UCTJ (Uniform Code Of TDY Justice)

[Eeyore]

THE UNIFORM CODE OF TDY JUSTICE

Article 1. Under no circumstances may 2 men share a room.

Article 2. Anyone who is retarded enough to forget their COIN waives their rights for support from fellow TDYERS. (your ass is on your own)

Article 3. Any man who brings a camera TDY may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow TDYERS.

Article 4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

Article 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Article 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULL$HIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

Article 7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister or supervisor is off-limits forever.

Article 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

Article 9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

Article 10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

Article 11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your TDY Location. (Buddy System or Taking one for the Team)

Article 12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

Article 13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

Article 14. If a woman’s zipper or blouse is open its your duty to share with others.

Article 15. The universal compensation for buddies who have your back is beer.

Article 16. When stumbling upon two buddies picking up the same girl, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never substitute yourself into the game (Qock Blocking is a penalty see rule 3 for punishment).

Article 17. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Article 18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Article 19. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Article 20. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good a$$-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

Article 21 Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:

"Yeah, baby, push it!"

"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"

"Another set and we can hit the showers."

"Nice a$$, are you a Sagittarius?"

Article 22. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Article 23. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

Article 24. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

Article 25. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

Article 26. What goes TDY stays TDY. Any direct violation will be handled by the guidance in AF Handout 22-102 dated 1 November 1999. WALL TO WALL COUNSELING.

VIOLATIONS TO THE UCTJ WILL DIRECTLY IMPACT THE LIFESTYLE YOU LIVE FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE TDY. IMPACTS COULD RANGE FROM PUBLIC HUMILIATION TO ADMONISHMENT FROM GROUP ACTIVITIES. THE HARDSHIPS COULD RANGE FROM BAD REPUTATION TO FINANCIAL. (CONTRIBUTING PER DIEM TO THE IM SORRY, BEGGING FORGIVENESS FUND).

[Guest thebronze]

If I'm not mistaken, this is properly referred to as

"The TDY Code of Conduct"...

[Techsan]

I think I've read most of those in a Maxim a while ago...still hilarious nonetheless.

[VL-16]

Here here!!!

Nice post...that gave me a good laugh.