Aviation jokes

[Gravedigger]

In addition to the previous joke.

Pilot: Well, I've been here once before, but it was in a different kind of Boeing, and I only dropped something off. :D

[Guest Raccoon]

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says, "The cable's out? What kind of shit is this?"

[Guest Air_chompers]

Thought you might like this one.

When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

But, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Apparently a true story.

For all of you HERK fans

Shortly after just landing at a big international airport in his Cessna 150, our hero strolls into the busy airport cafeteria for a bite to eat. He finds an empty table by the window to keep an eye on the airport comings and goings. Shortly thereafter, a striking woman walks up and asks to share his table. Naturally, he invites her to sit down.

After several minutes of small talk, the woman asks if he is a pilot. He responds, "Why, yes, I am -- I fly a C-150." Knowing next to nothing about airplanes, she asks him what a C-150 is. The pilot looks out the window and spots a C-130 Hercules taxing out for takeoff.

Pointing to it, he tells his companion, "See that plane over there? That is a C-130. I fly a C-150!"

You have been fllying that damned airplane again

A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: "Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again".

The motoring speed trap

Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 400 mph.

The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads.

The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Tornado's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.

Luckily(?), the Tornado was operating unarmed.

The progress of the student during flying training was not good enough to allow him to continue the course and to become a fighter pilot. He had to leave the pilot training outfit but he wanted to remain in the Air Force and could be transferred into another sector. Asked for his preferences he replied:

" AAA, Anti Aircraft Artillery, because 'if I don't fly - nobody will"

I think that all of us have nightmares about this :D

The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"

The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.

The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."

A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control.

"Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing."

[jcj]

recently retired airline pilot gets checked out in the mighty 172, and is filing a flight plan for a cross country. He gives all the relevant info to the FSS briefer. FSS briefer asks if he can do anything else to help, pilot says:

"Yes, I'd like to declare an emergency"

Puzzled FSS briefer says: "OK sir, what is the nature of your emergency?"

Pilot: "I'm down to one engine, one radio and 40 gallons of fuel"

[jcj]

Flight crew with wing commander as A/C loads up. As he is strapping in, the nav notes that the A/C has his sidearm sitting on the dash. The nav asks "sir, why do you have your weapon out?"

A/C says 'I use that to shoot navs who get me lost"

nav pulls out his sidearm and sets it on his table. A/C sees this and asks him why he has his weapon out

nav: "Sir, with all due respect, I'll know we're lost before you will"

[Guest Xtndr50boom]

These two navigators are walking down a hallway in their squadron. One spies a vending machine that sells pilot wings. "Dude, we can be pilots for only 75 cents apiece! Right on!" The navs rip open their pockets, looking for money. "I got a dollar, righteous!" Says one nav. "I've only got 50 cents." says the other. "why don't you throw your dollar in, give me your change and then we both can be pilots?!" "sounds good" he says. He puts in the dollar and rips open the package, barely containing his joy. He centers his new shiny new wings on his chest and asks his buddy how he looks. "Wow, you look cool! Can I have your quarter?"

"F**k you nav!" He replies back

[M2]

Tyler

Not a true story. Read this.

Cheers! M2

[M2]

Tyler

Radar story is BS as well, read this.

Cheers! M2

[Guest Broncopilot943]

A little off topic...

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car together, when the car breaks down. The electrical engineer immediatly chimes in: "Must be an alternator problem...let me check..." The mechanical engineer snaps back: "No, no. You've got it all wrong. I think we've blown a head gasket." Finally, the computer engineer speaks up: "I've got it! Lets all just get out and get back in!!"

[sky_king]

The aerospace engineer says screw you guys, straps on his jet pack and flys away.

[Flare]

Who deleted the snail post? That was funny!

[ 23. February 2005, 12:26: Message edited by: ENJJPT IP ]

[GSXR6Racer]

I know I am disappointed!

[Rocker]

Originally posted by Razorback:

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon, and Michael Jackson likes to have sex with little kids.

That is the best EVER. Nice work.

-------------------------

What do you call a fighter pilot with an IQ of 150?

A four-ship.

-------------------------

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

[Guest Luke]

Since the michael jackson jokes have come out..............

What do michael jackson and santa claus have in common?

Both leave little boys houses with empty sacks!!!

i can already feel this one being deleted!!

[FourFans]

To tag on to that one...

I heard that Michael Jackson is off the hook. Yeah, instead of jail, the Church is just going to make him to be a Bishop.

A little off topic but still amusing, heard this one from a herk driver...

A brand new copilot is on his first operational flight at his new squadron. Attempting to endear himself to the crew, he tells a joke after everyone is strapped in: "So what's better than rose's on a piano?" The a/c humors him and says "what" to which comes the quick reply "Tulips on an organ!"

Before anyone can laugh the crusty old FE leans forward and gets right in the CP's face and asks "What's better than making sweet love to a 7 year old vietnamese boy?" To the silence in the cockpit, the FE flatly answers: "NOTHIN!"

