Helping family/friends deal with deployment

[Guest mghodgson]

It's the holiday season, I'm finding myself in a familiar situation, still not quite knowing what to say. I'm sure you've all been there:

Of course friends and family that we don't see often always ask when/if my husband deploys again. Acquaintances that I run into wonder where I live and what I'm doing these days. Inevitably, it comes up that my husband is going to miss another Christmas.

Here comes the response: "Oh, that's so awful. I'm so sorry," or "That must be terrible. I feel so bad for you."

That is the same response I'd get if I said that my husband is dying of cancer or that we lost our home in a fire. It never crosses their mind that he is doing EXACTLY what he has wanted to do since he was old enough to walk. They leave the conversation feeling like I'm some poor pitiful creature who won't smile again until April.

Even though I've been through all this a zillion times, I have yet to find a way to adequately express how I feel. How do I let them know, in a sentence or two, that I am very proud of what he does, and that if we want to retain our freedoms, sacrifices have to be made? How can I convey to them that I just carry on as normal when he's gone...I don't sit in a corner and cry all day, I get up and go to work and take care of business just like they do? I don't want to come across as preachy or anything, but I want them to understand that deployments are a small part of what has been an incredible experience for him, and for us as a military family.

Any ideas about how to respond?

Sorry to be so long-winded...hopefully good discussion will ensue. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

[Guest flychick]

Haha...that reminds me... If you've ever lost family member or close friend...every time you have to say "he's passed away" it's like reliving the funeral all over again because of the sympathy??? THAT'S annoying, too!

Anyways...not sure there's any way around that, which sucks...just politely tell them that that's what you both signed up for. Compare it to other jobs that force people to be away at Christmas...Doctors, nurses, firefighters, police, etc. I know they aren't "deployed", but why don't they get as much sympathy???

Otherwise, be grateful to have people that care I guess...just let them know you aren't looking for sympathy.

[HerkDerka]

I have a one word response.

When they say "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Simply say, "Why?" with as much incredulity as possible in your tone. Not only will they not have an answer, it will make them think.

HD

[The Kayla]

Originally posted by HerkDerka:

I have a one word response.

When they say "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Simply say, "Why?" with as much incredulity as possible in your tone. Not only will they not have an answer, it will make them think.

HD

I've said that, and it works.

Dave went TDY last year for 6months. And people would always say "oh I'm sorry!..' or some crap like that, and I was getting bothered by it, so I finaly said "Why?".. the look they gave me was priceless. Before they could respond I said "This is his job. I knew that going into the relationship..".

It shut them up pretty fast.

My DH just left for OTS yesterday, and I was talking to one of his class mates on AIM. I asked him if he was gonna be missing any important dates while he was gone, and he said No.. He asked me if my DH was. And I said yes, my birthday(2nd one). He responded with "What do you want me to tell Dave to get you?" heheheh I sent him the link to the necklace I want (it's a funny story, thought that I would share.. hehe)

like some one else said, be happy that they are "carring". I've gotten some pretty dirty looks/comments when some one hears me say "Oh my Husband is gonna be a AF pilot.."

I live in a hippy town :rolleyes:

love you Girl!

[FallingOsh]

My wife left for her first deployment right after Thanksgiving. Since we're newlyweds spending our first Christmas apart, I got a lot of this from family back home. I just started playing into it for a little self amusement.

When people would say, "Where's Amy?"

I'd say, "She left me," and wait for the priceless look that followed.

Then I'd say, "She's in Iraq," and they wouldn't know how to react. They would kinda laugh, but not really... I enjoyed those situations greatly.

[The Kayla]

hehe.. I like your way of thinkin'!

[Guest AirWarriorSemperFi]

I'm a man in need of some help!

When you guys are deployed what do you do for the kids back in the states to stay in touch and really stay a part of their life? exclude e-mails, and phone calls... I have that covered.

Anything else that I can do to really stay in touch and keep them informed on how their daddy is doing?

When I'm on the boat we got the xbox and that keeps me connected to the boys, but my girl seems to stay in a cave till I'm home... I feel like I'm losing touch of them sometimes and I really don't want that. Is there anything I can do?

[Guest Hydro130]

If you have the cameras to do it, some guys I know worked on making videos for their kids, and had their spouse and kids back home make videos of what they were up to to share with each other. Depending on how old your girl is, I know a guy who used to deploy with his daughter's favorite stuffed animal and take pictures of it all over the place. Other crews even helped him out by taking it to places his crew didn't get a chance to fly into. Kinda like that stolen-neighbor's-lawn-gnome urban legend, except this was with his daughter's permission of course. She liked that. He could email the pics back to her and that was a good segue to keeping her involved in what he was doing.

The other thing I was going to suggest was to post this question to the spouses forum - I bet they'll have some ideas for you there too.

Cheers, Hydro

[Insubordinate & Churlish]

When my dad was deployed to Kunsan, he took tape recordings of him reading me and my brother's favorite books out loud. Then he'd usually add some other conversational stuff at the end, and send us the tape back home. This assumes your household still has a tape player. You could record a Wave audiofile on your computer and email it instead.

Good luck.

[ 10. January 2007, 11:11: Message edited by: C-130 Hopeful ]

[zach braff]

One of my radio troops in Baghdad was an amateur videographer. He started a 'storytime with daddy/mommy' program that rocked.

He'd do videos where folks could read a story to their kids against a greenscreen, then he'd put in the illustrations to the background. He got donations to buy DVDs to publish them and guys would send them home. They came out really professional looking and were a HUGE morale booster for the deployed parents.

The roaming stuffed animal stuff sounds great too.

[ 10. January 2007, 11:31: Message edited by: zach braff ]

[Guest AirWarriorSemperFi]

Tehe those are some pretty touching ideas

However, the roaming teddy bear thing probably will not work on a boat, and that is where i spend the majority of deployments.

I take it this is a big AF forum and the majority of you guys have never been on a carrier. I'm probably looking for answers for my problem in all the wrong places ;)

[zach braff]

Your boat stops at various ports from time to time doesn't it? I'd think that would give the teddy bear more photo ops than 4 months at the same deployed base...

Just my thoughts.

[Guest proudpapa]

There’s Army, Navy, AF & Marine types here & I think we would all agree that a carrier is a LOT cooler than ANY land base to a Kid (and a Teddy)! Hopefully the Kids have gotten a visit to your boat (oops-ship) & might even recognize some of the places Teddy’s at.

Shoot the pics…, and post some here!

[Guest Rainman A-10]

Originally posted by C-130 Hopeful:

When my dad was deployed to Kunsan...he'd usually add some other conversational stuff at the end, and send us the tape back home.

Were those conversations about buying juice for a friend?

[Guest Irishchez]

I say single mothers do it all the time.

[Guest jojo61397]

I actually got sympathy cards from one of my Dh's aunts. "It must be miserable with DH there during Christmas. How are you coping?" I just said: "gee thanks for reminding me how miserable it is that my husband is gone over Christmas. While your at, you could twist the knife a little more and put some salt in the wound."

I don't talk to that aunt much anymore.