Aviation jokes

[Guest Wxpunk]

We've got to quit recycling the same jokes.

New rule proposal: Before posting a joke, search forum for "humor" and "jokes." Also, if it's on atcmonitor.com, we've already heard it.

:D All in favor say aye, "AYE!" :D

----------------

Wxpunk

[flynhigh]

AYE! Oh wait, that was directed at me?

[Guest Aces-High]

I hadn't heard those yet!

[ 27. September 2004, 22:45: Message edited by: Aces-High ]

[El Duderino]

It's a long list but I think it is pretty damn funny. This last one is especially true.

Why airplanes are better than women:

• You can predict an airplane.

• If you respect an airplane it will be good to you.

• Airplanes don't have PMS to battle.

• Airplane skin doesn't wrinkle as badly.

• An airplane won't criticize your performance.

• Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

• An airplane doesn't care where you were last night.

• Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.

• Airplanes don't cost as much money.

• Airplanes don't get pregnant.

• Airplanes are faster than most women.

• Airplanes don't take forever to warm up.

• Airplanes don't spend hours in front of a mirror.

• Airplanes like to do it inverted.

• Airplanes won't keep you waiting.

• Airplanes won't insist you shower before entering it.

• Airplanes don't cry when you break up with them.

• Airplanes don't talk back.

• Airplanes don't get headaches.

• Airplanes don't take half of everything.

• Airplanes never stand you up.

• It's easier to get "trim" in an airplane.

• Airplanes go down ... women just bring you down.

• An airplane is cheaper to maintain.

• You can't get diseases from an airplane.

• Airplanes don't care if you fart.

• Airplanes have better struts.

• An airplane doesn't care who yanks it's stick.

• You can keep an airplane from stalling.

• Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

• You can approach an airplane from the REAR.

• You can proudly show your airplane inside and out.

• An airplane won't slap you for being a "bush pilot".

• An airplane doesn't ask you to put on a raincoat before entry.

• You can easily leave an airplane before sunrise.

• Airplane exhaust fumes smell better.

• Airplanes lose weight faster.

• You don't always have to "hand prop" an airplane.

• Airplanes don't care if you fall asleep while in them.

• Airplanes don't care if you enter thru the back door.

• An airplane does not get mad if you "touch and go".

• An airplane will not get mad if you ride someone else's airplane.

• An airplane's cockpit is cleaner.

• At least a DC-10 sucks!

• You can calculate the peak performance of an airplane.

• An airplane is easy to roll over.

• You can still ride a fifty year old airplane.

• Up to five people can ride in an airplane.

• Airplanes expect to be tied down.

• Airplanes can get high without throwing up.

• Airplanes last longer.

• Airplane's don't need as much lubrication.

• Airplane's don't droop after ten years.

• Airplanes are easy to love.

• You don't have to sweet-talk an airplane.

• You can always tell when an airplane is going to give out.

• An airplane moves when you tell it to.

• Airplanes give a better ride for the money.

• An airplane goes anywhere you direct it to.

• Wide body airplanes are more attractive.

• An airplane will kill you quick...a woman takes her time.

• An airplane takes less time to turn around.

• An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.

• Airplanes don't make you "pull-out" to eject.

• You can change the looks of an airplane.

• Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

• Airplanes can handle thrust better.

• Airplanes don't scream.

• A 747 can keep you up for 14 hours.

• You can adjust an airplane's attitude easily.

• Women have more drag than lift.

• An airplane's payload can be calculated.

• Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

• Airplanes have ash trays and tray tables.

• When you put fuel into an airplane, it does not spit it out.

• Sometimes you can ride airplanes for free

• It's easier to understand what an airplane needs.

• You can fly an airplane any time of the month

• Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

• Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong

• Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown

• Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

• Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines

• If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it

• It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane

• However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

[Guest Swigs]

that was classic :D

[M2]

C'mon, what ever happened to the classics?!?

"What does a fighter pilot use for birth control?"

"His personality!"

...and a few more because EVERYONE always love a good joke...don't read any further if you are easily offended...EVERYONE gets offended in the following jokes, so I consider them equal opportunity for all!

"Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?"

"Because mace will do that to you!"

"Why is divorce so expensive?"

"Because it's worth it!"

"What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?"

"45 lbs..."

"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all in third grade...who has the biggest boobs?"

"The blonde, because she's 18!"

"Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?"

"Because breasts don't have eyes!"

"Why is driver's education on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays in redneck schools?"

"Because they are using the cars for sex education on Tuesdays and Thursdays!"

"How do you get a sweet, 80-yr-old lady to say the F... word?"

"Get another sweet, 80-yr-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'"

I'll be here all week!

Cheers! M2

[flynhigh]

I thought this was funny so I thought I'd revive this topic. ENJOY!

Fighter Pilot

An Air Force fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very

attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just

testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?

What's so special about it?

He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well", explains the pilot, "it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing

panties!"

The pilot taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[Guest Raccoon]

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass

the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that

their planes were better because of their manueverability, weaponry and the like.

The C-130 pilot replied "Yeh? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went in the back and took a piss."

[ClearedHot]

Since we are bringing out the oldies and this forum is protected by non-attribution...

Why do women have smaller feet then men?

So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why don't women need a watch?

There is a clock on the stove.

What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Why is it called PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

What did they replace the airspeed indicator in the A-10 with?

A calendar.

How do A-10 evaluators give checkrides?

They plug in and run along side.

[Guest Raccoon]

SO, YOU WANNA JOIN THE AIR FORCE???