The CP didn't say another word for the rest of the flight.

[Guest KoolKat]

In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog, ... gona cost ya $50 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna cost ya $75 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit. The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Co-pilot, even if it cost $100 a day. "You can have that worthless mutt for $5 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4."

"But I don't understand, what happened to him?"

"Well, a crew from that there Air Base in Oakaloosa county come up and rent him. One of those idiots called him Pilot, and he's been sittin on his ass barkin ever since."

BENDY

[BrownTail SandFlea]

It's more of an old urban legend in USAFE rather than a joke but here it goes...

Overheard at Franfurt-Main years ago:

American Airlines 555: "Frankfurt ground, American 555 clear of the runway at taxiway Bravo, requesting progressive taxi to transient parking."

Sarcastic Herm controller: "American 555, can't you see and hear that I am too busy right now to provide progressive taxi instructions to someone who should obviously know where to go...haven't you ever been to Frankfurt?"

AA 555: "Sir, I've been to Frankfurt many times but that was back during the war and I never landed"

And the crickets chirped.

[Guest Xtndr50boom]

There are many variations of ^^ joke.

I'm sure the first one started a week or two after VE day. It's been around longer than M2's been in the AF if that gives any timeline to it's age.

M2!

[Guest sleepy]

During the morning push at a particularly busy airport, the lone tower controller is flooded with requests from any and every airplane. Before she could answer one, another call was made from yet another airplane. FINALLY, she is able to get a word in. Disgusted and pissed off, she declares, "All right you stupid bastards, listen up! Shut your arrogant, overpaid pie hole, because I've got something important to say!"

The radio became deathly silent instantly, until some sheepish captain came back and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[M2]

Originally posted by Xtndr50boom:

There are many variations of ^^ joke.

I'm sure the first one started a week or two after VE day. It's been around longer than M2's been in the AF if that gives any timeline to it's age.

M2!

right back at ya, Boomer!

Cheers! M2

[Dead Last]

A man walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant (CMSgt) from the local airbase walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please." The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the CMSgt saying, "That'll be $5,000." The Chief paid and left with the animal in tow.

Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a maintenance monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, score 95 on the AFQT; perform the duties of any MX officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money.

The man spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world does it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with himself, but his papers say he's a pilot."

[slacker]

What do you do when your dishwasher quits?

Slap her.

A rich guy and a poor guy were talking about what they got their wives for Christmas. The poor guy asked the rich guy, "What did you get your old lady for Christmas?"

The rich guy said, " I got my wife a Mercedes Benz and a Mink coat."

The poor guy said, "Wow! Why did you get her that?"

"Well, I figured if my wife didn't like the mink coat, she could take it back in the Mercedes" the rich guy said. "What did you end up getting your wife?" asked the rich guy to the poor guy.

"Well, I got my old lady a pair of socks and a dildo" said the poor guy.

"Why in the world did you get her that?" asked the rich guy.

To which the poor guy responded with a grin, "I figured if she didn't like the socks, she could go F#$k herself."

Remember folks, take care of your bartenders and wait staff and the 730 show is not the same as the 1030 show.

[Guest 3GAF]

I've tried searching here and google but can't find a copy of this great Air Force-related joke I once heard. The gist of the joke is that a pilot is acting haughty and walks up to a mechanic and says it takes a college degree to fly one of these airplanes and the mechanic responds back something to the effect that it only takes a high school degree to repair them so "I hope you make it back home safely". Does anyone know where I can find a written copy of the joke and maybe an attribution? Is that the right wording for the joke or was there more to it?

THanks!

[usaf36031]

no, but i've got another one for you...

two navs walk into a bar and grab a table by themselves, and they look over and see all of these cocky ass pilots sitting there surrounded by the ladies having a great time. One of the navs says, "shit man, we need to become pilots!" The other one says "I KNOW, this sucks!"

So one of the two navs walks up to the bartender and says, "hey man, what would we need to do to become pilots?" and the bartender says, see that vending machine over there? It's easy , just go put in 90 cents and you'll get yourself a pair of pilot wings to wear."

So they walk up to the machine, One nav reaches into his flight suit and pulls out a dollar bill, the other starts digging in his pockets but only comes up with .80 cents. So he gets all sad. But the first Nav says, "hey man, don't sweat it, i'll get my wings and then give you my .10 cents change and you can get yours! Cool, says the other Nav.

So the first nav puts in his dollar, out pops his dime and a shiny new set of pilot wings, so he pins them on.

Nav number two looks at him eagerly and says, "Cool man! now let me get that dime so I can get mine!"

The first guy looks at him smugly and says, "pssh..fuck you nav!"

[USAF Pirate]

Hilarious usaf36031!

Is that the right wording for the joke or was there more to it?

The way I heard it is: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

More humor involving pilot/mechanic (not the first time I've seen it, won't be the last, but I still laugh my ass off)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.

Sounds like a midget pounding on things with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.