Getting Engaged before UPT

[Runr6730]

I will be getting engaged to my girlfriend before I head off to UPT. However, she will not be able to move down with me for the first year because of her schooling, but will most likely move after the second phase of pilot training. We have talked about the sacrifices alot (seeing eachother once a month if i fly her down to TX from CO, no more talking on the phone 5 times a day, etc). We will be battling a long distance relationship for that first year and I was hoping to get some good advice for both her and I on keeping things going smoothly. I realize that I will not be able to go see her but maybe twice a year in CO, so i will have to fly her down to TX to see me as much as possible. Any advice is appreciated.

[Guest flychick]

Join Southwest Airline's Rapid Rewards program. (I'm serious...it will be worth it.)

I can't really give you much advice. The longest my hubby and I have been away from each other is 4 months, and we saw each other twice during that time. I stay really busy. Keeps my mind off of it. I know you'll be busy, but mention to her that it helps tremendously if she's involved in a lot of things. I'm sure it will be tough, but it's really possible! As far as keeping things "running smoothly," the same things apply as if you were living together- communication, trust and everything else you usually do! Good luck! Are you going to Sheppard or Laughlin?

[Guest hmm0205]

This will be a hard one let me tell you. My BF is in phase 3 of UPT and will be graduating here soon at the end of october and i can tell you from experience it will be extremely hard for you to fly out to see her during phase I and II. It seems like i hardly ever saw my BF during those phases and i lived with him! Phase III is much easier in my opinion and it seems like he gets to come home a lot more, like during the day and stuff so if your fiance moves in with you during that time it should be an easier transition. But from our experience in phase I and II I think it will be really important and will make your time in UPT a lot easier if you get a chance to bond with your classmates from the get go. So if you are gone a lot visiting her you can possibly allienate yourself from the rest of your class. I mean that is not always the case, but it can happen pretty easily. That doesn't mean that you can't go out there once and a while, but with the way your schedule will be it will be extremely difficult, especially since you won't know your schedule most of the time more than a week in advance. It will be a lot easier for you to fly your fiance to see you. My BF's class at Moody was extremely close, as were the spouses, and whenever out of town spouses flew in we made it a point to get together. Maybe you guys could switch off on who pays for it. My BF and i were long distance for over a year and a half while he was at USAFA before we were in the same place (6 mo of that i lived in a different country!) but we made it work by talking on the phone everyday, usually only before we both went to bed. I also flew out there once a month to visit and we alternated expenses. So you can make it work. Just make it very clear that you will not have as much free time to talk and to fly out to see her. I know that was the biggest shock to me, just how much of his life UPT took. There is the actual 12 hour day and countless hours studying on top of that. But as long as you two have an understanding you can definatly make it work.

[Guest PilotKD]

I've dealt with a long distance relationship with my wife for almost 5 years now. We've been together for 10 years and have been married one year this Sept 25th. After graduating college, we both got jobs about 1,100 miles from one another. As a flight instructor, mine was meant to be temporary until I logged enough flight time to go to the airlines. She'd come down and see me for a few days after 2-3 months or so. This is after going to college together and seeing each other every day (we lived together junior and senior years). After Sept 11th and that plan falling through, I decided to apply to OTS. Got accepted and went in late 2002. I was lucky enough to go to OTS through December and got a week and a half off for the holidays. That's when I decided to propose. She accepted and I went off the UPT, without her. It didn't make sense for her to quit her job, which was paying her twice as much as I was making as a 2LT to be with me through UPT. We were engaged for a year and a half before getting married 2 weeks after I graduated UPT. We got married up north near our families and after the honeymoon, I returned to Columbus to go to survival training and then to Altus. We were apart once again. After Altus, I PCS'd to my first assignment without her since she still had a few more months obligation left at her job. Unfortunately, once she was ready to join me, I got deployed to the Middle East where I'm at right now. The good part is, I go home next week and finally get to live with my wife for a change. Well, at least for 2 months or so before they deploy me again for another 60 days.

Anyway, you get the picture. This is AF life as a pilot in this day and age. Get used to it. Depending on what airframe and base you go to, you may be gone 250+ days a year (especially the heavies). It's going to take patience, understanding and trust from the both of you.

[Runr6730]

"if she can't support you through UPT, she will not be able to support you for your entire USAF career."

Thanks for the replies and I agree. However, for some of you who dont think I should propose at all...why? Our relationship will be put through the same tests as an engaged couple as it would be without being engaged, except there is that commitment there. At this point, she is far too involved in school and her own career for me to uproot her from all of that and move down with me...that would be unfair to her. While I would like to get married right now instead of after UPT, it just isnt the right time. However, the ring will signify our commitment to eachother through this and we will most definately be married after UPT.

