runway, incoming traffic is told to hold short

Chuck Norris never "loses" altitude, he simply gets rid of it when he no longer has any use for it.

Chuck Norris has never landed with a crosswind. The wind would never dare get cross with Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris flies, the altimeter setting is 00.00. Chuck Norris is never under pressure.

When the BASH condition is Red, planes don't fly. When the BASH condition is Norris, birds don't fly.

Chuck Norris has never had a midair collision, He has shot down anyplane that has gotten within 10 miles

When told to break at the numbers, Chuck Norris politely reminded the controller that Chuck Norris cannot be broken and proceeded with the straight in.

Right of Way rules do not apply when Chuck Norris is flying. If you are flying toward Chuck Norris, you are wrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't shoot approaches...he kills them.

Chuck Norris is never off of glideslope, the glideslope is off of Chuck Norris

Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier with his Bell X-1. Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with his fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't manage operational risk...he seeks it.

An ejection seat is not safe until Chuck Norris gets out of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't need crew rest...he never sleeps.

Chuck Norris was once denied a clearance...once.

Minimum Safe Altitudes do not apply when Chuck Norris is airborne,if you are in the air when Chuck Norris is flying you are never safe.

Chuck Norris is never given the instructions "when able" . Chuck Norris is never unable to do anything.

Favorable winds are always in the same direction as Chuck Norris' flightpath.

Chuck Norris has never had to adapt his eyes to the dark. His infrared vision is working perfectly fine.

T-45 Anti Icing Capabilities: Pitot Heat, 5th Stage Bleed Air, Chuck Norris.

A permanent TFR surrounds Chuck Norris...no one is safe.

Chuck Norris cannot be tracked on radar, if he appears, it is too late; you are already dead.

A good flight for Chuck Norris is a bad flight for you.

Leading cause of disorientation for pilots: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once moved a stationary front.

Chuck Norris is the only person to graduate SERE School via correspondence.

Chuck Norris isn't holding, he is circling above his victims.

The weather outlook for the area around Chuck Norris : 100% Chance of Pain.

[Guest regularjoe]

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

And the best for last.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

[ACCBoomer]

Thread revival, guess Google has read this topic /\/\/\

1.) Go to Google.

2.) Type in "Find Chuck Norris" and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky"

Totally Safe for Work!

[Perch]

Thread revival, guess Google has read this topic /\/\/\

1.) Go to Google.

2.) Type in "Find Chuck Norris" and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky"

Totally Safe for Work!

Dude, that's golden!

[Bergman]

2! That google search is some funny shit.

[Champ Kind]

Chuck Norris was once told to "IDENT"... The reply was a fist through the radar scope.

[ClearedHot]

Happy #70 Chuck...That's right, Chuck Norris is 70 freaking years old and could still kick your arse.

Chuck Norris Turns 70 -- And He Could Still Break You

[Stitch]

Thread revival, guess Google has read this topic /\/\/\

1.) Go to Google.

2.) Type in "Find Chuck Norris" and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky"

Totally Safe for Work!

3,

Freaking awesome!

[Krypto]

I'm sure there's many others, but this was our class patch from pilot training

[ClearedHot]

[PK...]

Dude... you just made my day!

---

PK...

[Toro]

Suck it, Van Damme!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-D1KVIuvjA#t=10