This e-mail apparently originated from a young kid who sent it to AETC (Air Education and Training Command) wanting to know how to prepare himself for a future career as a fighter jock. A worldly and jaded C-130 Pilot, Maj Hunter Mills, rose to the task!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

To LtCol Van Wickler:

Sir,

I am DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F-16 fighter pilot of the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in my life? What could I do to get in the academy?

Sincerely

DJ Baker

------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: VanWickler Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC

Anybody want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?

"Vee Dub"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear DJ,

Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" Media portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically.

However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative: What you REALLY want to aspire to is the exiting, challenging, and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing....the venerable workhorse, THE C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 ft above the ground, while trying to interpret a 9-line to a new DZ, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch, with the engineer in the back taking a piss and the navigator puking in his trash can! I tell you, DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at!

Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HMMWVs, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! No where else can you land on a 3000' dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff off the ramp without even stopping, then take off again before range control can call to tell you you've landed on the wrong LZ! And talk about exotic travel-when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture enough to give any natives a bad taste in their mouths re the USAF and Americans in general, not something those strat-lift pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!

As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

Take a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the nav believing he owes the other 20.

Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the shits catches up to you from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce!

Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in the world, then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.

A foreign language is helpful, but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore them and go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: Waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario." These terms of address also serve in other countries interchangeably, depending upon the level of swarth of the addresee.

A study of geography is also paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to you living room wall, right next to that gigantic wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about that Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced

education. A nice, big state college would be a much better choice. Good luck and see you on the SKE scope!

Maj. Hunter Mills

[Guest lovelacm]

Amazing! I posted this historic piece of Herk History to the board in honor of Maj Mills' PCS back to the Schoolhouse.

Nice to see it's made yet another comeback.

If you see him, ask him about Josh Frey, and "Why is everything still green?"

Cheers, Maj Mills! Drink a for us in the Sandbox!

Linda

[Guest deweygcc]

LOL clearedhot, a good bud from college is a Hawg driver, thanks for some MORE ammo:D

[Guest Bobo]

Not meaning disrespect to any armed service but i heard this one a lil while ago...

The location is an airport. It is both military and commercial. A pilot radios in asking for the time. The controller replies "which time system are you using?"The pilot replies "whats the difference?"Then the controller replies, "well if you fly a commercial plane its 2:00 pm, if you are in the Air Force, its 1400 hours. If you are in the navy its 6 bells. If you are in the army, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 2, and if you're in the Marines, its thursday.

[Whitman]

anyone have any more fighter pilot jokes....those are hilarious

[Guest Air_chompers]

Ithought that the marine time was 2 hours to happy hour.

[Bergman]

Q. What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot?

A. God can't fly fighters

Q. What's the difference between a pig and a fighter pilot?

A. The pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot after a night of drinking

Q. How do you know if there's a fighter pilot at your party?

A. He'll tell you

And the hits just keep on coming (sts)....

[Toro]

Originally posted by Bergman:

Q. What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot?

The answer I heard was "God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot"

[flynhigh]

Hopefully this isn't too inappropriate for our rated-G crowd.

French Fighter Pilot

-------------------------------

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[Gravedigger]

Hopeful_Pilot, there used to be a radio DJ that would open his show with a joke like that.

DJ: "It's 4 pm for all you civilians, 1600 for the AF and Army folks, 4 bells for the Navy guys, and for the Marines, Mickey's big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the four."

Here's one I heard when I was younger. It's set in a school and a former RAF fighter pilot is talking about his WWII career.

RAF pilot: So these Fokkers would group up and try to shoot us down one by one. These Fokkers didn't quit either. I'm tellin you the Fokker's were brutal. I shot several of the Fokkers...

Teacher: Now kids, the Fokker was the name of the German's planes.

RAF pilot: Hell no, these Fokkers were flying Messershmits.

BTW- What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice!

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets home from a battered wives meeting?

The laundry if she knows what's good for her.

A pilot informs the crew that the plane is going down and everyone will die. The stewardess runs to the cockpit and says to the pilot...

"make me feel like a woman one last time before we die." The pilot takes off his shirt, throws it on the ground and says "fold it *****." :D

[ 21. October 2004, 18:52: Message edited by: c17wannabe ]

[farva]

Q: What time is bedtime at Michaels Jackson's Neverland Ranch?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Earmuffs for all you PC folks:

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the second place runner in a marathon have in common?

A: They both came in a little behind.

[ 21. October 2004, 21:02: Message edited by: farva ]

[Ram]

Q: How can you tell when your date with a fighter pilot is half-over?

A: When he says "well, enough about me, let me tell you about the jet I fly..."

[Guest pcampbell]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon, and Michael Jackson likes to have sex with little kids.

[M2]

What do Michael Jackson and J.C. Pennys have in common?

Both have little boy's underwear half off...

Badda-bing, badda-boom! :rolleyes:

Cheers! M2

[Whitman]

way to kill the tread razor......baa domp chhhh (drum sound)

[Guest CBStud]

There was this old 747 United pilot who just landed in Berlin, Germany after a very long flight from New York. He taxied clear of the runway and was stopped on the taxi way looking to find his gate number. The ground controller already told him to taxi to his gate and was beginning to become aggrevated with the delay. The controllers there expect you to know your gate and how to get there right after you land. So the controller asked him,

(in a german accent of course) "UNITED 4263 Heavy, do you not know which gate you are?!"

Pilot: "Just a sec while I look it up."

Controller: "Don't you know where to go? Have you never been to Germany before!?"

Pilot: "Well, I was here in 1945 but I was just passing through."