[Guest hmm0205]

I think it is very smart that you are not expecting her to move in UPT because with the cities that they are located in the jobs are slim pickins! The spouses that i know had degrees from great schools and had to work at places like a dog grooming place and a restaurant. I mean it was just temporary, but you get the picture. Luckily, my job lets me work from home so i didn't have to worry about it. But unless, for some reason she gets extremely lucky, it is better not to leave a good job/school until you are in a more permanent place.

As far as the not proposing thing. I have mixed feelings. I know that my BF is going to propose soon after UPT ends in OCT. The reason we waited is because with his UPT schedule there would be hardly any time to plan a wedding which he very much wants to be a part of. Also, i didn't want to be engaged indefinatly, i mean i wanted to get engaged and married soon after. I didn't want to be one of those couples who is engaged for 2+ years or whatever. And there is really no time during UPT to get married, so we are waiting until it is done so he can pay more attention to planning a wedding as opposed to studying. Granted we will have to work around deployments, but he is still able to take leave, which i believe isvery hard to do in UPT unless it is an emergency.

On the other hand it is always nice to have that commitment that a ring brings. Just the girl in me talking. Just know that planning a wedding on top of UPT will be a possible added strain. Maybe even for her since she is still in school. I wouldn't see the harm in waiting until she is with you in phase III to propose.

[Guest Frog1995]

My husband and I were engaged when he went to UPT. I lived in San Antonio and he was in Del Rio. We saw eachother almost every weekend. I drove to Del Rio or he drove to San Antonio and we did alot of things with the guys from his class and their girlfriends so it really isn't that difficult to get together on the weekends. She will just probably need to understand that if she stays longer than Sunday you have to study and we did have quick 15 minute phone calls during the week. I didn't care all that much about the time issue because I worked and was busy with my own commitments. I think your fiancee can just come to TX on some weekends and seriously the year goes by fast because of the schedule being so on the go. Don't sweat it. Unless she needs major attention, then she can handle it and so can you.

[Guest ptwob179wif]

The first year of my husband's and my relationship was spent apart--I think I saw him a grand total of 2 weeks that whole year. I was finishing my degree in Texas and he was off to pilot training in MS. Even at the most fragile time in our relationship (the first year of dating) we were able to make it work. I was busy with school and he was busy preparing for UPT. A LOT has happened since then...3 years later we are married and back in the same spot we were before...preparing for UPT!

My point is, you can NEVER plan for anything in the Air Force...so if you know you want to be married to your girlfriend I say go ahead and propose! Granted your engagement will be a long and tough one, but I will go ahead and 4th the opinion that if she is unable to deal with the stresses of pilot training then perhaps she isn't quite cutout to be a military spouse.

I don't think a spouse can really prepare him or herself for the amount of sacrafice it takes to be married to a military member until he/she actually live the day to day with that person. I don't want to speak for your girlfriend, but it will be a MAJOR life adjustment when you get married...she probably won't be able to use her degree unless it's teaching or nursing (I have a sociology BA and have only been able to find receptionist jobs)--my resume looks like a piece of swiss cheese, (4 different jobs in 3 years in 3 different states) for me it was a hard adjustment, but like anything else in this life I think you really just have to take the reigns and hold on for the ride! As long as BOTH of you understand it will be a rollercoaster of a ride and that you will need to rely on eachother more than anything else you'll be just fine!

[Guest hmm0205]

"I don't think a spouse can really prepare him or herself for the amount of sacrafice it takes to be married to a military member until he/she actually live the day to day with that person."

This is sooooooo true. You can think all you want about how it will be and how your schedules will be, but until you are there in the same house every day it is just not the same.

[Guest edwarkl]

My only advice to you... let her know how much you appreciate her support. It is going to be a long hard year for her too. She is going to feel like she is the only one giving, because you just won't have time. She will have to be very understanding, but you have to do what you can to support her as well. Like I said, the best way to do that is just to tell her how much her support is helping you. The distance isn't easy, but it is possible. I think that it is great that you are getting engaged (the guys always say to wait). It will show her that you are really serious about staying together. In the beginning I wasn't sure what my bf wanted. I thought that he was drifting away because he never had time for me. It took awhile for me to understand. I think that ring on her finger will reassure her that you are committed and want to be with her. Plus planning a wedding will be a great distraction for her.

[Guest ericvano]

I notice some of you talk about having your significant other visit you at UPT. I assume this would typically be on-base. How does that work? Is it a hassle to have someone stay on-base if you are not married? Is it even possible?

[Guest hmm0205]

actually we have always been able to live off base. At moody there is no on base housing for UPT singles so we had our own apt. For phase III we are here at Columbus and in phase III you are not required to live on base as a single person. But my BF planned it that way out of USAFA so that we would be able to live together. I am not sure how it works for the dorms here, the guys we know that live on base do not have GF's at the moment.

[Shut up 'n color]

I am in the same situation as well. I will be leaving for UPT soon and my GF and I may be engaged before I take off. I know she can handle the lifestyle and although will be tough, the long distance thing will work. UPT will be very busy and very stressful so you will be dealing with that. Just make sure that your fiancé has something to do be busy with while you're gone, school, job, planning a wedding etc. IE: mine is getting her masters in education while I'm gone. I have also warned her that I will be doing the bare minimum for the planning since I will not have time for that. Get that point made clear early to make sure there is no confusion when you get a call at 2300 about the color of napkins for the wedding.

Originally posted by Coach Z:

I notice some of you talk about having your significant other visit you at UPT. I assume this would typically be on-base. How does that work? Is it a hassle to have someone stay on-base if you are not married? Is it even possible?

I am under the impression that if you live on base you can still have visitors. Please someone correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think it's a problem b/c I do plan to live on base for UPT and do plan to have my future fiancé come to visit.

[Guest edwarkl]

Originally posted by Coach Z:

I notice some of you talk about having your significant other visit you at UPT. I assume this would typically be on-base. How does that work? Is it a hassle to have someone stay on-base if you are not married? Is it even possible?

My BF lived on base for the first 6 months of UPT. I visited him just about every weekend (maybe missed 3 the whole time). It was NEVER a problem. On Friday night he would meet me at the gate and I would get a parking pass and a visitors pass. I ever got a pass for my motorcycle a couple of times so we could ride on and off base. Technically you are not supposed to have overnight guests in the dorms, but I never once heard of anyone getting in trouble. A couple of times I parked my car at an off base hotel and just rode with him, I didn't even need a pass.

Funny story though.... For April fools day, I had my best friend call him and pretend to be from housing. She said that someone had complained about him having an overnight guest, and even stated the rule that said you could not do this. The perfect thing was that she managed to call him when he was at dinner with a few of his classmates :D . I was by far the best April Fools joke that I have ever pulled off.

[Toro]

Officially, the dorms have a policy that say you're not supposed to have 'overnight' visitors. I have neither seen of nor heard of the policy enforced. Two of the four Italians in my class 'shipped' their girlfriends over for 6-9 months of our year long class and nobody ever hassled them a bit.

[Shut up 'n color]

I figured this could fit in this thread as well as the Timeline after UPT one, but this one seemed more fitting for the topic....

For those who have done it all can you let me know if there is any control over our schedule after UPT. I plan to get married after UPT but the last thing I would want to do is conflict dates with the wedding, leave that I take before and after, etc. How can I ensure that the dates I get assigned for survival, H2O, etc don't conflict with the dates I choose for my wedding, etc.

Also, when the wedding planning starts I'm going to need to set those dates early according to my schedule, probably in the beginning of UPT. How do I go about that? I would like to get married after UPT but before going to my specialized training??

How does it work in taking leave after UPT as well. Is it pretty laid back since you really can't take it during?

[Toro]

caliiceman328,

Use the search function for these questions and you'll find plenty of previous posts.

Short answers - it is possible, you need to ask early, and you won't know any of your follow-on training dates until you get your assignment (a little over a month prior to graduation). What does this mean? Pretty tough to plan wedding dates around non-existent training dates. Either get married prior, do it over the weekend during at your UPT base, or wait until you're at your Ops unit and done with MQ training. Leave after UPT isn't much easier than during since you'll have land + water survival, possibly IFF and the centrifuge, then FTU.

[Guest laang_spouse]

Take comfort in the fact that many wives and husbands also separate for UPT, and it's an okay thing! The good thing is that both of you will be so busy that time will fly by. Also, it's amazing to get to know someone through a long distance. Make sure to include her in big things like Dollar Rides, Solos, Track Select, and Assignment Night/Graduation. Also, this is great preparation for deployment. It's better she get used to you being gone the first time while your still here. Later, when you go overseas it won't be as much of a tribulation. Good luck! Also, when she does come visit, make sure she meets your friends and their girlfriends/fiancees/spouses. This will help her feel more included and much happier.

[Ferg]

Originally posted by caliiceman328:

How does it work in taking leave after UPT as well. Is it pretty laid back since you really can't take it during?

If you're talking about leave between graduation and you're follow-on training, it shouldn't be a problem. Once you have your training dates, talk to your flight commander. If, for example, you graduate at the beginning of October and don't start survival for two weeks, you should be fine to take leave for those two weeks. All you'll be doing for that time is working orders and getting your stuff ready for PCS.

[Guest KC]

KH

It will not be a huge pain to see your boyfriend.

A bunch of the guys here at Columbus in my husband's class moved off base withing two months of starting class. It wasn't a problem getting off base for them, so I thought you might want to know since I'm speaking of the current conditions at Columbus. Also, as long as you're not visiting base for more than a month, you don't need permission from a superior.

KC

[Guest krharger]

We recently got engaged and so now he wants me to move to Columus with him in January. I am okay with this, but we also realized the fact that I would probably have to get an appartment and live by myself for the first six or so months. Will he be able to leave the dorms as much as he wants though? Or is it limited?

[Shut up 'n color]

Originally posted by KH:

We recently got engaged and so now he wants me to move to Columus with him in January. I am okay with this, but we also realized the fact that I would probably have to get an appartment and live by myself for the first six or so months. Will he be able to leave the dorms as much as he wants though? Or is it limited?

In all seriousness...he could actually have a dorm room AND move in to your apartment. However, I have no idea what, if any, the consequences are if they found out. Plus there'd be NO housing allowance. Bottomline, he can leave base, non-duty formal release hours, as much as he wants to come visit you. But remember, he wont have that kind of time. 12 hour days, when he's not at work he'll be studying at night and getting up early. There isn't really much time for hanging out and watching TV other than weekends.

Another tip...if the dorms are near full when he gets there, he'll have the option to live off!

[NOLAflyer]

A lot of my questions have been answered except for one specific aspect of my relationship. My gf and I dated for only 3 months before we made it official which was about a week after I graduated and moved away, a decision I had debated to myself for at least a month as to whether or not I even wanted a gf. Regardless I decided to give it a shot and things have been great. The problem is that things have been great for 6 months because I don't even start AD until Nov. She's a great girl whoI know I can trust and would do anything for me, but I'm battling whether or not I should keep going with this long distance relationship especially since she doesn't graduate until at earliest the summer of 09 and doesn't exactly have any idea what she wants to do job/career wise afterwards.

Once I start in Nov I've got 4 months of "casual" at Columbus before I start ASBC, which could be really busy given any particular job, then ASBC, followed immediately by IFS, then immediately by UPT. Though she's a great girl, I sometimes feel that not being together physically day-to-day for over a year limits how much we know and understand about each other. This limits how much I'm willing to invest in a girl when I have zero plan on getting married anytime soon plus the idea that the long distance relationship may last close to 2 years given everything I've already read on this thread about phases I & II.

There's more to the question that I could probably add but this should be sufficient in explaining my situation. Any advice, tips, suggestions?

[Guest lovemyflyboy]

I'm not sure anyone can answer that question for you really. Only you can decide if she's worth enduring a long distance relationship for a good period of time. Have you talked to her about it? The summer of 09 isn't that far away. Would she be willing to move to wherever you are? Would you even want her to move to where you are? If she's worth it to you, you'll find a way to work things out. Good luck!

[Toro]

If you're asking whether you should stick with this girl, that's something that only you can answer, but I'll offer some advice based off some of the things you've said.

I'm battling whether or not I should keep going with this long distance relationship especially since she doesn't graduate until at earliest the summer of 09 and doesn't exactly have any idea what she wants to do job/career wise afterwards.

I'll be blunt here - if you two want to be married and in the same place and you want to be a pilot, then she's going to have to figure out a job that can follow where you go. If you've read through this section you know that things like nursing and teaching degrees are great for spouses who want to have an actual career when they're married to the military.

Once I start in Nov I've got 4 months of "casual" at Columbus before I start ASBC, which could be really busy given any particular job

If you have a casual status job that keeps you "really busy", then you'd probably be the first in the history of casual status. This will not be a problem is she wants to come visit you during that time.

then ASBC, followed immediately by IFS, then immediately by UPT.

While she can't go with you to IFS, she could go with you (or visit) to ASBC, and there’s nothing preventing her from bringing her to UPT.

Though she's a great girl, I sometimes feel that not being together physically day-to-day for over a year limits how much we know and understand about each other.

Disagree. I was in a long distance relationship with my wife for about a year before we got married. Removing the physical aspect of your relationship for an extended period of time can be a good test. With only the phone and email, you should be able to learn and understand a great deal about each other.

This limits how much I'm willing to invest in a girl when I have zero plan on getting married anytime soon plus the idea that the long distance relationship may last close to 2 years given everything I've already read on this thread about phases I & II.

I’m a little confused here, and I think you may be as well. If she’s only in school through next year, why do you think the long distance aspect is going to last at least two years? The fact that you’re apart has nothing to do what you’re doing, it has to do with whether you want to have her living with you. If you don’t plan on you two living together (like even in the same town) until you get married, then that’s a different story, but the AF is not preventing that from happening once she’s out of school.